Memo to All Employees - 2005 Plans

[Jacaylbaro]

Memo to All Employees: Due to the recent economic downturn, we have been forced to implement a new method of employee deductions to paychecks effective as of January 1, 2005.

[by MR. VP]

*SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE* We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

*SURGERY* Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

 

*BEREAVEMENT LEAVE* This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

 

*YOUR OWN DEATH* This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

 

*REST ROOM USE* Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who's names beginning with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 And so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open AND YOUR PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN.

 

*PAYCHECK GUIDE* The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks. This will apply in all cases per/$1000 earned:

 

Gross Pay $1,000.00

Income tax $244.40

Outgo tax $45.21

State tax $11.61

Interstate tax $61.10

County tax $6.11

City tax $12.22

Rural tax $4.44

Back tax $1.11

Front tax $1.16

Side tax $1.61

Up tax $2.22

Down tax $1.11

Tic-Tacs $1.98

Thumbtacks $3.93

Carpet tacks $0.98

Stadium tax $0.69

Flat tax $8.32

Surtax $3.46

Corporate tax $2.60

Parking fee $5.00

FICA $81.88

T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95

Life insurance $5.85

Health insurance $16.23

Dental insurance $4.50

Mental insurance $4.33

Reassurance $0.11

Disability $2.50

Ability $0.25

Liability $3.41

Unreliability $10.99

Coffee $6.85

Coffee Cups $66.51

Floor rental $16.85

Chair rental $0.32

Desk rental $4.32

Union dues $5.85

Union don'ts $3.77

Cash advance $0.69

Cash retreats $121.35

Overtime $1.26

Undertime $54.83

Eastern Time $9.00

Central Time $8.00

Mountain time $7.00

Pacific Time $6.00

Time Out $12.21

Oxygen $10.02

Water $16.54

Heat $51.42

Cool air $26.83

Hot air $20.00

Miscellaneous $113.29

Sundry $12.09

Various $8.01

Net Take Home Pay $0.02

 

*FINAL THOUGHTS* Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. All comments and concerns should be sent to the company arbitrator. Costs for this service is $.02 per $1000 salary earned. Please pre-pay this fee with all correspondence.

[RendezVous]

I remember working in the Bank.

 

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's...

 

 

JUS LOVING.....

[Diamante]

*REST ROOM USE* Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who's names beginning with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 And so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open AND YOUR PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN.

loool....These people are not joking around yaah! Imagine ur picture taken while "doing your thing"...

[Baluug]

:cool: Sounds like the place where I work,only I don't pay so much for union don'ts!!

[Salma]

Is this memo written by the devil or what?!!

How Cruel VP? :mad:

 

Earlier [VP] used to be known as the abbreviation of a Vise President, it seems nowadays its for the VamPire only LOL

 

Nice 1 JB, thanx

 

Salam

[Dhagax-Tuur]

*YOUR OWN DEATH* This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

 

..That shouldn't have been good enough. The memo should have stated that "in the event of your death, we require you to notify us in advance which of your family member we should take as your replacement. And he/she must be trained to do your job. Trained from birth, that is, or you should've trained him/her in commencement to your employment with this company"....HAHAHAHAH!

[Diamante]

^^^

[Jacaylbaro]

Loooooooooooooooooooooool , ,,,,,,, so u can write your own Memo

[RendezVous]

This is a typical working life in the Western world.Acudhu billah....even the $0.02 is taken by the lawyer..

[Keyz 1-8-7]