Jokes

[SomaliaOnline-President]

ARRRGHHH!!!! I am bored. Here is some of the jokes i've been reading for the last couple of mins.

 

__________________________________________________

 

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

 

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

 

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

 

"I'll leave that up to you."

 

"Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first."

 

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

 

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

 

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

 

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

 

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

 

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

 

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

 

_________________________________________________

FINAL JUDGEMENT

 

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line

of judgment.

 

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right

through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to

Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of

hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one

side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the

fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked

Satan what he was doing.

 

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for

judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those

people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the

others?" "Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle,

they're too wet to burn."

 

__________________________________________________

PASSWORD TO HEAVEN

 

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through

the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were

her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died

before her.

 

They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello" "How are you!

 

We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

 

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a Wonderful

place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told

her.

 

"Which word?" the woman asked.

 

"Love."

 

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

 

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch

the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates

of Heaven, her husband arrived.

 

"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

 

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and

bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.

We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my

head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

 

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

 

"Which word?" her husband asked.

 

"Czechoslovakia."

 

__________________________________________________

In The Beginning

 

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

 

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

 

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

 

And God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

 

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

 

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

 

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

 

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

 

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPNand ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

 

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

 

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

 

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

 

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

 

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.

 

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement.

 

It didn't help her, either.

[SomaliaOnline-President]

Here is some more----can't get enuff.

 

The Atheist

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the

"accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful

rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes

behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and

saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so

scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder

again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as

he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He

rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him

raising his paw to kill him.

 

At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped.

The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving.

 

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying,

"You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist and

even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you expect me to

help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The atheist, ever prideful, looked into the light and said "it would be

rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but

could you make the bear a Christian?"

 

"Very well", said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the

sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down.

 

The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord I

thank you for this food which I am about to receive.

 

__________________________________________________

GOD THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER

 

You know, many important theological questions are answered,

if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:

 

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?

A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious

to step through all those variables.

 

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

 

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically

and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things

can wait until tomorrow.

 

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy

bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend

had left him.

 

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the

maintenance phase.

 

Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he

actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of

him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

 

Q: What is the role of sinners?

A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up

the system when God has made it ***** -proof.

 

Q: Where will I go after I die?

A: Onto a DAT tape.

 

Q: Will I be reincarnated?

A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching

those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,

God will just say that the tape has been lost.

 

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?

A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running

exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

 

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?

A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then

the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto

it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

 

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off

his back and let him program.

 

Q: What is the one true religion?

A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the

one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

 

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common

word, or a date like your birthday.

 

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email.

[nuune]

waraa walwareeraati aaba laga qadaayaa waxaad soo qortay,laakiin funny that bill gate deciding going to hell!!

 

i really like the last bit,... the computer programmer

[SomaliaOnline-President]

funny that bill gate deicding going to hell!!

Contagious aint it?!?! Here is more of it.

 

__________________________________________________

LOST IN THE DESERT

 

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2

weeks.

 

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls

up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

 

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

 

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest

town.

 

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the

house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back

when I reach the town?"

 

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.

You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

 

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

 

So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts

walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts

trotting.

 

Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank

God, Thank God" and the horse just literally takes off.

 

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can

to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

 

Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!"

 

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

 

The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

 

__________________________________________________

This might offend some people----but who cares, we're easily enttertained.

 

THE BETTER PROGRAMMER

 

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer.

 

This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God

as the judge.

 

They sat at their computers and began.

 

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the

screen.

 

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck,

taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and

God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he

had come up with.

 

Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when

the power went out."

 

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

 

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display,

the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

 

Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything,

yet Jesus's program is intact! How did he do it?"

 

God chuckled, "Jesus saves"

[SomaliaOnline-President]

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

Moses comes down from Mount Sinai after a long day of negotiating with God.

 

He looks very tired, but the Israelites are very anxious to hear what he

has to say.

 

He says, "I have some good news and some bad news...

 

The good news is that I got him down to only ten commandments.

 

The bad news is that he wouldn't budge on the adultery issue.

 

__________________________________________________

SATAN

 

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were

sitting in their pews and talking.

 

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

 

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling

each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who

sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that

God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 

Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

 

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

 

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

 

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY

for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

 

"Yep," was the calm reply.

 

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

 

"Nope."

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of

me?"

 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

__________________________________________________

The Physics Of Hell

 

This is an actual question on a University of Washington physics

mid-term exam:

 

"IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (gives off heat) OR ENDOTHERMIC

(absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's

Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or

some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate

they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes

to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many

souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in

the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a

member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one

of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one

religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and

death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to

increase exponentially.

 

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because

Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to

stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

 

(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breaks loose.

 

(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase

of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell

freezes over.

 

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms

Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, 'That it will be a cold day in Hell

before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I still have not

succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic."

 

The student got the only A.

[Medley of extemporanea]

This is trash.

[Curly]

lol...them joeks where funny but have a gander at this one:

 

------------------------------------

converstaion with god

 

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

 

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

 

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

 

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

 

"So you could love her, my son."

 

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

 

"So you could love her, my son."

 

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

 

"So she could love you, my son."

[N.O.R.F]

Mulla omar gives the victory sign to osama who says "do u mean we have won brotha omar?", mullah omer replies no u ******* ***** there are only 2 of us left!

 

Pakistani man on his death bed:

maria, my wfe are u here? Yes my husband

my son, my daughter are you here? yes pappa

Then who is at the fuc*ing shop?

 

What do u call a pakistani in a microwave?

Bad-DING