a few funny bits

[Foxy]

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The

father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the

water. He comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies

with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

 

The mom says "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back

 

to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I

 

saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

 

Mom says, "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to

 

play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I

just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and

more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her Gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her Gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive."

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Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back

together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly

mother.

 

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

 

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

 

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom

enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent

her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the

church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the

chapter and Verse, and the parrot recites it."

 

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

 

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only

one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

 

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the

time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

 

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to

know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."