Children: The glue that holds a somali marriage?

[Johnny B]

Originally posted by Castro:

We're all speculating here though. Marriage is definitely the most complex endeavor I've ever engaged in. And I sure prefer it to being unmarried. Most of the time.

All aptly thrown sandals at Castro are probably cheaper than any other form of therapy for his better half.

[Kool_Kat]

Originally posted by Miskiin-Macruuf-Aqiyaar:

And being an only child to your parents is a bit rare in Soomaali family settings. As a son from a 22-siblings family, I don't know how it feels being an only child.

22? Mansha'allah...Odayga waa dadaalay...

 

Maryan Run, you're father is truly one in a million...Not many fathers are like him...As for children being the glue of a 'Somali' marriage, that couldn't have been further from the truth...I've seen fathers that walk away from marriages and their family of 8 or 9 kids...

 

The simplest and littlest things make a marriage stay strong, like being able to talk about anything and everything, respect, honesty, understanding, and lots of laughter...Marriage is not about roses and 'I love you'; it is about putting a smile on your face and making you laugh without even trying...It is about resolving your issues without the whole town knowing about it...

 

And of course, being happy in the bedroom department is a must...

[Che -Guevara]

^My ayeeyo is freak :cool:

[Kool_Kat]

^Waryaa xishoo...

[Che -Guevara]

^In good way that makes one happy dee

[Kool_Kat]

^Very happy!!!

[Ashkiro]

First and Foremost, thank you all for the warm welcomes, i feel at home. When my friend suggested i would like Camel Milk threads she was indeed right, so in that spirit i will ignore the guy who called me a self-hating maroleey, as I don't want to start a fight being the new kid of bloc, but becareful waryahey i can bite, and i bite hard.

 

I wish i could respond to each and everyone of you, you all make good points, however i feel as though my intention of the post was misunderstood. I do realize its not just children that hold a marriage together, and marriage is indeed a complex system as some of you have mentioned, however what i was implying was in regards to a couple that are unable to have children, let's assume this is a good couple that are committed to each other (not the loser guys the abandon their wife/and marry behind her back so many stories i have heard, that sometimes i start to hate all men and want to chop them to pieces LOL, jking) but a good man, what's the likelihood that this sort of couple would be happy if they couldn't produce a child together (by Allah's Will of course)? How many guys would stay with their wife through thick and thin, if they were unable to have children together? Wouldn't this scernio ruin a marriage or cause unhappiness? I would say yes (for the vast majority), and anyone whom implies to the contary is deluding themselves.

 

@ Money, mahadsanid walaalkay for your kind words. I do agree with everything you said, its really sad that girls are not as valued as sons in African Culture, this is why i feel very blessed to have a loving father and am very proud of men like him who believe daughters are as worthy if not more than sons and stick with their families through every strom. But at the same time, its the mothers that raise the community, so they are at fault for creating such mind-sets and these double-standards that exist within the community.

 

@Miskeen, manshallah 22 siblings, i can't even begin to imagine lol you must have a lot of patience, Ilahay ha ku barakayo walaalkiis. Being an only child does have its advantages (you get everything you want), but it doesn't hurt to have an army to surround you, my mother tells me when i was a child, when ever kids visited our house, i would cry when they left LOL, even as an adult i have termendous love and feel great joy to be around kids. its also good to have a large family for weddings ect, the good times and bad times, the more the merry, lakiin daad badaan uun wax is tareen there is no faiido there you know. I talked too much and am sure i made a lot of spelling errors. With that my salaams

[rudy-Diiriye]

abayoo macaan...r u tired? cuz u been running around in my head!

[Miskiin-Macruuf-Aqiyaar]

And of course, being happy in the bedroom department is a must...

You mean sleeping some nine or eight hours at a king bed together. Waaw, really? What if one of them quuranaayana? Would that be a must as well?

 

Maba ogeyn in hurdo saas loogu dambeeyo, mise wax kale laga hadlooyaa aniga too innocent iska ahee.

 

Maryan Ruun, enjoy the site, abaayadiis. Don't hesitate to share with us your ideas and thoughts.

[Baashi]

Here is satirical piece popularized by An Landers.

 

There is nothing sadder than a childless couple. It breaks my heart to see them relaxing around swimming pools in Florida, sitting all suntanned and miserable on the decks of their boats — trotting off to Europe like lonesome fools. It's an empty life. Nothing but money to spend, more time to enjoy and a whole lot less to worry about.

 

The poor childless couple are so wrapped up in themselves, you have to feel sorry for them. They don't fight over the child's discipline, don't blame each other for the child's most obnoxious characteristics, and they miss all the fun of doing without for the child's sake. They just go along, doing whatever they want, buying what they want and liking each other. It's a pretty pathetic picture.

 

Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experience that accompanies each stage in the development of the young — the happy memories of sleepless nights, coughing spells, tantrums, diaper rash, debts, "dipso" baby sitters, saturated mattresses, emergencies and never-ending crises.

 

Then comes the real fulfillment as the children grow like little acorns and become real nuts. The wonder of watching your overweight ballerina of twelve make a fool of herself in a leotard. The warm smile of a small lad with the sun glistening on 500 bucks' worth of metal braces ruined on peanut brittle. The rollicking, merry, care-free voices as hordes of hysterical kiddies stampede at the birthday party.

 

A married couple without little ones envy their neighbor's bairn. It isn't enough to be god-parents to the entire block, they still miss out on that glorious period of childhood that is alive, exuberant and bursting with healthy impulses to shatter the shredded nerves.

