RELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS

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RELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS

 

Attainment of Nirvana Still Goal, But Not So Important

That You Should Miss Cousin Vijay's Bar Mitzvah

 

New Delhi, India (SatireWire.com) — Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.

 

"On paper, this was a textbook alliance — two smaller competitors join forces to take on a larger adversary," said New Delhi resident Chandra Gopan. "But the synergies are just not there. For instance, I still believe I must pursue my own dharmic path to ultimate happiness, but when I get there, I just know my mother will find something wrong with it."

 

 

Military officers, in particular, have found assimilation difficult. "We were all excited at first, especially about the Kama Sutra parts, but it's not going to work," Israeli Col. Benyamin Telluk said at a joint press conference with Indian officers. "I mean, just this morning, I was showing Col. Bhadrak here pictures of my family, and he said my wife was a cow."

 

"I said his wife reminds me of a cow," Bhadrak explained.

 

"Oh, you've said it again!" screamed Telluk.

 

"It's a compliment!" answered Bhadrak.

 

Hinjews across the world, meanwhile, said they also were too busy dealing with integration to worry about Pakistanis, Palestinians, or any other opponents.

 

"Surprisingly, it's not the big issues, like is there one God or are there many? It's the little things," said New York City Hinjew Nathan Feldman. "Like my Hindu half acknowledges that this world is full of suffering, but my Jewish half just goes on and on about it."

 

SO, WHAT'S WRONG WITH A NICE HINJEW GIRL?

 

However, most agreed that even if other issues could be overcome, maternal obstacles to Hinjuism would always exist.

 

"Yesterday, my former self was killed in a car accident," said the late Gori Bhupendra of Madras. "But I had good karma, so I was reincarnated this morning into the Vaisya caste. To me, this is a step up, right?"

 

But then Bhupendra's former Sudras mother tracked him down.

 

"She says, 'Oh, Vaisya now, is it? Very nice. Of course, your former brother is a Ksatriya, but he was always an overachiever.'"

 

Meanwhile, Muslim nations, citing the difficult Hinjew merger, said they have discontinued talks with the world's largest religion to form Chrislam.

 

"It wouldn't have worked anyway," said Imam Satra Mohammed of Damascus. "The first time we drank the communion wine, we would have all had to kill ourselves

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AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC

Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

 

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

 

 

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

 

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

 

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

 

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

 

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

 

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

 

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

 

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

 

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

 

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

 

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

 

 

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

 

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

 

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

 

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

 

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."