shida ya matatu ni furaha ya mabaya

[raula]

^^^kumbe-me hata si pay attention ahsanta.

 

PS: Kuna manzi mmoja anaitwa SHUTA penye naishi (u can imagine my reaction)nilibwaka bwana salaaala

[RendezVous]

...vijana na hata waseeeeeee....

[raula]

wananchi wenzangu msijaribu hii jk nyumbani kwenu

 

A kid asks his father "is there a matatu in your room?" The fathers says "why?" The kid says "because last night I heard you telling mom IKISIMAMA PANDA"

 

Enjoy.

[RendezVous]

>>>>>This is really a rated joke raula..umenimwaga sasa....salaaaaaaaaaala

[Viking]

akakakaka...jo! probably mangoma ilikuwa 'chini ya maji' pia

[raula]

[raula]

Viking-sija nyita hiyo lingo yako bado. ebu FAFANUA ndugu. Wajua mie hapa shosho na swa changu cha kalenjin isn't much of a help dear.

 

[Warrior of Light]

Dad really needs to do some explaining.

[RendezVous]

>>>>Chini ya maji means mangoma jo...ka mat yani ikiwa na mangoma...I am here sis Kaleee.

[raula]

Another ma3 visa na vituko from mwambao. jiburudisheni

 

Once you mention public transport, several come to mind. In Mombasa the most popular ones are the buses and the matatus. Let me start with the buses. Kenya Bus Services (KBS) are basically the only ones running the routes in the island and its vitongoji. No other company takes the local routes. Then there are the mabasi ya Dharamshi, the old Coast buses and Tawakal, which run the provincial routes; to Kwale, Tiwi, Msambweni, and Lunga Lunga to the south, to Voi,Mwatate, and Taveta, to the west, and Malindi, Mambrui, and Lamu to the north. I will say a few lines on the KBS. I am sure we all know its headquater, in Mwembe Tayari. Due to its popularity, our mothers have even coined a Swahili word for a bus. They called any bus as Kenya basi, and the others as Kenya basi ya…… Voi, Malindi, Mswambweni etc. You may hear something like, “ Mamake nanihuyu, unsikiya hiyo ajali ilotokeya Darsalama? Kenya basi mbili zingongana, lakini alhamdulillahi watu wantoka salama.â€

 

These buses are always full, (before the matatus became popular). As kids I remember getting into these buses and stay at the back. Once you see the conductor approaching, we would jump out of the bus without paying the fare. If we were three or four, we would sit at different seats. When the bus conductor comes asking for the bus fare, you always point to someone behind who is paying for both. Sometimes it works, but not always. Last time I was in Mombasa after eight years absence, I found that the KBS buses were scarce and the matatus have taken over. I also noticed that the bus steps are too high compared to the ones I saw in Canada and the USA. No wonder our mothers use to have a hard time getting into the buses. “ Yooooo hebu subiri dereva kidogo.†Says the struggling mother, “ Mtumee!!!! Hebu shika adabu yako na wewe mwanaharamu. Unkaa ka n’gombe mwajivurumiza tu, hamuoni watu, Aah.†Says another, as she gets shoved aside by a passenger, in a hurry to go in. People used to laugh at our mothers and scold them too, “ Hii mama ya kiswahili eh. Mambo yao yote taratibu.†We use to be embarrassed and say, “ Lakini hawa mama zetu nao wataweza kuishi Nairobi, au bara kweli, ikiwa mambo ni haya?†The interesting thing is now, many wish things remained laid back and done the way they used to be. There was something else that I never liked as a kid that many mothers used to do once they have boarded the bus. They will look around and see that there was no empty seat. Then they notice you, a nine, ten eleven or twelve years old seated. Immediately I see the buibui lifted in one hand I know what is coming. “Hebu inuka mwanangu nkupakate, manake nnachoka hata siwezi tena kusimama.†Remember what I said, you are just about to become a teenager or you are in your dawn of teen. You are the coolest person, you feel you are a grown up man, you can’t raise your arm for long because there is an odor coming from your armpit that is not desirable, and then this mother is asking you to sit on her lap. Most of the time we just offer the seat to the lady and move behind. I had a feeling that these mothers kind of knew we would not sit on their laps. AND THEN THERE WAS MATATU…

