Nefertiti Posted May 7, 2003 Dirty Jokes One day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up to the nun and said I want to fu** you. No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you. The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him. at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he put on his mask and said I am god fu** me. the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they got it on for hours. when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha" I'm the hippy the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's two farmers on a farm, and they just got a new animal. One farmers outside, and one is inside. The one outside comes in with a big cup of white liquid. He takes a big drink of it and excitedly says, I just milked the new cow. Then other farmer, with a troubled look on his face says, we didn't get a new cow, we got a new bull! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect.... 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?" He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons. The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards! Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
J.Lee Posted May 8, 2003 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning." He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." lool Balaayo those had me rolling but this one killed me "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth." Istaaqfurulah :eek: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nefertiti Posted May 8, 2003 To MsWord, glad you enjoyed it sis. I had to share my laughter and what a betta place to do it than this site...lol... ~QoxootiMammi~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shyhem Posted May 10, 2003 Originally posted by QoxootiMammi: 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. lool thats so true,most guys will rather play video game than just sit there with the lady,I guess men just care about the moment. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
