Tillamook Posted October 2, 2012 Greetings and felicitations to the loyal SOL gallery, we have a special treat in store for you today. SOL's very own undercover reporter Monsieur Tillamook has been sent to the most exclusive fadhikudirir joint in town to take an in-depth look into the goings-on of these shallow houses of vacuousness and ill-information. Tillamook did request hazard pay for this assignment, but we at Somaliaonline spare no expense at bringing our esteemed readership what they want to know. We now go live via satellite to Tillamook who is secretly recording a conversation that is taking place as we speak.... * * * * * * Abtigiis: Of course, KISMAYU belongs to us! Gabbal: Don't you ever get tired of saying that? Abtigiis: This time its different! We have sought the aid of our Kenyan brothers! Gabbal: It's so unfair that we keep having to take these threats just because you guys don't have the balls to achieve your goals. Abtigiis: THAT CONDESCENDING KACAAN ATTITUDE OF YOURS REALLY PISSES ME OFF! Gabbal: And that convoluted thought process of yours vis-à-vis Kismayu pisses me off, good bye doqonyahow! Gabbal casually gets up and makes eye contact with another frequent guest to the house called Mooge who is seated at adjacent table, pointing a strangely distorted talon-like finger, and shouts, "Your boy has lost it, Mooge!". Gabbal laughs and walks out of the Restaurant/Marfish/Sports Bar. Mooge saunters over to where Abtigiis was seated in his favorite local watering hole or as he keenly refers to as the Fadhikudirir HQ: Mooge: Lemme guess; you two losers were arguing over who Kismayu belongs to again, right? You know, you shouldn't do that because it belongs neither one of you and you're just going to regret it. You guys were never the sharpest tools in the shed anyway, but c'mon for God's sake. Why beef over Kismayu when the whole wide world knows it belongs to us! Besides, wasn't our agreement that you guys take the bushes while we reign of the city? Abtigiis: Save your breath. I was just frustrated by that buffoons condescending attitude towards our claims over the Jubbooyinka in general, and Kismayu in Particular. Mooge: Oh sure, our cousins pretend to share the same fearless daring gene that runs in the blood of my family, but little good did that do for them during the Afweeyne days, and it sure as hell won't do them any good now. But that's beside the point. You shouldn't let the nonchalant manner with which he dismisses our claims get to you. Ultimately they are scared shitless. Have you ever been to Gedo? Saaxiib, Mudug and Bari will seem like the Gardens of Eden. Abtigiis: Comrade, the NFD and the Og'den region aren't the Hanging Gardens of Babylon either! Mooge: WHAT! WHAT! What's this claptrap about "Comrade"? Has that wannabe Socialist brainwashed you again like Jalle Siyaad did in the 70s and 80s, huh, HAS HE? Abtiigiis: No, it was merely a little slip of the tongue. I can't stand those Kacaan heathens. Mooge: Good! Getting back to my point. You need to work on your own indha-Adeyg. I won't lie to you, Abtigiis, it takes much training to be Bold, to hone your insolent heedlessness of restraints, in short, to be blind to ALL reason, prudence, propriety, or convention. Only, practicing these skills on your Hargaysa maids won't do you any good. You need to surround yourself with the true masters of the art(*points finger at himself*). That's the only way you can learn...about your strengths and weaknesses. Someday, you're going to talk down to Gabbal&CO and make them feel like sh!t and show those Kacaan vagabonds who's really running the show in Jubbooyinka. See, it's all about attitude, but you if don't work for it, you wont' get it... Abtigiis: Do you seriously think we stand a chance against the "Revolution" clan in the Jubbooyin? Mooge: SILLY MAN! It's such defeatist thinking that has led your lot to be pathetically pushed around wherever you go. On one side you have the Amxaara kicking your butts, in Kenya you wash Kikuyu butts, and now in Somalia you guys can't even defend the little you have from a puny bunch of has-beens! Abtigiis: Ok, fine. I will need to grow some testes...or something. God Knows I need 'em! Mooge: That's the spirit! *waves for the waiter*....You will have the usual right? Abtigiis: *With big grin on his face* YES, indeed! The Elixir of Life itself. Waiter comes to table to take order... Mooge: Waryaa, waxaad ii keentaa koob shaah rinnji-ah. Ninkaan halkaan fadhiyanah, waxaad u keentaa aargalaan caanoboore-ah, fahamtu? Waiter nods head and walks back to counter... TO BE CONTINUED.