 

Matatus are never full. They seem like they are made of elastic or something. There is always a space for one more. The manambas will always make space for one more. I also noticed that manambas did not go to schools that teach customer satisfaction, political correctness, or business ethics. I witnessed a manamba telling a heavy lady, “ Ummh… Mami, siwezi kukuchukuwa . Ikiwa utapanda basi utalipa watu watatu. Manake sikidogo wewe.†The obese lady was begging to be taken, but the manamba just gave her a deaf ear. At the end the woman caved in and agreed to pay for two. The manamba agreed. Then once the lady was in the matatu, she found that the manamba was adding more people to her seat of three. “ Sasa wewe si unsema nilipe watu wawili, mbona waniengezea watu tena kana kwamba nnalipa ya nusu mtu.†The lady started to complain. “ Aah wewe mama poa.†The manamba responds with the least concern. Many people prefer matatu because there is music. The only problem is that the decibels kept going up, and the customers were gradually, turned into hearing impaired by choice. The drivers of the matatus are the coolest guys. They are mostly wearing sheds,made in Taiwan Raybans, and their mouths are in constant movement. Their hearing is limited, and well filtered. They only hear things like, “ Twende!†“ Ngoja dreva!†and the manambas’ chants of, “ Kongowea Kisauni Mlaleo Barsheba Mwandoni!†Or “ Feri! Feri!†or “ Docks! Docks!†while the clicks of the coins in their palm keeps the chanting going. The matatu drivers are always in a hurry to leave and overtake, only to stop the van less than one hundred meters later to pick another customer. I will end this week visa with one that I witnessed close to Mwandoni.

 

I went to visit a friend of mine who owns a shop by the road. This is one of the busy roads frequented by busses, matatus and lories. Just after the Masjid Aqsa/msikiti wa ijumaa/ msikiti mkubwa/ msikiti wa kisauni Islamic institute, there is a corner, that leads you to mwandoni. There is no more tarmac. It is all sand, and because of the rains, sometimes you come across unnamed lakes. The potholes are big enough to swallow a car. One day a matatu was coming from Bamburi heading to town. Just before they reached to that corner, an electric cable fell down, and dropped right on top of this matatu. Mind you the matatu was full. All you could see was sparkles as the cable was falling. I have never seen a van emptied in such a short time in my life. The first one out was the driver. There was one of those ladies who have to pay for three at the front seat. All I saw was she was out, and the door was not opened. This matatu had about 24 or 25 passengers. In less than 30 seconds, it was empty. Amma kifo chatisha kweli. On the other side of the road another matatu was empty too. One guy who was sandwiched in the middle with his bicycle, found himself beside me asking, “ Nini eh? Napeleka baskili, mara naona tete za moto tu. Hata sijui nimeiangusha vipi ile baskili nikakimbiya.†I maybe rude, but am telling you, you had to be there to understand why I was laughing uncontrollably. I saw the manamba of the matatu that was struck by the cable, shouting to the one- seat- for- three- lady. “ Wewe mama tena hujalipa, fanyafanya basi….†The lady was furious, “ Wewe mwanaharamu, mpumbavu, huna haya tena waja dai pesa hapa. Mshenzi mkubwa. Nsalama nnatoka mzima badala ya kunijuliya hali wewe ndio mwanzo waja uliza pesa zako ( msonyo ). Haya sikulipi basi fanya utakalo fanya.†The lady was going after the manamba with hands akimbo…………To be continued.

