Would you marry a divorcee?

[DoctorKenney]

Safferz;986512 wrote:

That's quite the pessimistic outlook on our men. That hasn't been my experience so I don't agree with you, and I know enough stand-up guys to prove your generalization false. Besides, a man who is serious enough to discuss marriage with me but refuses to be open about his divorce is a huge red-flag for trouble and an indication NOT to marry him. On to the next...

Maybe he's indicating that you should get the other side of the story (the wife's side) and you should also ask neutral sources about this man, what's his character, is he an upstanding individual, etc.

 

Background checks are crucial

[Miyir]

im not the marrying type, your cousin is either from big foot or north (start from L.A) these somali guys are too conservative to my knowledge or stuck 18 century baadiye.(look above) the world changed, relax nothing lasts forever enjoy the jacayl:cool: we should be discussing something uplifting about the new lovers and wishing many happy days:cool:

[Safferz]

DoctorKenney;986522 wrote:

LOL But being a step-dad and step-mom are completely different. The kid will never be truly attached to his step-mother the way he's attached to his real mother. But when it comes to step-dads, then it doesn't matter. I've seen a dozen examples of step-fathers raising children, and the kids actually look at him as their real Dad

It's the same... what shapes the relationship between stepparent and stepchild are the circumstances and context, there's nothing inherently closer about a stepfather's relationship with his stepkids than a stepmother's. Factors like how old the children are when the stepparent enters their lives, whether they live in the same household with the stepparent, how involved the parent that does not live with the child is in the child's life, how the stepparent treats the children, etc are what determines how kids respond to their new stepparent. I think you're completely right in cases where a woman remarries with young children, and the father is not so involved so the stepdad takes on the father's role, but that's not always the case. A stepparent will never replace a biological parent unless the parent is not a part of the child's life, it's just a completely different relationship. Your cousin should be aware of this, too... trying to 'replace' the ex-husband when it comes to his children and be the 'real dad' can cause resentment and tension between the three parents, but aiming to be the best stepfather possible is important.

 

Re: thefutureisnow, I understood his posts not so much as suggesting background checks/independent verification of a person's character, but explicitly saying men do not owe explanation of their past to a potential spouse. The comments on "not showing your hand" and a spouse as an enemy were quite strange and hopefully his viewpoint represents a minority of how Somali men see relationships.

 

Good luck to your cousin DoctorKenney, he sounds quite mature and has clearly thought this through carefully. I hope the rest of the family will come around soon and respect his decision, she will soon be a part of the family too.

[Safferz]

Miyir;986540 wrote:

im not the marrying type, your cousin is either from big foot or north (start from L.A) these somali guys are too conservative to my knowledge or stuck 18 century baadiye.(look above) the world changed, relax nothing lasts forever enjoy the jacayl:cool: we should be discussing something uplifting about the new lovers and wishing many happy days:cool:

lol true, northerners are much more conservative when it comes to marriage and sexuality, almost Victorian in their attitudes It's definitely not baadiye though, reer miyi tend to be more open than us city folk. One of my uncles married an older, divorced woman (who did not have children from her first marriage) when he was a young man, and to this day I suspect that's why my relatives dislike her. There are many similar stories in my extended family, and the taboo is always with divorced women rather than divorced men, with much of the disapproval coming from the women of the family. I hope DK's relatives let it go once the engagement/marriage proceeds, because it can create a hostile environment for the new wife and her children, and bitter inlaws can ruin otherwise good relationships.

[thefuturenow]

Safferz;986552 wrote:

Re: thefutureisnow, I understood his posts not so much as suggesting background checks/independent verification of a person's character, but explicitly saying men do not owe explanation of their past to a potential spouse. The comments on "not showing your hand" and a spouse as an enemy were quite strange and hopefully his viewpoint represents a minority of how Somali men see relationships.

 

It is a minority viewpoint within the unmarried population.

[DoctorKenney]

Safferz;986552 wrote:

It's the same... what shapes the relationship between stepparent and stepchild are the circumstances and context, there's nothing inherently closer about a stepfather's relationship with his stepkids than a stepmother's. Factors like how old the children are when the stepparent enters their lives, whether they live in the same household with the stepparent, how involved the parent that does not live with the child is in the child's life, how the stepparent treats the children, etc are what determines how kids respond to their new stepparent. I think you're completely right in cases where a woman remarries with young children, and the father is not so involved so the stepdad takes on the father's role, but that's not always the case. A stepparent will never replace a biological parent unless the parent is not a part of the child's life, it's just a completely different relationship. Your cousin should be aware of this, too... trying to 'replace' the ex-husband when it comes to his children and be the 'real dad' can cause resentment and tension between the three parents, but aiming to be the best stepfather possible is important.

