Dear SOL'er: You are a lazy bum.

[Kashafa]

Gut-busting hilarious, but so true too.

Dear chronically procrastinating young person,

 

Slate has asked me to offer you a few words of advice—as I, too, am a procrastinator. Always have been. In college, I'd start 10-page papers after midnight on the day they were due. Half my memories of this period involve screaming at my printer to print faster, ripping the pages from its maw, and then sprinting to my professor's office with moments to spare, sweat streaming down my face.

 

Why did I subject myself to so much stress, instead of starting my work earlier like "normal" people do? Well, you've no doubt heard all manner of theories regarding the root cause of procrastination. Fear of failure. Crippling perfectionism. Abnormally low type-2 phloxiplaxitus levels.

 

I'm here to tell you that it was none of these things. The root cause of my procrastination, in technical terms, is this: I'm lazy. Extremely lazy.

 

Don't judge, pal—you're lazy, too. It's why you procrastinate. When there's a difficult, disagreeable, or tedious chore that needs to get done, guess what? You don't want to do it. So you don't. Until you have to.

 

It's just that simple, my slothful friend. And guess what else? The trick to overcoming procrastination is even simpler. Ready? Here it is:

 

Get off your fat badonk and stop procrastinating. Right now. No, not after the Gilmore Girls rerun ends. Now now.

 

Will you do this? No. You will not. You will dabble at the crossword for a while. Later, you might get a yogurt. Eventually, you'll start reading pointless crap on the Internet. You see, you're doing it as we speak! Because: You are lazy.

 

Understand that this will never, ever change. You will always be lazy, and you will always procrastinate. I know it's tough for you to hear, but it's a harsh truth that you need to internalize.

 

I'm serious about this. It's bad enough that you're so damn lazy. People like you can't afford to be delusional on top of all your other problems. Oh, I'm sure you imagine yourself growing out of this silly procrastination phase. In the future, you'll get an early jump on projects, work at a steady pace, and always finish ahead of schedule. You'll take the time to do things right—instead of nipping under the wire in a rush of half-assed, flailing chaos.

 

It's a beautiful dream, my indolent chum. And I'm here to shatter it. Again, I speak from experience in these matters. When I was young, my procrastination was merely debilitating. As I age, it gets far worse.

 

Take, for instance, this assignment. I first learned of it two weeks ago and, since then, I've gotten really, really superb at Guitar Hero III. Now I'm awake in the middle of the night, facing a deadline that's hours away, and I'm guzzling caffeine and just getting started. Crikey, I haven't done a lick of research! My editor specifically asked me to find historical examples of procrastination. Hold on, gonna Google a couple things …

 

OK, back now. It turns out the ancient Greeks may well have procrastinated. And Leonardo da Vinci left a whole stack of unfinished projects. Also—this is conjecture on my part, but seems plausible—I'm guessing the people of Pompeii spent their final moments wishing they'd been a bit more on the ball about fleeing that bubbling volcano.

 

"But Seth," you interject, as I take a Rubik's Cube from my desk drawer and begin fiddling with it, "what about that kid in my econ section who's always on top of things? He makes an outline of his paper two weeks in advance, writes a rough draft, then does further research and revisions. Couldn't I be more like that kid if I put my mind to it?"

 

No. You couldn't. That kid will grow up to be a powerful politician or business leader. You won't.

 

And that's OK! Some of the kindest, most interesting people are pretty lazy, and not at all powerful. Take da Vinci: He was totally awesome, despite—as my extensive research suggests—being an easily distractible scattershot. His very strength was that he allowed his mind to wander where it pleased, instead of always locking into the task at hand. Sure, maybe you wouldn't want da Vinci as your air-traffic controller. But you'd definitely want to have a beer with him—am I right? And despite his problems knuckling down, the guy produced oodles of brilliant, imaginative work. Which is where my advice comes in.

 

Stop resisting and embrace your procrastination. Don't agonize in front of a blank computer screen. Don't sit around for hours—intending to start your work any moment now—only to find that in the end you've accomplished zilch, save for ruining your own day.

 

You could instead, for instance, work on a small, tangential aspect of the assignment. Some weird take on things—one that doesn't make you miserable. This may be of little direct application, but there's a chance it could also pay off, kick-starting a new line of thought or adding nuance to your final result.

 

Or, better, take a walk outside. Read a book for pleasure. Roll a spliff and share it with a friend.

 

You're going to procrastinate anyway, so you may as well enjoy the time you're stealing from your tasks. While that grind in your econ class is toiling, you're becoming a more relaxed, quirkier, less-programmed person. You nurture the creative sprouts that take root only in long hours of idleness. You're open to soulful experiences that lie only beyond the bounded worlds of work and study.