[raula]

pets:European/N.American VS. Africa

 

AKINA WAO: AKINA SISI:

 

1- Dogs and Cats are pets. 1- Dogs and Cats are pets

 

2- Parrots are pets 2- Parrots are pets

 

3- Rats, Hamstring, and other 3-You must be crazy. Rodents are a nuisance and

 

Rodents are pets. food for the cats. They are NOT PETS.

 

4- Snakes are pets. 4- Wewe unwazimu wewe.Hebu usituletee uchawi

 

wako hapa.

 

5- Ants are pets. 5- Hehe hehehee muateni huyu. Ankosa kazi sasa.

 

6-What the hell are you talking 6- Hens, cockerel, and chickens are pets.

 

about, chickens are food.

 

……..and the list can go on.

[Mombasa_QUEEN]

dang raula that was a good joke eti kuna matatu mmmmh lol that was funny.IKISIMAMA PANDA

[Viking]

More mchongoano...

 

- ati vile wewe mchoyo mpaka ukishikilia ten bob moi anabaki na vest

 

- Sistako ni ugly mpaka monkey ikampatia ndizi

 

- WE NI MCHAFU MPAKA UKO NA MTARO KWA CHEST.

 

- Budako fala alirepeat kuzaliwa

 

- Walls za kwenyu ni thin neighbour akikata kitunguu mnaanza kulia

 

- we mfupi mbaka ukishuka kutoka kwa zile vitanda double decker lazima utumie parachute

 

- You are so ugly that if u walked into a cornfield the crows would bring back the corn they stole last year.

 

- shosho yako ni mzee mpaka kunyi yake iko na spider web (plain vicious! akakaka)

 

- We mblack mpaka ukikutana na mzungu afternoon anakushow good evening?

 

- Ngombe yenu mzee mpaka inatoanga yogurt

 

- Kwenu kumekauka mpaka ngombe yenu hutoa milk powder

 

- manze una miguu kaa za kuku,ukienda,watu wanadhani unarudi.

 

- nyii wadosi mpaka aerial yenu nu ya fila.

 

- Umesota mpaka huwezi afford kupay attention

 

- wee ni mzii mpaka ukiumwa na mosquito zina tema

mate

 

- Nyanyako mzee akienda kulala ye hu-hang ngozi yake kwa hanger!

 

- Budako mjinga alipokuwa aki-fill job application form, alienda tao kuijazia huko kwasababu ilsema "FILL IN CAPITAL."

 

- Nyinyi m-mesota mpaka mna-kunywanga chai na kifuniko ya Bic.

 

- Hao yenu ndogo uki-turn kwa bed unapolala unajipata kwa jirani.

 

- tv yenu ni carton baba yenu anaingia ndani halafu anasoma news

 

- Paka yenu noma mpaka iki shika panya inaitisha chumvi

 

- Kwenu nyinyi ni wengi mpaka mkipigwa family photo wengine wanatokea kama wame hang kwa frame

 

- TV yenu ndogo mpaka wasee wa News wame piga magoti

 

- ati wee ni mjinga mpaka ukirusha mawe kwa Ground bado una-hata

 

- We mrefu mpaka ukianza kuvaa underwear by the time ifike kwa magoti ime rust.

 

-Wacha kujisikia na kwenyu Easter mulikula Patco na mapera.

 

 

-Budako ni fala, alienda kubuy ngombe akaona ikikojoa akasema, sitaki hiyo, imetoboka.

 

- ASUBUHI ASUBUHI...HARUFU YA GUMBOOT NA BIG G

 

- We mblack mpaka unasweat soot.

 

- Kwenyu nyinyi ni wa daft mpaka kupata

driving licence ilibidi mpelekwe

boarding school.

 

- ati kwenyu muko wengi mpaka mathe hupika chapo mbili zingine anafanya photocopy ndio yeye na fathe wakule original

[RendezVous]

...IKISIMAMA PANDA"...issue ..Raula you are so generous with u stories..

 

One more thing I hated about mats is this...

 

You know in the morning (Nairobi)when students go for school..we used to gather in groups to wait for mathrees..gossiping about madems na teachers..

