OG Moti Posted August 2, 2005 Doorbell There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn’t run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs. “I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.†“Yes, but are you good in bed?†“How do you think I rang the doorbell?†Women Women Women The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in. Ugly People Joke Once there was a bus of 100 ugly people. The bus swerved off the road and they all died. When A Jeni appeared and felt bad for them and gave them each one wish. The first guy came up and said… “I wish I was handsome.†So the Jeni made him handsome. So next a woman came up and said… “I wish I was beautiful.†So The Jeni made her beautiful. They came up one by one wishing to be beautiful and handsome. Meanwhile, the guy in the back is laughing hysterically. The Jeni asks him what is so funny. “Oh nothing†he says. When his turn arises The Jeni says, “Okay what’s your wish?†He replies, “Pfft, make them all ugly again.†The Perfect Car A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?†Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?†He answers, “Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to $hit when you hear the price.†Very Funny Headlines they are real headlines Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin’ lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [i can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While [you think?!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren’t they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That’s what he gets for eating those beans!] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [boy, are they tall!] Blonde Girl Catches Husband Cheating A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, “Shut up… you’re next.†Do You Ever Wonder ... ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ...why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed? ...why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery� ...why “abbreviated†is such a long word? ...why doctors call what they do “practice� ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? ...why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food? ...who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved†flavor? ...why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes? ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? ...why they call the airport “the terminal†if flying is so safe? Parking Ticket... I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, howabout giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a damn. My car was parked around the corner… Bush Trips While Jogging ... President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, “I want to go to Disneyland.†Bush says, “No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.†The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.†Bush says, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!†The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!†Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.†The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!!!†Peace Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