 

I pity the couple without children to brighten the cocktail hour by brushing the martini from the shaking hand, to massage the potato chips into the rug and to wrestle them for the olive.

 

How dismal is the peaceful home without the constant childish problems that make a well-rounded life and an early breakdown; the tender, thoughtful discussions when the report card reveals the progeny to be one step below a moron; the end-of-the-day reunions with all the joyful happenings recited like well-placed blows to the temples.

 

Children are worth it. Every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice, every complete collapse pays off as a fine, sturdy adolescent is reached. The feeling of reward the first time you took the boy hunting — he didn't mean to shoot you, the lad was excited. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? And how much better you felt after the blood transfusion? These are the times a man with a growing son treasures — memories that are captured forever in the heart and the limp.

 

Think back to the night of romantic adventure when your budding daughter eloped with the village *****. What childless couple ever shared in the stark realism of that drama? Aren't you a better man for having lived richly, fully, acquiring that tic in your left eye? Could a woman without children touch the strength and heroism of your wife as she tried to fling herself out of the bedroom window? It takes a father to attain the stature of standing by, resolute and ready — ready to jump after her. The climax was when you two became closer together and realized that, after all, your baby girl was a woman now. A lovely young woman with the mind of a pygmy.

 

The childless couple live in a vacuum. They fill their lonely days with golf, vacation trips, dinner dates, civic affairs, tranquility, leisure and entertainment. There is a terrifying emptiness without children, but the childless couple are too comfortable to know it.

 

If they'd had kids they'd look like the rest of us — tired, gray, wrinkled, sagging — in other words, normal.

 

Written by Roslyn South and appeared in a 1957 issue of The American Mercury

 

Hope you got the subliminal message the author is trying to convey in this hilarious satirical writeup

[Malika]

^That was hilarious!!Lol.

 

Re-childlessness, reminds me of this old Somali woman that used to live by her own,she never had any children and the only relative she had was her brother whom also never had any children.After her brother passed away the local Imam took her under his wing,he offered her a place to live near the mosque.She was looked after by the local Muslim community,Masha'allah.One of my Saturday chores set by my mother was to go and clean her room,after I had cleaned her room,fetch her drinking water to keep in her little room..She would kiss me and make dua, "May allah never make you experience gooblaniimoo iyo gaajoo"..[well in somali],she died when I was 13,but I can still remember her,how lonely she looked!

[SCORPION_SISTA]

lool Castro "most of the time" eh well at least that's better than half of the time

 

I was checking my e-mail and I found an article related to this topic.

 

Having kids makes you happy

 

Malika, I feel worse for parents who had children, and their children ignore them and treat them shabbily

[Castro]

^^^^ This is was stunning to read. Completely counter intuitive.

 

The most recent comprehensive study on the emotional state of those with kids shows us that the term "bundle of joy" may not be the most accurate way to describe our offspring. "Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not."

 

Simon received plenty of hate mail in response to her research ("Obviously Professor Simon hates her kids," read one), which isn't surprising. Her findings shake the very foundation of what we've been raised to believe is true. In a recent NEWSWEEK Poll, 50 percent of Americans said that adding new children to the family tends to increase happiness levels. Only one in six (16 percent) said that adding new children had a negative effect on the parents' happiness. But which parent is willing to admit that the greatest gift life has to offer has in fact made his or her life less enjoyable?

 

Parents may openly lament their lack of sleep, hectic schedules and difficulty in dealing with their surly teens, but rarely will they cop to feeling depressed due to the everyday rigors of child rearing. "If you admit that kids and parenthood aren't making you happy, it's basically blasphemy," says Jen Singer, a stay-at-home mother of two from New Jersey who runs the popular parenting blog MommaSaid.net. "From baby-lotion commercials that make motherhood look happy and well rested, to commercials for Disney World where you're supposed to feel like a kid because you're there with your kids, we've made parenthood out to be one blissful moment after another, and it's disappointing when you find out it's not."

[SCORPION_SISTA]

"however what i was implying was in regards to a couple that are unable to have children, let's assume this is a good couple that are committed to each other (not the loser guys the abandon their wife/and marry behind her back so many stories i have heard, that sometimes i start to hate all men and want to chop them to pieces LOL, jking) but a good man, what's the likelihood that this sort of couple would be happy if they couldn't produce a child together (by Allah's Will of course)? How many guys would stay with their wife through thick and thin, if they were unable to have children together? Wouldn't this scernio ruin a marriage or cause unhappiness? I would say yes (for the vast majority), and anyone whom implies to the contary is deluding themselves. Wouldn't this scernio ruin a marriage or cause unhappiness? I would say yes (for the vast majority), and anyone whom implies to the contary is deluding themselves."

Not necessarily in this scenario you are assuming the husband or the wife want a child, what if they don't want a child or they decide to raise adaptive child!! The only time it might be difficult is when one of the partner wants to have a child very badly and the other is unable to, but still there are alternative. They can separate amicably and pursue other partner. If the man wants a child and the woman is the one who can't have a child, maybe she would agree for him to take a second wife. There is no reason to be unhappy in the marriage because one can't conceive. Couples who truly want to be together or love each other figure out a solution that works for them.

 

bee bye

 

Ps. I would have asked a question Castro but I don't want to distract from this topic. So check your PM.

[Cara.]

Scorpion_Sista, this has been bugging me for a long time and I finally have to ask: Why do you write "bee bye"?

 

LOL @ Baashi. The last few paragraphs had me in stitches.