BOB...You Son of A Gun! (PG)

[BOB]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

 

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

 

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

 

May I talk with him?" the man asked.

 

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

 

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

 

"Yes", came the answer.

 

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

 

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child., "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

 

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

 

"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

 

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

 

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

 

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

 

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

 

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

 

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

 

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

 

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

 

The grandmother was curious., "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

 

Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again."

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

 

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

 

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

 

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

 

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

 

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

 

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

 

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

Smart Blonde:

 

 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

 

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

 

"Today and tomorrow."

 

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

 

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

 

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

 

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

 

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"

 

"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"

 

The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.

When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats."

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

There was a blonde in the middle of a field sitting in a row boat, when another blonde spots her. The blonde in the car gets out of her vehicle and yells to the other blonde "You know it's blondes like you who give us a bad reputation. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ***!"

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

 

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

 

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

 

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

 

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

 

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

 

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

 

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

 

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

 

 

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

Money Talks!

 

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

 

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

 

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

 

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

 

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

 

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

 

 

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

Male assertiveness

 

 

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

 

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

 

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

 

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

 

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

"The funeral director," said his wife.

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

Spaghetti

 

 

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

 

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,

he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

 

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

 

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

 

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[BOB]

You're a Statue

 

 

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

 

'Don't move! You're a statue!'

 

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

 

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths'...and they never fed me a thing!"

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.