 

We select the latest mat with real mangoma(oLd sChOoL) filled with amm supuus be they Somalis or jareers..The somalis were making us jealous coz they used to groove na mababi..majareers,ma antenos..na hata ..wangoso..So tunawalenga and all goes well.

 

So as it continued, we used to get perks and favours from different mats and the Somali ladies used to get the highest favour till sometime mat imejaa na madem wasupuu hata wasomali walikuwa wakisimamisha mat even on the way..na hata imeshona..dereee anashuka..the lady is given a nice seat..and she gets a nice ride..nobody asks for chapaa..IKISIMAMA PANDA like..

 

It continued like that until one night kuna mabeste walitushow ati..kuna dem msomali alikuwa akipataga favours za free lifts mpaka ikafika soo kadha wakamshow ati alipe jo..ati alikataa ku deliver the Goods ...alikuwa akizi deliver kidogo kidogo kwa beste moja lakini alitakikana azi deliver this time kwa group kama manamba wanne hivo..

 

One day dem akiwa ndani ya mat..akaambiwa leo ni leo..yacni dividends..Dem akalenga kimchezo chezo tu..eh akaambiwa basi ale mangoma tu hawezi kushuka..The mat went 8cycles mpaka hata lights zimeanza kuwa dim jo..

 

So wakaenda na dem huo msomali mpaka wakam 'RAPE'

in turns na kumtupa Ngong jo..imagine..Imagine all that happened with just small small favours for her..maybe even less than a cent US dollar per 3-5 trips but accumulated to 5 Dollars..Just imagine...

 

So the lady couldn't reveal any information but as you know most mat guyz..are players..so they won't mind telling you as a joke..nilimwahi ati huyu dem wenyu and so on..The story caught us unawares..Coz huyo dem alikuwa anatulengaga vibaya jo..sisi mabeste wasomali..

 

This guyz may or may not have AIDS...so we assumed they atleast they did some stuff with her ..and most Somali never used to mind that..most ladies passed the same scenario..na tunawajua wengi by names..although some relocated to UK and other parts of the world...and we also mind keeping secrects

 

It used to give me bloody maseeyr..and am sorry to say that..

 

Anybody with some more stories..

[raula]

^^^ah hiyo ilikuwa kawaida-subhanallah lakini-yani mabeste wanawatoroka vijana wenzao, wakimbilia mwana haramu-uuf alek :mad: . N'wayz Rendez-nice I remember I was in the BLACK BOOK lakini I was some genius(bright when it comes to exams and tests, and many teachers liked me) -besides I was a prefect. Yani I have no clue how I was a PREFECT & on BLACK BOOK basi and why is it that always its the DEPUTY (headgal and headmistress for my case coz I went to one of the JAMBAZI chuos in NRB ) who are cruel. Ala-we were contemplating one night in beatin' the lights outta our Deputy headgal(Mkyuk mmoja amejibeba sana-she thought alikuwa anatweng ile mbaya)-wacha! si alikutana na MASHIFTA hehehehe walahi hizi mastori inanikumbusha home sana(insha-allah till end of year when I get to muse over).

 

Viking-hizo chongos kali sana. I like these better.

 

-shosho yako ni mzee mpaka kunyi yake iko na spider web (plain vicious! akakaka) ala maskin.

 

-Wacha kujisikia na kwenyu Easter mulikula Patco na mapera.-hehehehe I loved PATCO na MAPERA dang(mapera ya maziwa, chumvi, tamu etc-tulikuwa na mapera shamba around my childhood madrasa and mskitini-ala mzee (SHARIF) salim used to hate us kids because we would climb trees for mapera na matunda

 

-ati kwenyu muko wengi mpaka mathe hupika chapo mbili zingine anafanya photocopy ndio yeye na fathe wakule original I saw one long ago saying ati : kweni mko wengi mpaka mkipika chapo, mnafanya foto copy halafu mnaweka kwa files