Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

[- Femme -]

I think I have a weird sense of humour. Although I laugh-out-loud at these "deep thoughts" none of my friends or family find it funny.....they think Ive gone crazy. But I find Jack Handy halarious. Anyone else think he' funny?

 

Check some of his ponderings:

 

1. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, ****** ?" and you'd say, "Aw **** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

 

2. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

 

3. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late

 

4. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

 

5. The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

 

6. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

 

7. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

[Jurnee]

LoooL, loved No.3

 

PS. You dont have a weird sense of humor cuz i thought it was funny too...mmm...never mind

[Jabarjaan]

Kinda funny

[Baluug]

Those were all funny as s%$t except for #5.An enema bag?WTF????!?!?!?!?!!!?!?!?!!

[J.Lee]

lol My sentiments exactly FF. My 7 brothers think I should be certified crazy because of my sense of humor or in their opinion lack of....

I've always found him funny and liked his sense of humor.I used to watch SNL just so I could see what Jack Handy had to say that week.

 

Postscriptum

3 and 7 were hilarious.I almost fell out of my chair.

[- Femme -]

^^ . I didnt know he came on TV! Damn...does he still come on SNL? I saw it online and fell in love with the guy. Hes damn funny...I wonder if they have clips online? :confused:

 

P.S. 7 brothers? :eek: :eek: I have 3 and think its too much!

 

Anyways: Here are more to enjoy

 

8. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

 

9. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

 

10. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

 

11. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

 

12. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

 

13. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

 

14. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

 

15. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

[Bess.]

i always watch old reruns of snl.....they r extremely funny....here some of my favourites...enjoy

 

1. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

2. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

3. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

4. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

5. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.