Courtroom Quotations

[Warmoog]

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"

Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."

Lawyer: "It was covered?"

Witness: "Yes, bandaged."

Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"

Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

 

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"

Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."

Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"

Witness: "Forty-five years."

 

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "My name is Susan."

 

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Lawyer: "What did she say?"

Witness: "'What disco am I at?'

 

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

 

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

 

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

 

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"

Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."

Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

 

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

 

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"

Witness: "Yes sir."

Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

 

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"

Witness: "Picking them up in the air."

Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"

Witness: "Attached to the ears."

 

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"

Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "How old are you?"

Witness: "Oral."

 

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

[boxer]

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"

Witness: "Picking them up in the air."

Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"

Witness: "Attached to the ears."

 

oh my god i almost pissed my pants in the library