Why we are not married yet?

[sarwarsame]

In two days ago, I was visiting my uncle house and I met my older cousin . After speaking about family issue and life, the topic of marriage came up. I started wondering about how many somali girls desired a husband but they still single. How we are in twenties or late thirties and reached highest level in education and still single . We all believe that we are on the verge of ‘settling’!

 

In an attempt to comfort me, my older cousin said, look at me, I am 50 and not married. I want what allah wants for me and will not settle for less. Although I have had many counterfeit men come into my life. My cousin then went ahead and started to rattle off about the men that had been potential suitors and what was wrong with them.

As she spoke, somethings that seemingly escaped her started to become clear to me. She was to blame for being single at 50.

 

Here are some of the things i realized about My cousin that kept her single.

 

Many women, like My cousin are looking for the perfect mate. They want someone who is going to complete them and be their everything! If this is you, then my question to you is this: If a man completes you and becomes your everything, then what position is Allah taking in your life? Allah is meant to be your everything. Allah says, "Say: 'If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight - are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious." (9:24)

So, to look for completeness in a man is to make that man an idol in your life, it is to have put man above Allah! This will only lead to ruin because no man is perfect! Try as he might, he will disappoint you! So stop looking for someone who will not disappoint you over the lifetime you wish to be married…you will not find it. Even you, yes you…have and still disappoint many people…whether you realize it or not…whether you meant it or not. Instead of looking for perfection, look for someone who is striving towards perfection. This is a person that loves Allah and does not want to be conformed to the world but whose life’s purpose is to be transformed into the image of Good Muslim.

As my mom says, Good woman can change bad man in way she treat him but good man cannot change bad woman.

 

My cousin saw herself as a princess, but she did not care to prince her man

 

There are many women who see themselves as awesome and incredible royalty. Many women say, I want to be treated like a princess! The issue is that they do not want their man to be a prince. They do not want to share any power or give up any control. Instead, they want their partners to take the position of a slave while treating them like a princess. The reason many women cannot let go of control is because of fear – perhaps due to not dealing with the hurts of past relationships. The moment the man does not give her the power she craves, she takes it as he not treating her like a princess and so searches for greener pastures. Conversely, many men see that while they are giving all they have, the woman is not following suit! Many women think that this is part of being pursued; many men simply see it as being disrespectful.

 

As a princess, you have to make sure you prince your man. Compliment him and let him know that you appreciate that he is being led by the King. Let go of the control. Taking a chance at love means you take a chance with your heart. This is because only the heart can feel love, not your head.

 

My cousin was way too picky

 

She did not want Allah to decide whom she should marry but decided on who she wanted to marry. In essence, she said: Allah, forget about who you desire for me, this is the person I want to marry…now make it happen! It was no longer Allah's will for her life but her will for her life!

 

But does Allah not want to give us the desires of our heart? Yes…as long as it glorifies Allah .You must believe right now that what Allah wants for you is better than what you could ever want for yourself in the long run. If he is not giving you your hearts desires, it may be because you are not ready to handle your heart’s desire. It may be because what you desire is not desirable! In fact, Allah says in Quran '...and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.' (Surah Baqarah: 216)

 

My cousin wanted husband but wanted to remain a Single

 

Do not be like Her ! Every potential suitor she met had some flaw that was fatal. One could not provide. Another could provide but was not attractive enough. A third was attractive and could provide but did not pay her enough attention. Yet, another paid her too much attention. She forgot that she was filled with flaws herself! She was so busy finding fault with everyone that she had no time to look at herself. She was so busy trying to find the speck in someone else’ life that she forgot that the log in her eyes was blinding her vision of the truth about herself. The truth that just like everyone else, she is imperfect and needs a savior as well!

 

My cousin could not understand why the one’s she thought were ‘perfect’ for her were not interested. perhaps it is because they are not willing to ‘settle’ either.

 

I thank Allah that he did not wait for us to be perfect but settled for us. He wants us to settle for nothing less than Himself. This means that we have to take the reins off our own lives and surrender completely to His will. It seemed that Khadijah (she was very rich and successful lady and known by the by-names Ameerat-Quraysh ("Princess of Quraysh"), al-Tahira ("The Pure One") and Khadija Al-Kubra (Khadija "the Great") settled for when she married our prophet Mohammad ( peace up on him) poor …but she became immortalized in history because of it. Are you willing to settle for Allah's best for you?

