Things you learn at the movies

[underdog]

1. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

2. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

3. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a Stadium.

4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

5. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

6. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

7. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

8. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

9. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

10. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

11. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

12. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

14. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

15. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

16. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

17. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

18. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

19. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

20. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

21. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

22. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

23. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

24. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

25. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

26. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

27. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

28. Most dogs are immortal.

29. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

30. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

31. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

32. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

33. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

34. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

36. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

37. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

38. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

39. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

40. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

41. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

42. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

43. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

44. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.