Married the wrong guy.

[N M]

I got married 3 month ago with a guy i don't love but he loves me so much.

His lovely, caring and treats me very well. I told him before i got married to him that i don't love him but he said it doesn't matter to him as long he have me in his life. Lately I'm feeling he needs that love from me and he says 1000 times a day "i love you" to me, i can't say it back to him. So i stay quite.

It bothers me every time he says that, i feel shit. I don't enjoy talking to him, his voice irritates me, i feel disgusted when he touches me.

 

I was in love with another man 5 years but it didn't work out with the family and when my husband asked me to marry him 3rd time, i said yes cause he is a good man, we have been friends 7 years and he loves me. I thought marrying my closed friend will bring me happiness but i was wrong, when there is no attraction or common things between two people, it's just plain. I had butterflies when i use to talk my ex, we talked hours still felt we didn't talk at all, my husband is opposite there is no sparkle with him, i keep comparing to my ex and he has nothing on him. I feel like im dying inside. As a Somalian we just have to suck in and deal with it but it's so difficult for me when i felt once love and attraction towards someone in past, I miss that feeling when you don't need to pretend or act, you just enjoy the feeling your heart feels.

I'm sad most of the time, i use to laugh and enjoy life more but now all i can think of is how i end up in this situation, i don't to want bring shame or conflict between the family, mine and his.

I'm very succesful woman in life. I have everything except love,passion,sparkle relationship.

[Mooge]

do you have kids together?

 

they say sparkle is gone after kids. lol. this is tough abayo. you need to wait it out till you are 30 and you will learn to love him. you did this the wrong way in the first place and it is time to own it. you can't bail out on him after you wasted his time this long.

[Dhagax-Tuur]

Suck it up, unless of course you don't have kids or aren't expecting.

[spartacus]

It's difficult situation. it happens when you marry some one who you don't love or don't attract you. but know it's your choice compare things in wise way and take decision.

 

[Bluelicious]

You didn't think it through. Never marry a person out of convenience or because your just friends. Friendship and relationship are completely different.

 

This happened to me too except I didn't get married to the guy. It was a one sided love and he proposed to me I told him the truth because there was no chemistry, attraction and I don't like leading people on. He was also overfriendly with other women. He even later thanked me for being honest with him. It was the best decision I made as I believe in listening to your intuition. If something makes you unhappy and is not mutual don't do it.

 

The truth will set you free. Be honest with yourself and with him and tell him the truth. Lies do more damage than you think and can ruin your life. Sister you're in control of your life and happiness you always got the choice to change things you don't like or aren't working for you or if you unhappy.

 

Don't live for the opinion of others and what they will think of you. That's a recipe for unhappiness. It's your life do what's best for you only you know that.

 

''Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

 

-Steve Jobs

[Bluelicious]

@Mooge

said:

do you have kids together?

 

they say sparkle is gone after kids. lol. this is tough abayo. you need to wait it out till you are 30 and you will learn to love him. you did this the wrong way in the first place and it is time to own it. you can't bail out on him after you wasted his time this long.

 

Loool Mooge. What do you mean till 30? You mean you become more tolerant as there's no exit. They say life starts at 30

[Dhagax-Tuur]

That saying of Jobs is not always true. There are times that you need to consider the bigger picture, and there are issues that are far more important and require one to put up with than simply following your intuition.

 

If you got kids with the man, he doesn't mistreat the women and looks after them, isn't it worth considering the family unit than being effing selfish?

[Bluelicious]

@Dhagax-Tuur

said:

That saying of Jobs is not always true. There are times that you need to consider the bigger picture, and there are issues that are far more important and require one to put up with than simply following your intuition.

 

If you got kids with the man, he doesn't mistreat the women and looks after them, isn't it worth considering the family unit than being effing selfish?

 

Clearly you didn't properly read her story. She said she got married 3 months ago so there's no kids and she didn't say she was expecting. It's all in the first sentence of her story. I took that in consideration. Get your facts straight next time.

