Jokes

[Yaabka-Yaabkiis]

1-A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo.'Good idea', the man replied, and off he went. The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him. 'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo', the policeman said. 'I did', answered the man, 'and today I'm taking him to the movies!'.

 

2-A man takes his obviously dead dog to the vet. The man says to the vet, "I think my dog is real sick. Would you please examine him and tell me what you think?" The vet looks at the dog and says, "I'm very sorry Mr. Smith but your dog has died." The man implores, "Are you sure doctor? Is there any tests you can run to be sure?" "Oookay," says the doctor skeptically. He has his assistant bring in the office house cat. The cat proceeds to sniff the dog from nose to tail, jumps off the table and goes into the other room. The doctor says, "Well that confirms my diagnosis, Mr. Smith, your dog has passed on." Regrettably, the doctor continues. "And I am really sorry to have to give you the bill for our services at such a time." The man looks at the bill and in shock says, "$285? $285 to tell me my dog is dead??" "No," says the doctor, "That was only $35. The other $250 was for the cat scan.

 

 

3-Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"

 

4-There was a car full of nuns that were driving really slow. A police officer pulls them over and asked why they were going so slow. The head nun replies "Well, the sign over there says 23 and I was going 23 miles per hour." The officer says "No, thats the route number not the speed limit, you can go 55 miles per hour." The nun then says "Well that explains why the nuns were yelling at me earlier today." The officer asked why and the nun said "Well we just got off route 125!!"

 

5-There once was a pirate who had a peg leg, a hook on his left hand, and a patch on his left eye. One day this pirate walked into a pub and sat down at the table beside a cabin boy. The cabin boy looks at him and said, "Hey mate, what happened to your leg, sir?" The pirate looked at him and said "AYE, I was leaning over to clean the side of me boat when I FELL into the water and a shark tore it off!" The cabin boy took a sip of his drink and looked back at the pirate's gleaming silver hook and said "Gee sir that sounds terrible, but what I would really like to know is what happened to yer hand?" The Pirate looked at him and looked back at his mug of ale and said," Aye, I was boarding another ship when some scaly landlubber cut it off with a razor sharp blade!"Then the cabin boy looked at the pirates eye patch and asked, "Excuse me sir, but just one more question, what happened to your eye, I must know, oh please tell me?" The Pirate look kind of annoyed but answered anyway, he said, "It happened a long time ago when a seagull pooped in me eye and I tried to rub it out with me hook!"

 

6-There once was a lady who had identical twin boys, named Amal and Juan. She could not care for them so she gave them up for adoption. One couple adopted Juan and moved to Spain. Another couple adopted Amal and moved to Iraq. Ten years later Juan sent his birth mother a letter and a picture of himself. The mother told her husband she wished Amal would send her a picture too. The husband said, "Well, when you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"!!!

 

Enough for Today...

[Yaabka-Yaabkiis]

A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell grapes!". So the next day the duck comes back and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell grapes, and the next time you come in here for grapes I'm going to nail your feet to the ground!!" So the next day the duck comes back and says "Got any nails?" and the bartender says "No, we don't sell nails" so the duck says "Got any hammers?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell hammers!" So the duck says "Got any grapes?"

[Yaabka-Yaabkiis]

Here it goes:

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.

"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"

 

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

 

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"

 

The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

[Yaabka-Yaabkiis]

Yep:

 

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

 

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

 

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

 

"I'm going too!!" he replied.

 

"Why?" She asked.

 

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!