 

At end, We have the ability to change our life and have the things we want. It all starts with our self. We just have to truly want to change it. Stop focusing on what doesn’t work and start focusing on what does work.

 

 

[Bluelicious]

Great topic and one that would be beneficial to everyone. I agree with everything you said. I've seen many threads about people wanting to get married but never about why it didn't happen for them and how they themselves were the problem and thus holding themselves back.

 

The problem is self awareness, not everyone has it. You can't change or work on something you aren't aware of. My teacher used to say it takes extra intelligence to have self awareness, he was so right. It's also well known that self awareness is connected to high emotional intelligence and great leadership.

 

We as people tend to bring emotional baggage with us into every relationship we enter. Our emotional baggage such as past hurts, relationships, traumas etc not only hurts us but also other people and sabotages our relationships with other people. It's the main reason why marriages end up in divorce and friendships and relationships end. People who are verbally, emotionally and physically abusive are suffering due to their past and thus they carry that emotional baggage with them everywhere.

 

As for your cousin she's having a fear of intimacy, she's afraid of emotionally connecting with men and thus became emotionally unavailable and hence why she attracts emotionally unavailable men. You attract what you are. She needs to do some soul searching in to her past to find out the cause of her deeper lying issues.

 

There's no perfect person we all have imperfections, flaws and emotional baggage some more or less then others. We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. I respect a person who's got the courage to tell their weaknesses and strengths. Who's not afraid to tell how messed up and broken they are. Emery Allen put it beautifully.

 

You don't need another human being to make your life complete, but let's be honest. Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn't see them as disasters in your soul but cracks to put their love into is the most calming thing in this world. - Emery Allen

 

Personally I learned a lot since I embarked on this soul searching journey this year. It changed me and the way I look at things in situations, life and relationships.

 

I love and live by the following quotes:

 

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people but until you heal the wounds of your past you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex but eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them. - Iyanla Vanzant

 

You know that you've healed an issue when you can talk about it and you're not weeping, when you can speak to it and identify the lesson. You know that you've healed an issue when having gone through that has a benefit that you live today. - Iyanla Vanzant

 

Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not. - Paulo Coelho

 

As you beautifully put it, couldn't agree more with you on the following: At end, We have the ability to change our life and have the things we want. It all starts with our self. We just have to truly want to change it.

[gooni]

Girls should get marry early before they run out the time or shelf life, after forty we all know chances is too small, kids are gift from Allah incomparable master degree or PhD.

 

Ducada ugu fiican ilaahow awlaad saalaxa oo caafimaad qabta I sii odaygana xasuusi intuusan ku taaban inuu yiraahdo bismillah markuu daalka kasoo noqdana alxamdulilah.

 

[xabad]

^ Hahaa, I took a flight to Dubai and a faarax sitting next to me on the plane was giving the exact lecture to Yemeni/Kenyan lady who was studying for her PHD in Turkey. He kept waffling on about kids being a blessing and all, how time is running. it was funny and annoying at the same time.

 

Maybe your the same guy who was on the plane with me, who knows.

[gooni]

I wasn't that guy very shy to talk strangers and when I see beautiful lady, always look down or play with my phone.

 

Any way there is no any complaint in Africa we are all good you can get marry while you going grocery this is western phenomenon and we should careful

 

[xabad]

^ Good, its always best to lower one's gaze.

 

Even Africa is being westernized. The same norms you see in the Qurbaha are slowly making inroads here. Late marriages and fewer kids etc. Waxba waliba waa Global nowadays.

 

 

 

[Bluelicious]

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@gooni

said:</cite>

Girls should get marry early before they run out the time or shelf life, after forty we all know chances is too small, kids are gift from Allah incomparable master degree or PhD.

 

There's no end limit for getting married after reaching adulthood only mental barriers due to personal beliefs created by cultural norms. As for having kids they can freeze their eggs or get an ivf treatment or adopt based on individual wishes, just saying.

