Jokes

[Mombasa_QUEEN]

Hey it's me again.

 

"There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all

working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the

boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the

cement." Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."

Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your

work. It better be good or you're fired."

So they all go off to go get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He

looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.

Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian

guy. Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is

the Korean guy??" All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt

and yells, " SUPPLIES!""

[Wiilo]

California Drive Exam:

 

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

 

Here it is below:

 

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

 

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

 

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

 

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

 

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

 

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde

Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

 

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that

apply)

[ ] Eating

[ ] Applying make-up

[ ] Talking on the phone

[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat

[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs

[ ] Tanning

[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)

[ ] Watching TV

[ ] Reading Variety

[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

 

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____

b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

 

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime

b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase

c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through

d) Call your therapist

e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

 

In the event of an earthquake, should you:

a) stop your car

b) keep driving and hope for the best

c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones

d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

 

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) decelerate by 5 mph

b) drive twice as fast as usual

c) you're not sure what "rain" is

 

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac

b) Zovirax

c) Lithium

d) Zanax

e) Valium

f) Zoloft

If none, please explain: __________________.

 

Length of daily commute:

a) 1 hour

b) 2 hours

c) 3 hours

d) 4 hours or more

 

When stopped by police, should you:

a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready

b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway

c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

 

 

Go figure

[Warrior of Light]

Originally posted by Mombasa_QUEEN:

 

All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt

and yells, " SUPPLIES!""

Oh boy!!! Surprise

[IL CAPO]

Mombasa_QUEEN,

Tafadali,ni Ramadani jo..wacha kunani umiza mabavu siwezi kucheka.

jana imeoneshwa Watamu Beach, Giriama Beach, Mombasa Beach kwa Tv..ume cheki LooooooL... .

Peace.

[nafta]

looool kix kix kix@ Wiilo...thanx for that seriously cracked me up

[Mombasa_QUEEN]

LOL ILCAPO hamna shida...na ushaenda nyumbani ama bado uko mtani.

[Wiilo]

ISKA DHAADHICI:

 

Nin baa maalin dhakhtar u tegey isagoo u sheegay dhakhtarka inuu xanuunsanayo. Dhakhtarkii ayaa ninkii baritaan ku sameeyey su'aalana weydiiyey si uu u ogaado inuu ninkan cudurka haya iyo noociisa uu bal helo. Dhakhtarkiise wuxuuna dareemay in ninkan uu hayo wax la yiraa cuqdad nafsi ee uusan cudur kale hayn. Wuxuuna dhakhtarkii ninkii ku yiri "Waxaan kugula talinayaa inaad iska dhaadhicisid inaadan xanuunsanayn markaas ayaad bogsan doontaa." Ninkii ayaa yiri "Waahagaag dhakhtaroow", oo inuu tago isku dayey, markaas baa dhakhtarii yiri "War

ninyahow lacagtii baadhitaanka isii". Ninkii baa yiri "Dhakhtaroow, adiguna iska dhaadhici inaan lacagtii ku siiyey.

 

Go figure

[Jacaylbaro]

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK ,, looooooooooooooool ,, Wiilo ,,,, adiguna iska dhaadhici inaan aaad u qoslay

[MR ORGILAQE]

this was sent to me by a mad friend and i thought you guys might find it funny

 

 

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS.

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You retire on the income.

 

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.

You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.

You ask the US for financial aid,

China for military aid,

Britain for warplanes,

Italy for machines,

Germany for technology,

France for submarines,

Switzerland for loans,

Russia for drugs and

Japan for equipment.

You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

 

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.

You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.

You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

 

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

 

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

 

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

Both of them are MAD.

 

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

 

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

 

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You re-design them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

 

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.

You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

 

CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

 

SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS

You have a cow and a bull,

you let the cow be President and the bull be Prime Minister and let them blame each other for the state the country is in

 

 

And this one as well

 

 

>>The Rules (by Her)

 

>>

 

>>1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

 

>>2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

 

>>3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

 

>>4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must

 

>>immediately change some of THE RULES.

 

>>5. The Female is never wrong.

 

>>6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant

 

>>misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

 

>>7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing

 

>>the misunderstanding.

 

>>8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

 

>>9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written

 

>>consent of The Female.

 

>>10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

 

>>11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants

 

>>him to be angry or upset.

 

>>12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether

 

>>she wants him to be angry or upset.

 

>>13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

 

>>14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what

 

>>she said.

 

>>15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't

 

>>take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

 

>>16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the

 

>>Male must cater to her every whim.

 

>>17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

 

>>18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to

 

>>Rule #5.

[- Femme -]

A Really Bad Day

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

 

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Wiilo]

The customs of an Irishman

 

 

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."