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wyre Posted October 2, 2012 Lol i was thinking of starting a thread with fadhi ku dirir, but i couldn't do better than this i am laughing out loud :D Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tillamook Posted October 3, 2012 ^ I am glad you are. I believe we Somalis are slowly perfecting this thing into an art form. In the not too distant future , fadhikudurirnimo will be practiced like the way the Japanese celebrate their ancient Tea ceremonies:) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tillamook Posted October 3, 2012 ^ What are you on about? With the imminent defeat of Al Shabab in Kismayu, the Fadhikudirir joints are rife with such madness. So your assertions are meritless. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tillamook Posted October 4, 2012 Dude, your single sentence syntax does not make any sense whatsoever...I'm not sure whether you mean I would make fun of Aids sufferers, but if that's what you're asking?: NO I would not. And am baffled by this silly question of yours. So kindly resist the temptation to ask such questions in the future! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bluelicious Posted October 6, 2012 Loool that was entertaining, good piece of work which I liked! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Carafaat Posted October 8, 2012 Is this the D version of the V... monologues. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tillamook Posted October 9, 2012 Abtigiis was in a fine a fettle, enjoying the company of Mooge and the ferocious banter they shared, when all of sudden: Mooge: Saaxiib, maxaa kaligaa ku fariiseyey meeshaas? Come join us! Tillamook: *gingerly* Are you talking to me? Mooge: HAA ADIGA! (*quietly to Abtigiis* War wuxu ma na'cas baa?) YES, PLEASE JOIN US! Abtigiis: How are you doing saaxiib? My name is Abtigiis, are you new to this town? What will you have to drink, my friend? Tillamook: I will have some mango juice... and yes, am sorta new. I used to live out here many years ago, but am back now for a work related assignment. My name is Tillamook, pleased to meet you both. Mooge: The pleasure is all ours, Mr. Tillamook. Tell us, what do you do? Tillamook: I'm reporter for the globally syndicated SOL news magazine. Abtigiis: Ah, that’s quite impressive indeed! Tell us, what story are you working on at the moment? Tillamook: Well, as you are all aware of, the excursion of Kenyan troops into southern Somalia seems to be a hot topic of late in all the Somali news portals. A lot of Somali folk are a bit agitated by the whole affair. Mooge: What do you mean when you say, “AGITATED”? Don’t tell me you are one of those naive ones. Abtigiis:*taken aback by Mooge’s tone towards Tillamook* I don’t suppose you have to support it, but personally I can’t condemn it . It seems to have achieved its goal of liberating Kismayu for us...err, I mean, for the Somali people from the clutches of Al Shabaab, and since I believe that to be a good thing, I know better than to jump to the dumb sort of patriotism that has become fashionable amongst Somalis these days, let me tell you-- Tillamook: And let me tell you: I just report the news, and I try to keep my personal opinions to myself... Just then a police officer wearing a khaki jacket and hat, entered the restaurant and walked straight up to their table. “ Excuse me gentlemen, my name is Officer Haatu Wangai and I’m with the Kenyan Secret Police!” barks he. “It took me seven days to find you, by God-- If only I had looked here first!” He turned to Abtigiis and collared him. Abtigiis: *with a pusillanimous smile and looking rather perplexed* I beg your pardon, sir, but I don’t believe I have the pleasure of your acquaintance. Mooge and Tillamook, filled with confusion and bewilderment, just sat there trying to make sense of this brazen effrontery toward their colleague... Officer Haatu: Haven’t you, you gun running, money laundering, rebel rousing vermin! I sure as hell have the pleasure of yours! *speaks into radio* Bwana-- send me backup--quick dammit, I’ve got him! Mooge and Tillamook gaped in sheer amazement as Officer Haatu pulled Abtigiis out of his chair and shoved him hard onto the wall, pinning him there and roughly manhandling him. Office Haatu: I am putting you under arrest for the attempted murder and stabbing of the Somali singer Nimco Dareen at the Nairobi concert last month and a myriad other crimes. Don’t