Dowry Dhibaato

[Sheperd]

This is indeed a personal cry for help. I am in love with this girl, I have been with her for about a year and a half.

 

I have a stable job and she just graduated and working in retail. I would love to marry her and cannot imagine being with anyone else.

 

I have some money saved up, around 7k, and I have a job secured abroad where I have a house. Looks like I'm all set right? No.

 

My girlfriend has asked me for a dowry, a hefty 10k dowry and she also wishes to have a wedding. In Somali culture, the groom would normally have to pay for everything, this is the normal custom.

 

In my family, and within my friendship group, a dowry of 10k is unheard of and I would get ridiculed by family, and extended family, and my girlfriend behind closed doors would be labelled a gold digger and I would be labelled as a fool.

 

My family would not allow it and if I decided to be bold and allow my love for my girl to be resilient and decide to pay her that amount, the backlash I would receive from my family would be bad.

 

When I explained this to my girlfriend, she retaliated with the same reverse reason, she has two sisters that have been married for at least a 10k dowry, and her family would feel it unjust if her future husband did not prove he was capable of being fiscally responsible and willing to make the investment for her and his future family.

 

Now ultimately, she knows that I love her, I know she loves me, she knows that if I married her, I would take care of her and our future children, I believe it's her family pressuring her for high standards of this dowry, I explained to her that dowry is not her 'worth' because in my eyes she means everything to me, but my family are very religious and even whispering a 10k dowry would give them a heart attack.

 

I've said to her that realistically I can push to 5k, she has refused. I don't want to make her sound money hungry because I know her and she isn't, I genuinely believe that me and her do love each other but because of our huge love for our families we don't want to sacrifice their disappointment for our love.

 

We have ended things because of this, but I miss her and I don't know what to do, I could raise up the funds in about a year, but that would mean a year apart (as I'm working abroad) but should I have to do that?

[Sighnomore]

I know you love her, I imagined myself to be in love once (it was unrequited which was dandy seeing as he was wholly inappropriate) and know how that can be! But I think you need to let her go...If she loved you and wanted you above all, you could give her a ring pop or a piece of twine to wrap around her finger and she run with you to the masjid gladly! Let her have her splashy wedding for instagram. I'm sure you'll find someone with a little more substance and less feathers.

[ElPunto]

Anyone who puts a price tag on love/marriage is shallow and greedy. If that's who you want in your life then it's your choice.

[Khayr]

Leave her and run. With a family like hers, divorce would be inevitable in the foreseeable future.

Emotions are to be balanced with intelligence.

[galbeedi]

Young guns, hold your horses. Dowries are one of the fundamental rights Allah has given women clearly in the Quran. Even in the early years, Cumar B. Khadaab, Radiyallahu Canhu, tried to set a limit of the dowry women seek from men. At the mosque, A woman stood up and denuded that " how can you set a limit something Allah has explicitly stated in the Quran for women". Comar said " I made mistake she is correct". End of story.

 

In the modern times , mostly girls or families who came from the gulf countries usually demand large sum of money or expensive jewelleries for dowry. They are probably asking this for future financial security or cultural reasons.

 

Having said that, some times, there is a method to the madness. In your case, I think things are not as bad as you may think. If she is willing to discuss the dowry gift before her hand was given to you, there is a good news. Ask her the main reason she is asking this huge amount. People who love one another could resolve this issues easily. Do not be discouraged, find out the reason behind this. " Malaha waa hadh Xidhaale".

 

When I was asking the hand of my wife, me the Sheikh and few people on my side went to the house of my future wife for the lawful engagement ( Meher). When we discussed about the dowry, she told me take one thousand dollars and A Quran Kitaab to the local mosque. It was easy. Then suddenly things changed.

 

Her family wanted someone else to marry her. Although latter , that person ended up with a lot of mess in his later life. Ant way, I suddenly showed up and stole her heart. We were in love and no one can stop that. When the Sheikh asked the Guardian ( who was her uncle), how much is the dowry ?, He raised up stares to ask the girl who were sitting there with other female friends and family. When he asked , She said The Kitaab and one thousand,. He said " that is not much, and he put words in her mouth and said " why not say five thousand". Adeer Candaaan Joognaaye shan kun Miyaad iska dhahdid". She said okay. When he came back he said "five thousand". I was little bit surprised, but since he didn't probably liked me , I assumed that he pressured her.

 

Any way, it is not necessary to pay the dowry immediately unless there is a divorce. I already paid half my dowry debt about ten years ago with Jewellery and I didn't decided yet when I will pay the rest. The moral of the story is that there is always something about women that may surprise you. Also, it is well known that Somali family members especially women, Sometimes aren't interested about the future of the person who they preparing his/her marriage. Lately, we have seen mothers breaking families for extravagant weddings. How can a family that starts life with $20,000 dollars of debt will build their future.

 

Reason with her , explain her that you are building a future together that is bigger than money. good luck.

 

 

[Che -Guevara]

Tell her to think about the day after the wedding, does she want to start a new life with debt?

 

That said, be sensitive what she says, many times she is being pressured by female relatives.

 

One last advice, if you end up getting married, don't be shy to discuss finance. It's important couples understand each when it comes to finance.

 

Good luck!

 

 

[Holac]

This is rather strange and uncommon in the Somali community. I would question more and find out what is driving this demand. Are the parents having real doubts about your commitment as a future husband of their daughter?

[maakhiri1]

Xidigaha ku MEHERI ma maqashey? If you love this girl, 10K is nothing mate, having a beutiful family, with kids you love , that can come off these is worth 100 times more,

 

Bakhayl weeye nin MEHER ka werweri, work hard, take loan , ask for donation, 10K is nothing, if she is worth.

 

Mida kale xagee geeyn? It is for the family, Just insurance policy.