Not Wanting Kids Is Entirely Normal

[ElPunto]

Why the ingrained expectation that women should desire to become parents is unhealthy

 

In 2008, Nebraska decriminalized child abandonment. The move was part of a "safe haven" law designed to address increased rates of infanticide in the state. Like other safe haven laws, parents in Nebraska who felt unprepared to care for their babies could drop them off at a designated location without fear of arrest and prosecution. But legislators made a major logistical error: They failed to implement an age limitation for dropped-off children.

 

Within just weeks of the law passing, parents started dropping off their kids. But here's the rub: None of them were infants. A couple of months in, 36 children had been left in state hospitals and police stations. Twenty-two of the children were over 13 years old. A 51-year-old grandmother dropped off a 12-year-old boy. One father dropped off his entire family -- nine children from ages one to 17. Others drove from neighboring states to drop off their children once they heard that they could abandon them without repercussion.

 

The Nebraska state government, realizing the tremendous mistake it had made, held a special session of the legislature to rewrite the law in order to add an age limitation. Governor Dave Heineman said the change would "put the focus back on the original intent of these laws, which is saving newborn babies and exempting a parent from prosecution for child abandonment. It should also prevent those outside the state from bringing their children to Nebraska in an attempt to secure services."

 

On November 21, 2008, the last day that the safe haven law was in effect for children of all ages, a mother from Yolo County, California, drove over 1,200 miles to the Kimball County Hospital in Nebraska where she left her 14-year-old son.

 

What happened in Nebraska raises the question: If there were no consequences, how many of us would give up our kids? After all, child abandonment is nothing new and it's certainly not rare in the United States. Over 400,000 children are in the foster care system waiting to be placed in homes, thousands of parents relinquish their children every year. One woman even sent her adopted child back to his home country with an apology letter pinned like a grocery list to his chest. Whether it's because of hardship or not, many Americans are giving up on parenthood.

 

In February 2009, someone calling herself Ann logged onto the website Secret Confessions and wrote three sentences: "I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!" Over three years later, the thread of comments is still going strong with thousands of responses -- the site usually garners only 10 or so comments for every "confession." Our anonymous Ann had hit a nerve.

 

One woman who got pregnant at 42 wrote, "I hate being a mother too. Every day is the same. And to think I won't be free of it until I am like 60 and then my life will be over." Another, identifying herself only as k'smom, said, "I feel so trapped, anxious, and overwhelmed. I love my daughter and she's well taken care of but this is not the path I would have taken given a second chance."

 

Gianna wrote, "I love my son, but I hate being a mother. It has been a thankless, monotonous, exhausting, irritating and oppressive job. Motherhood feels like a prison sentence. I can't wait until I am paroled when my son turns 18 and hopefully goes far away to college." One D.C.-based mom even said that although she was against abortion before having her son, now she would "run to the abortion clinic" if she got pregnant again.

 

The responses -- largely from women who identify themselves as financially stable -- spell out something less explicit than well-worn reasons for parental unhappiness such as poverty and a lack of support. These women simply don't feel that motherhood is all it's cracked up to be, and if given a second chance, they wouldn't do it again.

 

.............

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wanting-kids-is-entirely-normal/262367/

[OdaySomali]

Do you not want children then ElPunto?

[Taleexi]

?

[Juxa]

Abandoning a child and not wanting kids at all are two different things. First being bad choice and the latter being a CHOICE

 

Balse before anyone can think marabo caruur, horta mahubtaa inuu alle kusiin doono.

[Bluelicious]

Gosh if these people think that way about their kids they shouldn't have them in the first place period. I don't really like kids nor am I good with them but no child deserves to be abandoned and neglected that way.

[ElPunto]

I posted it because I thought it was an interesting article worthy of discussion. Not because it reflects my personal feelings.

 

Juxa/Blue,

 

This author cites the abandonment of children as a direct consequence of society's adulation of motherhood and the expectations that motherhood is the natural role all women should play. And that many woman actually are not cut out for it.

[Bluelicious]

^^ Some women are indeed not cut out for it to be a mom I do believe that. Not all mothers are good and want the best for their child.

[Malika]

I think a society like ours cant comprehend anyone not wanting kids - we so believe having kids is the ultimate 'success' of life or a retirement funding guranteed - the more children you have the better chance of having at least a couple whom will be dutiful kids..a lottery of life one can say..lol

 

Logically we know, that not everyone is cut out to be a parent - to be honest its one of the hardest job ever. There are a lot of damaged people out there and have very little to offer a child - I am a great believer if one hasnt got it within them, its best not to have kids. Why have kids when you will only torment them with your lacking in nurturing, loving, caring etc.

[ElPunto]

^Yes - logically every woman isn't cut out to be a mother. Or that someone is upfront about that. But I can't understand the women who are saying - I hate being a mother, it is a prison sentence etc in the article. Being a mother has many similarities to being a wife or a sister or a daughter - it's about caring as much as the work involved. I suspect many of these ladies are selfish, narcisistic and self involved. Perhaps they should have adopted a puppy first.

[Malika]

^Thats what I meant, sometimes its not within them to have ability nor the stamina to raise children. I also think , western societies way of life encourages one to be so self involved that if any time one is asked to put themselves out there for anyone it becomes a mundane task. Not saying there arent such women in our own society - kuwa caruurtoduu habeen iyo maliin inkara weyjoogan on top of abandoning them.

 

I work with an elderly lady - wexee dashee labo gabdood - miid waa ciyalaa suqaad - the other day she tells me, its not her business to help guide her daughter - waan weydiyee - so when did being her mother ended - kulaha when she turned 18..Lol.

[Ibtisam]

If you have children- you need to look after them regardless of what you feel or want- you have lost the choice- the option and uuumm and errrm is only an option before having the child- if you have nothing to give- be smart enough to walk away and not have any. It is pointless ruining and torturing a child life simple because you did not know your own limits of how much and what you can give without lossing yourself or resent the child for it.

 

It is not a crime to be childless by choice (no selection) laakin it is criminal to have kids and not fulfill your duty- worst of all taking it out on the child.

[Chimera]

Raising children is a big task, many women don't realise they will lose a lot of their 'freedoms', especially in the early years. I think a woman should live her own life first, and achieve her dreams before settling down. Personally, I try to give my female relatives as much 'free time' as possible by babysitting the little devils and spawns from hell.

 

At the moment I don't think I'm cut out to be a father, I'm to self-absorbed and childish, though this might be an age-factor. I probably won't have any until I'm 30 anyways. Also, seeing a mini version of myself might wake a dormant sentiment inside, in-fact just thinking about this non-existing child already makes me feel protective. I would probably never leave his/her sight for the first five years, and would walk with a perpetual proto-heart-attack because I'm obsessive and fearful.

[Ibtisam]

You are going to be one scary father Adam. Although Im sure you will grow into your role and take it easy after a while. Otherwise your kids are going to have a super cool mother and a really tough scary father. lol

[Chimera]

LMAO, why scary?

[Alpha Blondy]

lol@IBZ,

 

adams, a scary father? nagada khiyaaliga dee. i don't think adams will be a father at all. i mean look at him - he's pathetic. he doesnt have the qualities of being a father at all. plus he's the type of man who will happily raise the kids of his formerly divorced wife and call her kids 'aabo'.