 

Of course, this is all dependent on there being a deadline waiting at the end of your walkabout. For true procrastinators, nothing gets done without a deadline. As we say in journalism: The deadline is your friend. And when that deadline looms too near to procrastinate any longer, you need to take care of business. Crank it out, baby.

 

Executed correctly, this method is in fact terrific practice for maintaining your cool in stressful work environments. Pressing deadline anxiety can be channeled into an extreme level of focus. If you can train yourself to complete your assignments under pressure, quickly and efficiently, you will always find yourself in demand.

 

OK, fully bumping up against the clock here. Time to get this thing to my editor. A few important questions remain, so I'll attempt to answer them in our waning moments together:

 

1) Could I have done a better job on this assignment if I'd started sooner? Quite possibly.

 

2) But would I really have used that additional time to my advantage, instead of just doing the crossword and watching Gilmore Girls reruns? Very doubtful.

 

3) Am I crazy good at Guitar Hero III? Oh my, yes. I'm money on the multibutton combos now, and I can even nail some of the faster solos. You should come over and play some time. Maybe bring that spliff.

 

Your shiftless amigo,

Seth

Slate

[Miriam1]

this is hysterical to me as a recent graduate, it defines me perfectly in my first two years. However I like totally disagree, you can change, and I am proof of that, I haven't handed one single paper or deferred one single exam in the last two years. Everything on time and everything a B+ and above (alhamdulilallah)

 

So true it might be to an extent, yet change is not impossible....all you have to do is imagine yourself as a graduate with a C+ average and the options available to you, compared to a graduate with a A- average and the wondrous future that holds...(I am not sure what it is so far..but thats what people tell me...they better be right)

 

Funny thing is. I am procrastinating right now...from applying to jobs and internships...who knew working on your resume could be this hard...rather be writing a 20 page essay on the anything

[Geel_jire]

this is me exactly and i haven't changed

[Miriam1]

^ u must be doing something right if you got into graduate school...

[Cara.]

Hayam, the thing is I'm a terrible procrastinator too, but I've never handed a paper in late or deferred an exam. Instead, some finely tuned clock in my head springs into action just before the point of no return. So if there's a deadline in two weeks, I'll procrastinate, and then get annoyed with myself, and then procrastinate some more. But at the back of my mind I know exactly how much time the work is going to take so that I start at that point and not a moment earlier. Does that make sense?

 

Argh...

[Geel_jire]

Hayam my case is very similar to yours.... i shaped up in the last 2 years of my undergrad with just enough marks to get me into grad school.

 

I promised myself i would change when i began grad school but :confused: right back at square 1 now.

 

I'm almost finished now I have 1 elective and the thesis remaining, hopefully i will change before i begin the thesis .............. IA

[Paragon]

^^No need to change, man. You can write your thesis just within 7 days .

 

But at the back of my mind I know exactly how much time the work is going to take so that I start at that point and not a moment earlier. Does that make sense?

Lol. Makes sense. At least to me. I don't think the author of the article has anything on me when it comes to procastination. Some just have a talent for it .

[Ibtisam]

I'm a bit like Cara. I would never start early because I know how long I can do it.

 

Geel_Jire I was thinking that today.

[Pujah]

There is nothing wrong with procrastinations as long as you know your limits and can get your job or assignments done right on time – yeah you will be bit annoyed with yourself every time you have looming deadline and you realize how much time you have wasted but hey I do my best when under pressure.

[Baashi]

^Me too.

 

"Under Pressure" is the operative word here. For instance, right now I get pile of work at home -- yard work and all of that yet when I get off work and reach home I start goofing off like watching playoffs and what not.

 

Back in the days -- my Sakha El Din schooling years -- I remember memorizing a poem that starts with:

 

"Ithaa taraakamat caleykal acmaal..." Xiinoow help. By the way Xiin attended my rival school Jamal Abdul Naasir so he should know since the curriculum were identical.

 

Bottom line: if, when things get edgy, when the moment of truth approaches, when it really matters, you come through then it si all good. You kick behind where the rubber meets the road! That's the spirit.

[xiinfaniin]

^^Falaa tantathir ila-ghadi or some thing close to that yaa Baashi!

 

Ghamal Abdul-Nazir was the best school in Xamar adeer waxay Sakhawadiin kaad ka hadlaysid...

[Baashi]

Ya know better than taht buddy. The only school in Mogadishu that had a lab, library, gym, and tennis & basketball court. Name any other and I will concede.

[xiinfaniin]

^^You describing Ghamal to the T awoowe

[Geel_jire]

I suppose as long you hand it in on time .... it is ok .... the heartburn , coffee guzzling, anxiety of working close to the deadline is too tough

[poolwizard]

It is so funny that i have a report due in a few and my butt is wasting time by surfing the net...gtg!