Smile For today!, 18+

[Conspiracy]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

--

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

 

 

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

 

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

----

This guy was in hell all depressed , devil walks up and says, hey whats up why so depressed?

Guy says what the hell do you think man I'm in hell.

Devil says hey look man it aint all that bad down here

Guy says how do you figure?

Devil says hey look bud do you like to gamble?

Guy says yup

Devil says good man cause you know on Mondays all day and night we all get together here in hell and gamble all day and night thats all we do.

Guy says ok ,but not to impressed.

Devil gives him a nudge and says hey look man, do you like to drink?

Guys eyes light up and he says yeah man i love to drink.

Devil says good cause here in hell on Tuesdays all we do all day and night is drink, anything you like, til daylight.

Guy somewhat impressed says ok, cool.

Devil then taps him on the shoulder and says hey you like drugs man?

Guy says hey I dabble in them

Devil says good because guess what, yup on Wensdays we all gather round all day and night and do drugs, we shoot em, snort em, smoke em, drink em man we have a great ole time.

Guy says nice one.

Devil gets somewhat frustrated, walks right up to the guy puts his face right up to the guy and asks, " hey man are you gay".

The guy pushes the devil back with a pissed off look on his face and says hell no I ain't gay.

Devil walks back with both palms up, and says to the guy, "well i guess you ain't gonna like Thursdays".

---

After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the partners night stand

he asked nervously "is that your husband"

The girl says "No silly"

He asked "oh itz ur cuzin or rother"

the girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?

The girl says "Me before the surgery"

[Flavine]

Looooooooooooooooool...

 

that was good! tanx for cheerin me up.

 

even though i heard it b4, the last one was my favourite.

 

i hope i'm not 'gate-crashing' ur txt.. i thought i'd add these..

 

CORPORATE LESSON #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

 

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

 

 

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said,

"Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE".

The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.

The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

 

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

 

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.

 

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH** !!!!!!!........."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.