[Dhagax-Tuur]

Mioew! Take it easy. I was talking generally. Besides It might have been three months but she could still be expecting, knowingly or unknowingly. Besides, this new age crap with the assumption that the grass is always greener on the other side is rubbishy. Families should stick together unless there is a very good reason why they should part ways. Don't live in dogma diatribe is shyt to put it politely. Jobs himself didn't blv it, heck as he was giving that damn speech it is said that he was lying about his health. Live in the real world, a world of give and take.

[Holac]

What is attraction? There are horridly ugly guys who dazzle women because they know what they are doing. Any guy who can't make a woman fall in love with him after marriage (having her on bed anytime) is a wimp and needs to elevate his game.

 

[Dhagax-Tuur]

That's quite a balsy statement. Human emotions are very complicated. People come in different mentalities and what you said up there maybe true for some, but not for others.

 

As believing people in the west, and the fact that we don't have systems and ways to determine the suitability of the opposite sex, and please let me expand on this, the reality is we're not hopefully going to opt for cohabitation, we must use our better decision making organ when it comes to matters of relationship.

[Bluelicious]

@Dhagax-Tuur

said:

Mioew! Take it easy. I was talking generally. Besides It might have been three months but she could still be expecting, knowingly or unknowingly. Besides, this new age crap with the assumption that the grass is always greener on the other side is rubbishy. Families should stick together unless there is a very good reason why they should part ways. Don't live in dogma diatribe is shyt to put it politely. Jobs himself didn't blv it, heck as he was giving that damn speech it is said that he was lying about his health. Live in the real world, a world of give and take.

 

Lol at mioew dude I was just saying

 

She realised she made a mistake in marrying this guy. Being sad, unhappy and feeling lonely aint worth it to be married. I find it a bad idea for her to be pushed to stay in a marriage she doesn't want to. Somalis seem to have a habit of doing that mostly to women. Things will only get worse over time and in such case you better off alone it's not like she's tied to him.

 

Holac it's not all about sex.

[galbeedi]

If the whole thing is three month old , and she is already dissatisfied , then certain measures must be implemented. If there is that much hate and contempt for the guy, then divorce could be a mercy, but before you severe the ties try to do some unusual steps to create interest. There has to be spark of flames especially in the early months. Try some of this:

 

1-Travel together to some unusual places like back home and reach back your roots to get some perspective.

 

2- Although the western life style and the climate put all of us constantly either at work or home, we must Try to share our lives with other people and do not be with each others shadow day and night. Two of my two co-workers wo are married , spent most of their time together. They take coffee and lunch breaks together while passing by each other all day at the same workplace. Then they have to finish work and drive home together . few weeks ago while chatting about life and marriage, he complained about work and he asked me my opinion. I told him to find another job for the sake of his marriage.

3- Why not create the spark yourself. Women have always certain mystery in them. Little tension would be a plus sometimes.

 

Even if there were doubts before the marriage, after the consumption , a sense of unity, mercy and love starts as the Quraan says., " "And among His Signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." [sûrah Rûm: 21]

 

 

 

The again Holac could be correct. While it is always important to marry someone you like, A husband has a thousand opportunity to fix every issue of character, love and compatibility. We all have certain weaknesses , but some weaknesses will not be overlooked by most women. Many Somali women expect the man to be Alpha male with strong character. Being friend to you before marriage mean nothing. He already shown you his gentle side while being your friend, now must show his toughness. he maybe your friend or husband , but you are measuring him every day , month and year. who knows , you may even like a ruthless bad boy than a weak but gentleman guy.

 

The truth is we don't know much, other than what mentioned, and we are not qualified councillors. Anyway challenge him first before saying good by.

 

Years ago, I used to be shocked when people were divorcing , especially those who had a lot of children, but if childless, recently married people keep quarrelling and calling for mediation, I say " let it go" why the hardship.

 

 

[Miyir]

lol @ everyone here. She said the dude is too nice or more like a door mat, very common somali men trait no cure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Tallaabo]

If you are unhappy with the marriage talk to him about it and ask for divorce. Tell him the truth and say that he is the only partner in this union who is happy.