make any rash moves now, I have orders to shoot you if you try to resist--now, you baboon, hold still there! Abtigiis: Damn you man, will your threaten me in public? I had nothing to do with that woman's stabbing. I know my rights, and once my lawyer hears this, I’m gonna sue you and you will rot in hell.. Officer Haatu: Save your protestations for later. C’mon, get up and let’s go! What are you scared of, you beast? I won’t do anything to you until we get to the station, and you wouldn’t dare run on me, would you? No, you better not, unless you want me to use your back for target practice. *he grins nastily* Abtigiis: You’re wrong! You have mistaken me for someone else, dammit! My name is not Abtigiis! Get your hands off me, you imbecile! Mooge: war balaayo inagaa aragney! War magacaaga ha diidin, ina Adeer! I’m as anxious as you are about this whole thing; but don’t you worry, we will get you the best Lawyer in town, and besides we have a reporter with us. Rest assured officer everything is being documented! TO BE CONTINUED... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tillamook Posted October 9, 2012 By now there was a crowd of men in the restaurant forming round the table where the commotion was taking place. However, a majority of them were Somalis who were in Kenya without the right documentation and were fairly uninterested in getting involved in matters concerning the police, besides Officer Haatu was a big fellow, which might have further discouraged them from interfering. Tillamook was still sitting irresolutely next to Mooge, when he decided to chime in... Tillamook: Hold on Officer. Are you sure this is the person you think he is? Officer Haatu: Of Course, am sure! Do you want me to arrest the both of you for obstruction of justice?*points finger at Tillamook and Mooge* Hearing this, Tillamook and Mooge both turned their faces away, and then another police officers rushed into the restaurant and seized control of Abtigiis, while Officer Haatu stood back and took a breather. Officer Haatu: I’d know the scoundrel from anywhere--There is no mistaking his lanky looks and British accent-- Abtigiis:*protesting desperately* This is a lie...it must be a mistake...war waxaan wuu sarqaansanyahay...I don’t know what he is talking about! Let me go! Officer Haatu: DRUNK, AM I? Why, you impudent rascal! I will have... Just before Officer Haatu was gettin' ready to unleash a verbal jihad on Abtigiis, the policeman holding down Abtigiis spoke... Officer Abasi: Please, Haatu, calm down-- you just take it easy now: We should handle this thing like professionals. Will you two gentlemen accompany us to the station. We have a few questions we wanna ask the two of you. *This was directed to Mooge and Tillamook who by now were trying to look invisible by imitating a pair of goats with a secret sorrow* Tillamook: Officer, I hardly know him. I just met both of them barely half an hour before you walked in. Officer Abasi: *This was to Mooge* You, sir! You were sitting with the suspect--how do you know him? Everyone looked at Mooge, who for the first time became flustered and uncomfortable. Mooge: I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE! He came to our table uninvited and begged for a glass of caanoboore. I wanted to shoo him away, but my colleague here *points finger at Tillamook* was feeling a little generous, and invited him to join us. Both Tillamook and Abtigiis were struck speechless, not only at the brazen lie, but the casual manner with which Mooge uttered it. Tillamook:*frowning* But it was the two of you who called me over to join your table. Officer, you’ve got to believe me; the waiters can vouch for me! At this, Officer Haatu moved nimbly in between Mooge and the exit door, just as Mooge looked like he was about to bolt. Officer Haatu: Now you just take it easy there. I believe you just might be an accomplice of his. I reckon I should put you under arrest as well, and take you in for questioning. Mooge: Get out of my way, you bloody jokoraa, or by God you won’t live to regret it! Officer Haatu: *unclipping his gun holster* Please give me a reason to blast you away--I haven’t shot anyone in two days. Make a move...I dare you. For a moment, Mooge stood paralyzed, while his eyes turned red with rage. Then all of a sudden, without warning and with lightning speed, his hands were wrestling Officer Haatu’s hands, trying to reach for the policeman's sidearm. You wouldn’t believe it; but here was this skinny, middle-aged Somali man, barely half the size