Children aren't an extension of the parents

[Bluelicious]

"I find a lot of...parents fall under narcissism. They basically get a child to fulfil their emotional needs (a lot of the time out of ostentation). A list of expectations have been formed even before the child is born ( a lot of the time doctor or engineer and marriage to someone who will be of benefit to the parents). So children's capabilities, desires and natural habits are forced to conform to the parents' list even if the child's make up doesn't fit the rigid demands.

 

Instead of letting the child grow up normally and do what comes naturally- they are forced to live according to the parents' script and a genuine inability is classed as rebellion by the parents which warrants punishment from the parents. Children are seen as a continuation of the parents' success (what the parents class as success that is) and it would be a crime for the kids to ruin it. Or children are expected to compensate for the parents' failure and hence it is them who will bring back the equilibrium or bring superiority to the family.A child might even be held accountable for a nasty comment by a family friend ( just an example) as the parents see it as the child bringing shame to the family instead of classifying it as rudeness from the commenter. towards an innocent child.

 

The reality is children are not an extension of the parents' (needs). They are offspring who could have a different healthy outlook on life which they want to pursue. To deprive a child of expressing themselves is harmful.

 

If a child fails to deliver or manifests other plans- it could get nasty. The parents think the purpose of getting a child is not being fulfilled. After that what happens can vary- revenge, abandonment or measures to put the child back into the initial plan and narcissist tactics are possibilities.

 

I ask Allah SWT to forgive us and guide us to the straight path."

 

Saif Ayman

 

[xabad]

Good piece, Blue!

 

Some traits are too embedded in the human psyche to let go off. The Parenting style you describe is one such.

 

"Your so and so, we have great expectations from you, caruurta kugu dayaneeysa, I was no 1 in my class when i was your age, we want you to be a great scholar, i am training you so that you can train your kids iwm.

 

Tiresome and dispiriting drivel, they'r under genetic imperative so you can't even be mad at them.

 

 

[OdaySomali]

What do you guys think about people who choose not to have kids?

[xabad]

<cite>

@OdaySomali

said:</cite>

What do you guys think about people who choose not to have kids?

 

I think the world of them.

 

They are special people, usually highly intelligent, educated, accomplished and all that.

 

Number of children is a sure predictor for intelligence, under developed countries and the lower classes in industrialized societies usually have lots of children.

[Haatu]

<cite>

@OdaySomali

said:</cite>

What do you guys think about people who choose not to have kids?

 

They nearly always tend to spend their final years very lonely and regretful (that's if not having kids was a choice). I would know as I come into contact with such individuals in my line of work. I feel sorry for them.

 

Don't make that mistake sxb. At least go for 1 (if there aren't any medical reasons preventing you). The toil will be worth it in the end.

[xabad]

<cite>

@Haatu

said:</cite>

They nearly always tend to spend their final years very lonely and regretful (that's if not having kids was a choice). I would know as I come into contact with such individuals in my line of work. I feel sorry for them.

 

Don't make that mistake sxb. At least go for 1 (if there aren't any medical reasons preventing you). The toil will be worth it in the end.

 

Cheap scare tactics.

 

 

 

[galbeedi]

I do not wish to interfere this kind of topics, but since it is of children, I would like to add few points. The case the sister is pointing out is probably an extreme case of control.

 

She pointed out about expectation of the parents and atoning their failures through their children. That is true. We would like them to avoid our past failures. If the parents want his children to pursue what he could not achieve for themselves or aspiring higher goals for their kids, we are guilty as charged. I was the first in my family to go to school. My dad did not had that chance. When I was in high school, I was studying with lamp (Faynuus) at night. Electricity was rare thing that can only probably found in Mogadishu or Hargiesa, , I shared two or three boys ( sibling) in a crowded room.

 

Now let see my kids. Each one of them has his own room, when they were in high school, we drop them in the morning and picked them in the afternoon. They never, even took the city transit bus, and when they come home, a nice , hot meal is waiting for them. In return what we ask is good manners, respect for their parents and other and good grades in school. Is that is too much to ask. We struggled a lot for them to have better future than us. They also have all the freedom and the independent thinking needed for them to decide for their future, but their are certain expectation. Because of the opportunity they have, they must do better than us. " wixii la galiyey waa in laga soo saaro.

 

Isn't that what every nation and family aspires: the next generation to do better than their parents.

 

In terms of marriage , here in North America, I have never seen a dad who worries about the finance or the wealth of the groom his Daughter will be marrying . All they want is a good person who will take care off them. Some times, they may even contribute financially for the wedding and other issues.

 

I know some of these children might face a a lot of outside pressure, but there is expectations, and that expectation can be modified by a loving parent without punishment. Sometimes, what counts is not about what they achieve or their education , but how caring and decent they are toward their family and others.

[Bluelicious]

<cite>

@xabad

said:</cite>

Good piece, Blue!

 

Some traits are too embedded in the human psyche to let go off. The Parenting style you describe is one such.

 

"

Your so and so, we have great expectations from you, caruurta kugu dayaneeysa, I was no 1 in my class when i was your age, we want you to be a great scholar, i am training you so that you can train your kids iwm

.

 

Tiresome and dispiriting drivel, they'r under genetic imperative so you can't even be mad at them.

 

Thanks Xabad, it's not my words I didn't write it.

 

<cite>

@OdaySomali

said:</cite>

What do you guys think about people who choose not to have kids?

 

I don't judge people who don't wanna have kids as I know they have their personal reasons as to why and everyone is entitled to their own personal choices. A person who wants no kids is much better in my eyes then one who has kids and is never there for them emotionally or physically and or treats them inhumanly. I never understood why some people force a person who wants no kids to have a kid

 

<cite>

@galbeedi

said:</cite>

I do not wish to interfere this kind of topics, but since it is of children, I would like to add few points. The case the sister is pointing out is probably an extreme case of control.

 

She pointed out about expectation of the parents and atoning their failures through their children. That is true. We would like them to avoid our past failures. If the parents want his children to pursue what he could not achieve for themselves or aspiring higher goals for their kids, we are guilty as charged. I was the first in my family to go to school. My dad did not had that chance. When I was in high school, I was studying with lamp (Faynuus) at night. Electricity was rare thing that can only probably found in Mogadishu or Hargiesa, , I shared two or three boys ( sibling) in a crowded room.

 

Now let see my kids. Each one of them has his own room, when they were in high school, we drop them in the morning and picked them in the afternoon. They never, even took the city transit bus, and when they come home, a nice , hot meal is waiting for them. In return what we ask is good manners, respect for their parents and other and good grades in school. Is that is too much to ask. We struggled a lot for them to have better future than us. They also have all the freedom and the independent thinking needed for them to decide for their future, but their are certain expectation. Because of the opportunity they have, they must do better than us. " wixii la galiyey waa in laga soo saaro.

 

Isn't that what every nation and family aspires: the next generation to do better than their parents.

 

In terms of marriage , here in North America, I have never seen a dad who worries about the finance or the wealth of the groom his Daughter will be marrying . All they want is a good person who will take care off them. Some times, they may even contribute financially for the wedding and other issues.

 

I know some of these children might face a a lot of outside pressure, but there is expectations, and that expectation can be modified by a loving parent without punishment. Sometimes, what counts is not about what they achieve or their education , but how caring and decent they are toward their family and others.

 

Thanks for your input. I agree with you nicely said. You understood the message.