 

Re: thefutureisnow, I understood his posts not so much as suggesting background checks/independent verification of a person's character, but explicitly saying men do not owe explanation of their past to a potential spouse. The comments on "not showing your hand" and a spouse as an enemy were quite strange and hopefully his viewpoint represents a minority of how Somali men see relationships.

 

Good luck to your cousin DoctorKenney, he sounds quite mature and has clearly thought this through carefully. I hope the rest of the family will come around soon and respect his decision, she will soon be a part of the family too.

Well the reason why it'll be not so tricky for my cousin to take on the role as the "Father" of these 2 young children is because the actual biological father is non-existent in their lives. He plays no role. He---like so many other Somali men---decided that it was more important that he moves to another city, find a new woman, and start a new life. He actually has no guilt that he has 2 biological kids waiting for him in America. And this is all too common in our community. It's easy for a man to pack his bags and start all over, but near impossible for a woman. Because she's left with the 2 kids, not him. He might as well pretend that he has no children at all.

 

But really, being a step-dad to them is not too tricky especially since the 2 kids are both extremely young. I doubt they even have the ability to read yet! But being a step-mom on the other hand....is much different. Unless the biological mom is dead or plays zero role in her kids lives (which is bizarre and almost never happens), then you would have to take a back-seat in the upbringing of this child. Kids naturally have a different relationship with their "father" then their "mother"

 

InshaAllah they do respect his decision, and it looks to me that he's gonna go through with it. And I have no doubt that she'll charm the family and win them over as allies, sooner or later

[Hawdian]

Good luck wth that one . As as they are happy why not . Somalidu waxey tirada ninka guursada hoyada waa adeerka .

[Nin-Yaaban]

Nothing wrong with marrying them, even with kids. But I'd also have my own kids.

 

This type of marriage is very common in our culture. Miyiidan maqlin 'Isku Hooyaa nahay, oo isku Aabe manihin'?

[Ambassador]

People are way too picky these days. What's wrong with divorced women or men for that matter?

[Kool_Kat]

She's 27, divorced with two kids! I can see how that might make the family raise an eyebrow or two. With that said, waxaa iga dagi la' 28 year old man whose never been in a relationship!

[SJ]

^ ina abti, iyadu ku bilaabin , haduu yarku isdaba qabane lol.

 

Garoobka iyo Doobka faataxada ha loo maro.

[burahadeer]

Love divorced women,they have aura of sweetness and nice spongy meat,mymymy.

[DoctorKenney]

Kool_Kat;990621 wrote:

She's 27, divorced with two kids! I can see how that might make the family raise an eyebrow or two. With that said, waxaa iga dagi la' 28 year old man whose never been in a relationship!

LOL It's not uncommon here in North America to find a 28 year old Somali man/woman who's never been in a relationship. Many Somalis are like that actually.

 

Sure, some of them might have messed around a few times in their youth, but they've never been in an actual, concrete relationship. And the ones who are religious (and my cousin is religious) often never get into one until it's time for marriage.

 

And I've noticed that a lot of Somalis tend to be in relationships when they're 18, 19 or 20 years old. But as they get older, most of them become single throughout their mid-twenties. I see a LOT of single men and women who are 23-27 years old. It's a strange pattern that I've noticed.

[Raamsade]

No self-respecting man should settle for used goods especially when there are so many women that have never been broken into. And why would you raise another man's kids? That's committing genetic suicide. Besides, even if you think you found an exceptional divorcee, nearly impossible but I'll entertain the idea for argument's sake, you'll have untrain all the bad habits her previous owner taught her. Maxaa ku dhacay ragannimodii raga Somalida lagu yaqaaney?

[Guje]

Raamsade;991004 wrote:

No self-respecting man should settle for used goods especially when there are

so many women that have never been broken into

. And why would you raise another man's kids? That's committing genetic suicide. Besides, even if you think you found an exceptional divorcee, nearly impossible but I'll entertain the idea for argument's sake, you'll have untrain all the bad habits her previous owner taught her. Maxaa ku dhacay ragannimodii raga Somalida lagu yaqaaney?

Disgusting, war waa maxay breaking in iyo waxyaale kale aad sheegeysid. xishoodkii somali lagu yaqaani aaway.