of the ugali bred Sujui policeman--and suddenly it was like a gorilla gone amok. When he was unable to wrestle the gun off the cop, he took one short step to the side and unleashed two thunderous fists into policeman’s torso; the officer gave out a loud yelp before he fell onto the floor, Mooge reached down to grab the stupefied policeman’s jacket and flung him like a sack of potatoes over the table. Mooge: Nafta hadaan kaa jari waayo, najis yahow najisku dhalay *says he, as he walked towards Officer Haatu who was groaning on the floor of the far left corner of the restaurant* This was a mistake, for it gave Officer Abasi --who was still pinning down Abtigiis--a chance to clobber him with a punch on the back of the head. Mooge stumbled and then turned around to face the new threat, but before Officer Abasi could reap the consequences of his folly, Officer Haatu was quickly up again, and he tripped Mooge with his leg. Abtigiis-- realizing he was momentarily freed from his captors--made a frantic dash for the door. Tillamook, who for the most part was not involved in the scuffle, and was trying to remain inconspicuous, decided to join Abtigiis and ran after him. Meanwhile, inside the restaurant, it seemed like a reenactment of the rumble in the jungle was underway; Mooge was on his feet again, with a bloody lip--which looked ghastly--mumbling noisily and angrily to himself; Officer Haatu was back on the floor but had a hold on Mooge’s slacks, which looked rather ridiculous, while Officer Abasi had his arms around Mooge’s waste --and then it happened, out of nowhere, Mooge got a hold of one of the police officer’s pistol. Mooge squeezed. There was a sudden loud boom: Officer Abasi gave out a loud scream.Then Officer Haatu made a desperate attempt to reach for his own gun, but it was too late. Mooge squeezed the trigger again, and another loud boom was heard... Then there was dead silence... TO BE CONTINUED! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wyre Posted October 9, 2012 Lol, i really like this thread I hope haatu wangai is alive and will be in the rest of the story :D Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Carafaat Posted October 10, 2012 Just then a police officer wearing a khaki jacket and hat, entered the restaurant and walked straight up to their table. “ Excuse me gentlemen, my name is Officer Haatu Wangai and I’m with the Kenyan Secret Police!” barks he. “It took me seven days to find you, by God-- If only I had looked here first!” He turned to Abtigiis and collared him. Office Haatu : I am putting you under arrest for the attempted murder and stabbing of the Somali singer Nimco Dareen at the Nairobi concert last month and a myriad other crimes. Don’t make any rash moves now, I have orders to shoot you if you try to resist--now, you baboon, hold still Officer Haatu Wnagari. Hilarious. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NGONGE Posted October 10, 2012 Started slowly but it was worth the read. Though the idea that Mooge can beat two men without the use of his tongue or keyboard is a tad farfetched. :D Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tillamook Posted October 10, 2012 ^ Apophis, patience my boy: I promise to dedicate a whole installment to your qabiil--whatever it is. NGONGE;878802 wrote: Started slowly but it was worth the read. Though the idea that Mooge can beat two men without the use of his tongue or keyboard is a tad farfetched. :D Ngonge, although I took a bit of artistic license to achieve a more humorous effect, I wouldn't underestimate Mooge's toughness. Imagine, if you can, an African Wild Dog in the savannas of the Serengeti, and you will have an idea of the ferocious appearance and awesome formidability of the man from the Puntland State of Somalia. :D:D Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bluelicious Posted October 15, 2012 Officer Haatu: Haven’t you, you gun running, money laundering, rebel rousing vermin! I sure as hell have the pleasure of yours! *speaks into radio* Bwana-- send me backup--quick dammit, I’ve got him! Office Haatu: I am putting you under arrest for the attempted murder and stabbing of the Somali singer Nimco Dareen at the Nairobi concert last month and a myriad other crimes. Don’t make any rash moves now, I have orders to shoot you if you try to resist--now, you baboon, hold still there! Looooool at how you even included Nimco Dareen, how you painted Abtigiis as a bad azz and how you made Mooge a killer. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
