Does marriage depend soley on the wife?

[saafinuura]

Salam Aleykum, I m a new mother and working wife. Currently my duties are divided up taking care of our small children, cleaning the house, cooking for our family and also working outside the home.My question is this...to have a good happy marriage does it only depend on the whole weight being on the wife? Why is that in our Somali culture, if a man helps his wife around the home he is considered "Nacas".

 

Tell me please what makes marriage work? Is it the woman being a super woman and doing all the wifey duties without complaint? Is it wrong to ask your husband for help?

[Che -Guevara]

Forget the culture for a sec,

 

Does your husband realize you are struggling?

[galbeedi]

Of course, a family without selfless mother and wife will not succeed. The unconditional love they provide their children will never be matched by any father. on house hold chores , the best a good Somali husband could do is limited. Vacuum the house, some shopping and babysitting the children while you go out and relax with your Halimo sisters. laundry?, forget it.

 

The idea of men cooking for their wives is only in Hollywood movies. It is a fairy tale. I hate those fake men who boast about cooking. only wives could make the house neat and livable.

 

For twenty years I have been told " Waar shaadhka iyo Dharkan aad dhulka ku tuurayso meel fiican sudh". Sometimes I was even told " waar inta aadan wax cunin orod oo maydho",( take a shower before you eat food), I could go on.

 

On series note, the work outside home while raisin infants is what making things difficult. The biggest strain on marriages and couples is the early years. Most divorces that I have seen happens for the first five years, especially with children.

 

WE don't like to be awaken in the middle of the night by a crying baby, while trying to sleep few ours before early call. Usually it is the mother who absorb all that night duty. That is why she is not only super, but the most loved and respected in the whole family. On the other hand, seeing a careless husband might make some women fear for their future and push hard to affect change, which sometimes backfires.

 

Sister Saafinuura, The world have changed. For years, The feminists have told women that they can have both worlds. family life and good career. Well sisters, that is a lie. It is a difficult to balance, especially in the early years of child raising.

 

Without the wife , the whole house will be a place of dozen shoes and dirty cloths that lither the floor.. She is the center of all our lives.

 

 

teach him few things and give him duties he can handle. Leave the baby to him as much as possible to babysit and go to other sisters to relax and change the atmosphere. In our tradition, sisters enjoy chatting with other sisters to relax the mind. Finally have patience in the early years, things will work out themselves.

[gooni]

Oh my dear go another sister house and relax I think that both house will get more terrible

Best way to keep health and good family in my opinion is to pray and patience, everything will be ok.

 

[somalee]

No its not wrong to ask your husband for help. In fact you don't even need to ask, he should be there to help you. In case he doesn't realize his duties, please remind him in a polite way. Shouting at the husband, calling him names etc is not "asking" for help. I am 100% sure if you approach him with courtesy then sit down and reason with him well he is going to respond in a positive way and do what you want him to do. Marriage is simple and good unless somebody wants to complicate things.

 

[galbeedi]

Somalee, you probably are not married. Help have been asked already. In our Islamic tradition, when it comes to manipulation and plotting, even the devil himself will not match woman's mischief. Even research have shown that their instant thinking and quick response is better than men. . They already know the answers of their questions. Buddy marriage is beautiful and complicated.

 

Of course , we Somali men have a lot to improve, like waking in the park with the wife and other companionship issues. I hate shopping. Staring those supermarket shelves while she takes her time. Yes, we are a lot to improve, but no one can match our other strength.

 

No white convert, Arab, Pakistani or black African can even get closer. None of them will send money to her mother and other extended family. I am not talking about one month or even a year. How about ten years. We don't mind doing it.We consider it part of our family duties. We approach the whole thing like a life long companionship till death do us part. But Chores, it is our weakness, no debate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Dhagax-Tuur]

To the poster, I would say to you, keep your family unit together, come rain or shine.

I think he's a lucky bastard to have a sensitive woman like you and not be in tune with your discomfort in the relationship. Some of us have been dealt the shittiest hand possible, and are keeping the wheels of the family wagon rolling.

 

Guess, you ain't got a clue what you got until it's gone.

 

Geedi, has got the better talo than I am able to dispense, but those are my two cents. Furthermore, it's bs to expect one person to shoulder the damn workload in the house and it's not Somali culture or a Muslim culture for that matter. The best of men are those that help around the home..

[xabad]

@Saafinuura

said:

Salam Aleykum, I m a new mother and working wife. Currently my duties are divided up taking care of our small children, cleaning the house, cooking for our family and also working outside the home.My question is this...to have a good happy marriage does it only depend on the whole weight being on the wife? Why is that in our Somali culture, if a man helps his wife around the home he is considered "Nacas".

