Would you marry a divorcee?

[DoctorKenney]

I agree, the whole situation is even disturbing to think about. But when it comes to marriage, everyone has an opinion on who they want their friend/relative to marry. As if the marriage would affect them in any way

[spartacus]

seems you cousin he cares too much what other people say, why he cares for what they say, if he sees it's good to move with it then he should not even listen to anyone. he is the one who is making decision to his life not others. better hurry up otherwise he will be wadkii dhale;)

[DoctorKenney]

Lol. We are Somali. Like it or not, people will get involved in your family life.

 

But I told my cousin my side of the argument. I told him that I think its a fantastic idea. Whether he's actually gonna follow through with this is a different story

 

And I would the same if I was in his position. I just hope he's as flexible as I am.

[Haatu]

In all seriousness though, Apophis hit the nail on the head although a poor choice of words.

[AfricaOwn]

I couldn't do it, and especially not if she has kids.

[DoctorKenney]

^^ Thats totally cool Africaown. Every man is different and everyone has their own capabilities.

 

If you can handle it, then I will commend you for it. And if you can't handle it, then thats fine too.

 

I'm not saying its easy. And our community definitely needs more people who have the patience and good character to marry divorcees/widows and raise her kids.

[AfricaOwn]

^^ It also depends on the age I think. An older man (40+) who has been married before as well is a better fit.

[DoctorKenney]

AfricaOwn;986414 wrote:

^^ It also depends on the age I think. An older man (40+) who has been married before as well is a better fit.

That's definitely true, but it also depends on the age limit. I've seen young Somali women getting divorced at the age of 25 (after only 1 year of marriage, sometimes less)

 

It's ridiculous to assume that these young women are gonna stay single for the rest of their lives. And it's only appropriate that they remarry a man who's close to their age. The amount of 20-something year old divorcees in the Somali community is staggering. It's way too high

[Safferz]

DoctorKenney;986269 wrote:

I agree, the whole situation is even disturbing to think about. But when it comes to marriage, everyone has an opinion on who they want their friend/relative to marry. As if the marriage would affect them in any way

Is there more to their objections, or are they fixed on the idea that she's been divorced and that your cousin absolutely must marry a woman who has never been married before? Sometimes people who have never been in relationships before can be naive about relationships/marriage, so make sure that your cousin fully understands what he's getting into and how things will be once the initial excitement and infatuation wears off. Children complicate the situation further because there will always be an ex in the picture, as he and his ex-wife are co-parents for life.

 

Personally I'm open to marrying a divorced man, but I would want to have long, honest discussions about the circumstances of the divorce, why his previous relationship failed and why he feels this one will be different. Sometimes two people just can't make it work together and it happens, but other times there are men and women with real, personal and personality issues that make it difficult to continue a relationship with them, so I would have to be certain it's not the latter. I'm not so sure about children because at this point in my life I don't want to be a parent, but I wouldn't be opposed to being a stepparent in the future. You get kids without the inconvenience of pregnancy, labour and stretchmarks dee

[thefuturenow]

Safferz;986484 wrote:

Personally I'm open to marrying a divorced man, but I would want to have long, honest discussions about the circumstances of the divorce, why his previous relationship failed and why he feels this one will be different.

lol

[Safferz]

thefuturenow;986503 wrote:

lol

Hee? It wouldn't be very smart to marry someone who has been divorced without having that conversation first.

[thefuturenow]

Safferz;986507 wrote:

Hee? It wouldn't be very smart to marry someone who has been divorced without having that conversation first.

 

A long AND honest conversation. . .about the circumstances of a previous relationship? Your expectations of men are too high. Of Somali men, astronomical.

[Safferz]

thefuturenow;986509 wrote:

A long

AND

honest conversation. . .about the circumstances of a

previous

relationship? Your expectations of men are too high. Of Somali men, astronomical.

That's quite the pessimistic outlook on our men. That hasn't been my experience so I don't agree with you, and I know enough stand-up guys to prove your generalization false. Besides, a man who is serious enough to discuss marriage with me but refuses to be open about his divorce is a huge red-flag for trouble and an indication NOT to marry him. On to the next...

[thefuturenow]

Safferz;986512 wrote:

That's quite the pessimistic outlook on our men. That hasn't been my experience so I don't agree with you, and I know enough stand-up guys to prove your generalization false. Besides, a man who is serious enough to discuss marriage with me but refuses to be open about his divorce is a huge red-flag for trouble and an indication NOT to marry him. On to the next...

In a parallel world they say that "guurku waa lagdan. Qofkii marka horre laga kormaro ayaa lagu fadhin abadan." Honest talk of previous relationships, they call that "showing your hand." You might as well fold at that point because you have just handed over heavy ammunition to your future enemy. 'Tis a fun world, ain't it?

[DoctorKenney]

Safferz;986484 wrote:

Is there more to their objections, or are they fixed on the idea that she's been divorced and that your cousin absolutely must marry a woman who has never been married before? Sometimes people who have never been in relationships before can be naive about relationships/marriage, so make sure that your cousin fully understands what he's getting into and how things will be once the initial excitement and infatuation wears off. Children complicate the situation further because there will always be an ex in the picture, as he and his ex-wife are co-parents for life.

 

Personally I'm open to marrying a divorced man, but I would want to have long, honest discussions about the circumstances of the divorce, why his previous relationship failed and why he feels this one will be different. Sometimes two people just can't make it work together and it happens, but other times there are men and women with real, personal and personality issues that make it difficult to continue a relationship with them, so I would have to be certain it's not the latter. I'm not so sure about children because at this point in my life I don't want to be a parent, but I wouldn't be opposed to being a stepparent in the future. You get kids without the inconvenience of pregnancy, labour and stretchmarks dee

Well they have nothing against the character of this woman, as she's an all-around amazing person. But they dislike the idea that she's far more experienced than he is. They feel as if it's unfair. My cousin's never had a serious relationship, while this woman has been in an actual marriage before. And they say that it only makes sense to marry a woman who's on the same level as him.

 

Well, he totally understands, I explained to him that not only would he marrying a woman, but he will be simultaneously adopting her two children as well. They go hand-in-hand. He see's this woman as an ideal wife because she already has experience when it comes to raising a family, she's far more mature now, she's still beautiful, and that she's totally capable of giving birth again to more children. And not only that, she'll be more motivated to keep the marriage strong, as she definitely wouldn't wanna be divorced twice.

 

LOL But being a step-dad and step-mom are completely different. The kid will never be truly attached to his step-mother the way he's attached to his real mother. But when it comes to step-dads, then it doesn't matter. I've seen a dozen examples of step-fathers raising children, and the kids actually look at him as their real Dad