WordPerfect Helpline

[Warrior of Light]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The employee was consequently fired after the incident (now I know why they record these

conversations!).

 

Helpline: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

 

Client: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

 

Helpline: "What sort of trouble?"

 

Client: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words

went away."

 

Helpline: "Went away?"

 

Client: "They disappeared."

 

Helpline: "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

 

Client: "Nothing."

 

Helpline: "Nothing?"

 

Client: "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

 

Helpline: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

 

Client: "How do I tell?"

 

Helpline: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

 

Client: "What's a sea-prompt?"

 

Helpline: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

 

Client: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

 

Helpline: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

 

Client: "What's a monitor?"

 

Helpline: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

 

Client: "I don't know."

 

Helpline: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

 

Client: "Yes, I think so."

Helpline: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

 

Client: "Yes, it is."

 

Helpline: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

 

Client: "No."

 

Helpline: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

 

Client: "Okay, here it is."

 

Helpline: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

 

Client: "I can't reach."

 

Helpline: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

 

Client: "No."

 

Helpline: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

 

Client: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

 

Helpline: "Dark?"

 

Client: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

 

Helpline: "Well, turn on the office light then."

 

Client: "I can't."

 

Helpline: "No? Why not?"

 

Client: "Because there's a power failure."

 

Helpline: "A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it linked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

 

Client: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

 

Helpline: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it

from."

 

Client: "Really? Is it that bad?"

 

Helpline: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

 

Client: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

 

Helpline: "Tell them you're too f**king stup*d to own a computer!!!"