 

Tell me please what makes marriage work? Is it the woman being a super woman and doing all the wifey duties without complaint? Is it wrong to ask your husband for help?

 

The million dollar question is how many kids do you'all have ?

[xabad]

Saafinuura, walaal, my advice to you is visit your nearest family planning clinic and get informed on the different options you have regarding contraception. My hunch is you have more than 3 kids and your struggling to care of them. Haka sugin nin Soomaaliyeed inuu kaa caawiyo domestic chores and taking caring of the kids, forget it. For vast majority of Somali men, marriage is only about getting nookie. Your nothing more than a glorified maid to him; who presses his clothes, cooks his meals and cleans his house.

 

It will be the best decision you've ever made. Take charge of your life now, you don't want to end up an obese single mother with 9 or 10 kids on welfare in a few years. Ku quus qaado asaagaa.

 

Waa iga talo.

[Bluelicious]

No point of having kids with a man who aint helping you with the house chores, giving you time for yourself, helping you with the kids and generally being there for you when you need him. That's a unreliable selfish man who doesn't respect women. He's taking more then he's giving and you're out of balance because of that. You should be a team and there should be a balance between giving and taking.

 

Personally I can't live with a messy person who expects me to cook and clean for him and also depends on me for everything as if he's a lil child. It's his house too. No tolerance for that would kick him to the curb the first month. Obviously he needs a maid not me.

 

@Dhagax-Tuur

said:

To the poster, I would say to you, keep your family unit together, come rain or shine.

I think he's a lucky bastard to have a sensitive woman like you and not be in tune with your discomfort in the relationship. Some of us have been dealt the shittiest hand possible, and are keeping the wheels of the family wagon rolling.

 

Guess, you ain't got a clue what you got until it's gone.

 

Geedi, has got the better talo than I am able to dispense, but those are my two cents.

Furthermore, it's bs to expect one person to shoulder the damn workload in the house and it's not Somali culture or a Muslim culture for that matter. The best of men are those that help around the home..

 

@xabad

said:

Saafinuura, walaal, my advice to you is visit your nearest family planning clinic and get informed on the different options you have regarding contraception. My hunch is you have more than 3 kids and your struggling to care of them.

Haka sugin nin Soomaaliyeed inuu kaa caawiyo

domestic chores and taking caring of the kids, forget it. For vast majority of Somali men, marriage is only about getting nookie. Your nothing more than a glorified maid to him; who presses his clothes, cooks his meals and cleans his house.

 

It will be the best decision you've ever made. Take charge of your life now, you don't want to end up an obese single mother with 9 or 10 kids on welfare in a few years. Ku quus qaado asaagaa.

 

Waa iga talo.

 

Co-sign!

 

 

[saafinuura]

Salam Aleykum Brothers and sisters. Thank you guys for taking the time out to post your responses. I am sorry that I have not updated you ya'll. I was reading another post which is titled " Married the wrong man". The sister in that posts talks about how much the man whom she married loves her and does every sweet gesture possible. I was saying Masha Allah, just reading it. You see, when I got married, I got married to have family. My husband and I didnt really date. We talked for short period over the phone and ofcourse he told me everything I wanted to hear..lol.

 

Now are situation has took us further. We dont understand each other at all. I have tried writting to him to understand how I feel and how exhausted I feel.

 

I have came to the realization, that my husband and I want different things in life. He wants to still enjoy your life. He normally puts spending time with his friends first. Some weekend nights is spent with him going to Shisha spot or coming home late. Ofcourse, I have asked him to stop but he does not want to.

 

All that don't really matter. What matter is what I have come to realize. I realized we both love our children. I also realized that maybe my husband would be more involved with my kids if we didnt live together anymore. Like make time for them on some weekends, taking them to the park, keeping them over night.

 

I always wished to be married to a brother, who shows his caring ways, is gentle and actually sees when you are in distress or on in need of help. All men are not the same. I am sure my husband is great man and another woman would probably appriciate him just the way he is. I am not happy in this realationship. I am not looking for Megastar movie love story. All I really wished was for him to be considerate, to watch the kids, while I cook or I am cleaning. To sometimes take the kids to the park instead of always being me. I work full-time and I am full-time mother. Alhamdulilah, being mother has been the best gift Allah bestowed upon me. I am so greatful. Even though when I got married, I got married just to have family, I did started caring deeply for my husband and do love him. With his actions, I cant say the same thing. See, I think men are different, they would stay with a woman they dont love for the sake of their kids, maybe. I would not want that.