[gooni]

Absolutely can't say more, what is new for me nowadays Somalis adopting new culture very fast such as bed contract or feeding dead fish in the aquarium

 

My own views not necessarily need freezing eggs or ivf treatment, the reason I said that I don’t know what’ is, could happen medical error or forgotten ourselves roller coaster, again it could be easier than what I thought please share your knowledge if you can.

 

Muslims live sixty if they live longer 20+ 20+20=60 after sixty whatever extra you got that is overtime from Allah,i think getting marry earlier better than slicing overcooked potatoes at late time.

 

[Bluelicious]

Getting married young has it's problems when you're not mentally mature and ready. That explains why the divorce rate is high under youngsters. Even under adults who are in their 20s and 30s there are many who are mentally not mature and ready. Forcing them or advicing them to get married would be disastrous.

 

Personally I find your reasoning wrong and old fashioned since it's only based on physical readiness so they can have kids and don't care for the success of the marriage itself. The right formula is a combination of physical and mental readiness.

 

You could rephrase it better like the following: it's better to start mentally preparing teenagers and young adults early about marriage since they already physically ready.

 

Teaching them about their responbility and rights and that of their partners, what they can expect, how to treat each other etc. That will benefit them hugely and set them up for success since they know what to expect instead of throwing them in a marriage where they are clueless about.

[gooni]

I agree with you as usual, good and long lasting marriage needs lot of preparation physically morally and saving accounts that are western culture my dear.

 

They can have fun any time of ages, sun will rice for them after thirty or forty, if they willing to get kids they have to talk, go quiet noiseless place sea side or somewhere get peaceful mind, honey and sweet are couples name, if there is any disagreement regarding the kids, one of them should bring cat or dog as birth day gifts.

 

 

Our culture is totally different no need to scare a life(tawakal) get marry as soon as you feel fruit is ready don’t let fall no taste after falling, it is good to protect yourself, religion and culture, just make little arrangement with insha allah then make punch of kids they are love making machines.

 

[xabad]

^ Gooni, niyow stick to somali. Your english is a mess LOL waxaad qortay sayn iyo madax maleh

[gooni]

lool war waan ogahay inaanan meesha ingriis ku hayne mugdigaan u diidanahy gabdhaha wax fiican u sheeg yaanu bahalku kaa qaadane.

[xabad]

Write in Somali, its more eloquent and beautiful than this Af Qalaad we are forced to write by the dint of western ascendancy.

[Bluelicious]

<cite>

@gooni

said:</cite>

I agree with you as usual, good and long lasting marriage needs lot of preparation physically morally and saving accounts that are western culture my dear.

 

They can have fun any time of ages, sun will rice for them after thirty or forty, if they willing to get kids they have to talk, go quiet noiseless place sea side or somewhere get peaceful mind, honey and sweet are couples name, if there is any disagreement regarding the kids, one of them should bring cat or dog as birth day gifts.

 

 

Our culture is totally different no need to scare a life(tawakal) get marry as soon as you feel fruit is ready don’t let fall no taste after falling, it is good to protect yourself, religion and culture, just make little arrangement with insha allah then make punch of kids they are love making machines.

 

Agah, say what?! ?

 

Western and islamic guidelines support the same opinion as me hence why many sheikhs made islamic marriage lectures talking about the same thing I discussed with you. You're behind Gooni.

 

Your opinions are based on culture which isn't important. Religion is the most important thing in a persons life and one should follow it's guidelines.

 

Anybody who tries to say culture is important to them and it stands number one in their life does not differ much from a non believer.

 

Culture isn't a religion so i'm suprised and shocked by people like you who are strictly in their culture eventhough knowing there are many faults and innovations in cultures and passing it off to others as a religion they must follow.

 

Gooni atleast you're trying to write English with trial and error, well done don't give up you will get there one day inshallah. Practice makes perfect and English isn't my first language either it's my third.

 

[gooni]

Your right there is many fault our culture or you can say every culture but what I am trying to say westerns doesn't want kids anymore and they let immigrants do the job, why we following them? We don’t have to use same injection I guess

 

Thank you encouraging me and support my English class I wish am your neighbor lool.

 

Reer odweyne dhiiri gelin ma ogala iyo ingriiska lagu ciyaaro xaqbayna u leyihiin.