shida ya matatu ni furaha ya mabaya

[RendezVous]

...>>>>Yani I have no clue how I was a PREFECT & on BLACK BOOK.... ......ayayayayayaya terrible

[Keyz 1-8-7]

Anyone care to translate this into english. I'm taking that it is a very funny joke because I have never seen so many ppl reply to a joke before.

[raula]

^^^get yourself some sijui chick then-you will have many blessings + comprehend the jokes

 

maze mnavichoma vitabu eh someni ebu-nchi ina wangojea Insha-allah May 7th ni sikukuu yangu Mmealikwa wanafunzi, wazee, wamama, mabeste, manzis, hata mashosho waleteni. Insha-allah ntaleta mabuyu, kaimati, kashata, pera, chelebib, etc.

 

Ma'salaama.

[RendezVous]

Nakuombea kheir Raula insha-llah...Lakini still mei ni mbali jo..kwani a PR?

[raula]

salaala ebu chekini hii joke-subhanallah,watu vile wana dhulmi-hata maut(maiti)hapewi heshima-ingawa ni JK it happens when circumstances are harsh like this.

 

JOKE OF THE DAY

Note: Apology to any Nigerians, but this forward was just hilarious!

A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister.

 

The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:-

 

Dearest brodas and sistos, I am sending you our moda's remains for burial de in Lagos. Sorry I couldn't come along as de expenses were so high. You will find inside de coffin, onda Mama's body, 12 can s of Libby's corn beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat.Just share it among yourselves.

 

On Mama's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8)for Junior.De are four pairs of Reeboks onder Mama's head for Tunde's sons. Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for Omo Roy and de rest are my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wondo Bra (your favorite), just divide it among yourselves. De 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties dat Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.

 

Underneat mama's body is 20 kgs of cocaine in satchets which is wort 120 million Naira. Dis should take care of all of you and de unborn babies in your bodies. Dont bury her wid all dis fortune.

 

Mama is also wearing eight Docker pants - Ikeje, please get one for yourself and de rest are for de boys. De Swiss watch you asked for is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Ifoma , Mama is wearing what you asked for ie ear rings, ring and necklace -please just get dem. Also, de six pairsof Chanel stockings dat Mama is wearing must be divided among the teen-age girls de. I hope dey like de color.

 

Your loving sister, Nene

 

PS: Plse take care of finding a dress for her burial since all i had dressed her in were your presents.

[RendezVous]

.................De 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties dat Mama is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins...

 

You must be a joker...

 

Typical Nigerian...

[raula]

Kenyan Lawyers.... haha

Reported in the Nairobi Bar Association Lawyers monthly Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by lawyers during Trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" (by Kibugi Muite) 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" (Imanyara G.) 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" (some lawyer from Kiambu) 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" ( by Amos Wako) 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" (Ochieng OndeyoAdvocates) 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" (Mugo Muriuki & Co.) 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" (Kanyi Advocates) 13. Q: "Mr. Kimani, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,didn't you? A: "I went to Europe, sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male or female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a position notice which I sent to your lawyer?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral,OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And Mr. Mbogori was dead at the time?" A "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval." 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

 

A llit' squeeze for granny

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. “Breast fed,†the woman replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,†the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.†“I know,†she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.â€

[RendezVous]

Raula you are funny salaaala...Where do u normally fetch this nice articles and jokes.Mazee you can make someone be laughing a whole day..

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes.

" Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" (Kanyi Advocates)

[Waranle_Warrior]

Heheh hahaha, By far the funniest

 

By the way, Swahili is my lingo, not naive but native Swihili speaker.

[raula]

Rende-most of kenyan sites wako na mchongoanos hizi-you will have plenty of vitimbi mpaka meno zilege ai manze sitaki nione hizo mapengos utafikiri ULIMI imewekwa JELA hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

 

 

Waranle-aisee hiyo mshale ulinyata kutoka kwa bendera VELCOME to SOL and enjoy your stay.

 

 

baxali yake-kila la heri wenzangu.

[Warrior of Light]

Wazee Ä° know long time no c nor salam. Naona vitu vyako Bi Raula. Ni vi kali.

 

Nakupa kitu kengine, swa ya Tz.Hope u will enjoy the di-ya-logi.

 

 

if u kno swahili accent ..... dis is funny

 

An expatriate from Tanzania, Mr. Juma Kichwagumu writes:

 

"I am very distabed by the Horribo traffic situashon in Toronto. Fast of

all, they is not a singo Foriceman to be seen directing tha pipo on tha

streets. To make mattas even warse they are so many cars on the rods

that tha whöre prace rooks rike a farking rot. Ala !

 

 

Then you have those pipo who think they own the rods; justi breakin all

the rules and zooming around rike nobodies business.

 

 

But the wast are those chinese pipo. They are soooo srow and even they

cannot see ova their dachboard. and theya eyes are orways crozed so they

see nothing. Who tha herr gave them a Ricence.

 

The other sro pipo are the grandmaddas. Wot business do they have on the

rods at that age. They should just stay at home and tha world would be a

quicka prace.

 

I have to say something about those cerr phone usas in the cars. The car

is for driving and not for talking to your laved ones on the telephone.

If you reary want to talk to those pipo then take them in the car with

you and talk to them.

 

 

Then I see those pipo ngoing haiti when the speed rimit says sickesty.

What the herr is orr the rush for, you can kirr samone you know? Then

you have those pipo ngoing haiti on the highway when tha speed rimit is

one masai(100). I wanda if the think they are ngoing to theya

ghandFaddas funerol. Move it you nguys!

 

 

But the biggest prize has to go to those ferros on the bicycols. They

think that just becoz they have a Brack Mamba that they can weave in

andi out of tha traffic rike a Brack Mamba snake. Risten cayafoorry you

nguys: "you are not a snake" repit afta me "you are not a snake" If I

catch any of you doing it again I wirr be forced to run you ova rike a

rat. You know my anko is a foriceman I can get away with it. OOps I

think I have said too mush"

 

 

Prease mista minista do something about this Horribo situashon.

 

Sinsiyari

 

Juma Kichwagumu. (exfaktriate from Tanzania)

[RendezVous]

Prease mista minista ...this must be a gikuyu joke..after all this...nowadays I don't talk like that..but used to be..

[raula]

To make mattas even warse they are so many cars on the rods

that tha whöre prace rooks rike a farking rot. Ala !

Huyu ametoka MERU-labda its my friend MUTISO ati "farking rot"....ala nimebwaka mpaka mate imeninyonga

 

Risten cayafoorry you

nguys: "you are not a snake" repit afta me "you are not a snake" If I

catch any of you doing it again I wirr be forced to run you ova rike a

rat. You know my anko is a foriceman I can get away with it

hehehehe me roves this Nguy -mwenyeji kweli. Reminds me of wajathe and waluhya's wakianza kutweng.

[RendezVous]

THE BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

 

The,president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a ****** bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady , "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[raula]

looooooooooooooooool-salaaala ai shosho mmoja mkali kweli walahi nimekufa kucheka ala-walahi huyu ni nyanya ametoka River road Jambazi kabisa wacha basi shosho alipe madeni-hehehehehehehe.

 

this part was also funny to me:

turning from side to side, again and again

kwani anakaranga nyama looooooooooooooool-NGAI FAFA!