 

Therefore, I have came to the conclusion, while our kids are really small, less than 5 years old, it is best for us to separate. I have been thinking about this for about 9 months now. I want my husband to see to live free and to have the option to be part of his children's life. He can take them any weekend he wishes. Ofcourse, I have not asked him for this yet, but it has been in my mind for quite sometime. I have asked him many times to be more helpful around the home, he does it sometimes by taking the kids to bed...lol...his idea of help.

 

Anyways, sometimes truth is right in front of us. It is better to let things go instead of living in misery. I know alot of people who told him....just let things be........our mothers have dealt like that too. Well, I am not them. I want a marriage where both people respect each other, care for each other for the Sake of Allah and are kind to each other. I cant give you all and you dont do it the same or atleast try your very best.

 

Hope to hear from you guys.

 

Sincerely Sister Saafinuura

[Dahiro Iman]

On 4/28/2015 at 2:55 PM, galbeedi said:

Of course, a family without selfless mother and wife will not succeed. The unconditional love they provide their children will never be matched by any father. on house hold chores , the best a good Somali husband could do is limited. Vacuum the house, some shopping and babysitting the children while you go out and relax with your Halimo sisters. laundry?, forget it.

 

The idea of men cooking for their wives is only in Hollywood movies. It is a fairy tale. I hate those fake men who boast about cooking. only wives could make the house neat and livable.

 

For twenty years I have been told " Waar shaadhka iyo Dharkan aad dhulka ku tuurayso meel fiican sudh". Sometimes I was even told " waar inta aadan wax cunin orod oo maydho",( take a shower before you eat food), I could go on.

 

On series note, the work outside home while raisin infants is what making things difficult. The biggest strain on marriages and couples is the early years. Most divorces that I have seen happens for the first five years, especially with children.

 

WE don't like to be awaken in the middle of the night by a crying baby, while trying to sleep few ours before early call. Usually it is the mother who absorb all that night duty. That is why she is not only super, but the most loved and respected in the whole family. On the other hand, seeing a careless husband might make some women fear for their future and push hard to affect change, which sometimes backfires.

 

Sister Saafinuura, The world have changed. For years, The feminists have told women that they can have both worlds. family life and good career. Well sisters, that is a lie. It is a difficult to balance, especially in the early years of child raising.

 

Without the wife , the whole house will be a place of dozen shoes and dirty cloths that lither the floor.. She is the center of all our lives.

 

 

teach him few things and give him duties he can handle. Leave the baby to him as much as possible to babysit and go to other sisters to relax and change the atmosphere. In our tradition, sisters enjoy chatting with other sisters to relax the mind. Finally have patience in the early years, things will work out themselves.

the most truthful, honest, and understanding post I ever read.

[Dahiro Iman]

I am married for almost five years now, and I never expected him to help out around the house because I was more than happy to take all the responsibilities around the house and take care of our three little ones. I have seen him making the most delicious  soups when I get sick without asking him or expect him to do it for me. and whenever I need to go for walks (my favorite and relaxing thing to do) he never said he can't watch the kids while I am gone. of course I know him and his schedules the best and when he is able to stay him. it's all about asking him the right time with kindness. 

and in terms of working and being a month and wife is the hardest thing to do.  I am living it this year. and working outside will not change your role in the house. it's easier said than done,  but my advice for you as I adviced it myself

1. work outside as little as you can and as less days as you can ( if it's not possible for any reason my heart goes for you, and may Allah make it easier for you amiin.)

2. don't expect him to do anything for you around the house ( not because he doesn't care, but because it's not in his nature to do house chores)

3. be as happy as you can be because you are taking care of your house and no man can fill your shoes when it comes taking care of your home and family.

when you are happy with what you are doing for your family you won't see it as chores around the house.

and when you are generally not expecting anything in return and more than happy with your role, life is simpler and easier. 

and be as kind and as genuine as you can be with your family, because hard work is never gone unnoticed. you will touch those hearts around you,  or the least you will get rewards from Allah  (  and  that's the best award we should always expect.) Expect from Allah and not anyone else in this world.

[Libaax-Sankataabte]

Throwing your child's clothes in the washing machine or making a sandwich for yourself doesn't take that much effort. It is making canjeero that I would never be good at. However,  my cooking isn't that bad, and I contribute much of that to my university days. I became a warrior as I learned how to make baasto and suqaar very well. 

 

 

 

 

[Che -Guevara]

I can boil an egg and that's on a good day