Is love a by-product of marriage, or is it a precursor for a good One?

[Nur]

Nomads

 

There you have it,

 

The question that baffled great philosophers of the marriage and family for many years, your take please!

 

e-Nuri Somali Social Works presents.

 

 

The Catch 22, of all time:

 

Is love a by-product of marriage, or is it a precursor for a good marriage?,

 

 

In light of our faith and its rules on one hand, and present realities , on the other, in which many Faaraxs and Xaliimos rub shoulders at school or at work, eye contact and affection can happen, if not restrained by a Sharia compliant solution, Satan can propose a quicky, and the fall from grace follows.

 

So, what is the solution.

 

Should we follow our emotions or intellect in choosing a marriage partner? Chosing emotions can be detrimental to the couple, intellect alone can be boring, so an orderly combination is needed, but how?

 

 

Nur

 

2004 e-Nur Social Works Department

[RendezVous]

~~~Is a by-product of marriage~~~.That is right.

[Wiilo]

Bismilaah:...

 

 

I believe it is a by-product of marriage......

 

 

Wabillaah:............

[juba]

definantly a by-product

[x_quizit]

Real love happens after marriage, when the couple may experience hard times but they are still together, determined to make it work, while lust, is the initial attraction but ultimately cannot sustain a long term relaitonship.

 

"Should we follow our emotions or intellect in choosing a marriage partner? Chosing emotions can be detrimental to the couple, intellect alone can be boring, so an orderly combination is needed, but how?"

 

Emotional ties, intellectual harmony, strong faith, all are needed when choosing a life partner, the hard part is, finding out all that, establishing emotional ties, without breaking Islamic rules of conduct, thats the real test. id love to see some practical solutions others may have.

 

peace

[Nur]

So far, votes for the " Love as a by-product of a healthy marriage " is winning the count, but it is far from being over, X Quizit writes:

 

Emotional ties, intellectual harmony, strong faith, all are needed when choosing a life partner, the hard part is, finding out all that, establishing emotional ties, without breaking Islamic rules of conduct, thats the real test. id love to see some practical solutions others may have

 

 

I could not have put it better than the above statement, here is exactly the catch 22 dilemma, to love somebody is to know them, and to know them well is to love them, so where do we start?

 

Let us say a relative of yours one day sets you up to consider someone they think that will suite you as a life partner, you meet that Xalimo or that Faarax in a controlled fusion laboratory,( A family or a relative home ) where you may not get a full picture of candidate's character . You can have a look or share a joke in the presence of others, but nothing can prepare you for a persons real behaviour until you get intimate, and by then, it is too late to walk away without a scar for life if relationship turns sour.

 

Of course the above logic is a hybrid Nomads reasoning ( born in Somalia, raised and educated and live in the west, with conservative outlook of life ).

 

Our culture, a very unjust and cruel one to women, does not treat a male divorcee and a female divorcee equally after the fact, women walk away with unjust share of the blame than their male counterparts, specially if there are kids. Her chances of remarriage diminishes, while his reputation and hence his chances are unscathed, So, considering X-Quizits valuable question above, how can a woman gage the character of her potential mate without some sort of a substantiated respect based on proven knowkedge beyound the surface?

 

In Rural Somalia, when A camel boy asks for the hand of a camel girl, the reer baadiye would invite the young man to have a dinner with the young camel girl in the presence of her family in their aqal somali. In these encounters the girl normally qualifies the camel boy with some benchmarks that are important for her, like bravery ( In Contrast we have RCMP in Toronto ), generosity ( famines make this attribute important ), oratory , ( he needs to communicate well with others to gurantee their share of booties )intelligence and it helps to have high level of morality and good looks.

 

After several meetings, and mutual cross-examinations, the couple either go forward, or they part ways.

 

In the concrete jungle of the west, where Somali expatriates display varying levels of morality and practice of their faith, there is no single accepted methodology to bring hopefuls together, while the prevalent liberal setting they live in allows for more than what some parents would object to. It is normal to have eye contact in college corridors between classes, or chat on the net!

 

So, how can we assure that marriage hopefuls use their heads when they need them most, before marriage? so that love can be the by-product of their marriage? Lets say, 10 years down the road, when they look back, will they have cemented a solid relationship that can withstand the ten meter high Tsunami waves that break Somali homes apart?

 

 

Nur

[STOIC]

The desirable characters we look for in the opposite sex are:1. Religiousness,which takes precedent over every thing else.

2. intelligence

3.a good character

4.fertility

5.a good family

6.virginity

7.beuty

What i have been puzzled is how are we supposed to know all this without breaking the islamic law.Some of those points are things we can not know without the knowledge of the other.It is sunnah,correct if i am wrong,to look at the opposite sex face and hands(as the face indicates beauty and the hands robustness of body).i know there is a good reason why Allah has said to us "tell beleivers to lower their gaze".I have came across a hadith that Tirmidhi reports from al mughira that when he got engaged to a woman, the prophet(pbuh)said, "look at her, for it is likelier to last between you" .He may only look at her at face and hands and not any other part.Brother Nur does this hadith meant that you can look at the woman you want to marry and be able to fall in love with her,if not so may you please explain it to me.

[-Serenity-]

Raw instinct and luck. I think these two factors are the most important in successfully finding that one person whether confirming to Islamic code of conduct or not.

 

Is love a by-product of marriage, or is love a precursor for a good marriage?

A bit of both.

[wind.talker]

^^

 

I second that.

 

When the issue is divided between intellect and emotion, any logical person will say intellect. But sometimes emotions overpower any logic or intelligence.

[sayfulaah-almasluul]

well i think it is obvvious, in our socities and culture and many moslim nations love is by-product of marriage becuase be4 marriage one may have only closely monitored or limited acces to his/her future lover, and as result of many many relatiosnhips end up in failure.

how to find the :

.1 intelligence

3.a good character

4.fertility

5.a good family

6.virginity

7.beuty

5 and 7 aare determinable without effort and time becuase beutiy is in eyes of beholder and family history is easy to know.( unless you are in a qurbi and farax's/xalimos family is back home.

the determining factor of almost all the above mentionded is religone, once the sister xallimo/brother faarax is religious then we can for certain extend say he/she is fine.

not just wearng khamis and imama/hijaab or leting his beard grow long or in case of xallimos covers her face)

prophet said " tunkaxul mar'ah li thalaath,li xasabihaa,wali malihaa wali diinihaa fathrab bithaati diini taribat yadaak" meanign women is married for three( these are fators faraxs need to take into considerations and same applies to xaliimos) for her wealth, her nasab and religone take the religious ,

emotions can not ovepower the religone becuase the mu'min is not and religone enriches intellectaul capabillity.

[Muhammad]

» Asalamu Alaykum

 

when you know someone well - there are four possible results:

 

1) you like that someone, he/she passed the Emotional, Intelectual and Moral test. (hence these test are personal ones) + You also passed the other's personal test. Thus, You two can face a ten meter high Tsunami waves together. (this is the house we are trying to build)

 

 

1a) That someone has passed your test, but he/she feels you didn't pass his/her test. Thus, you two are not compatible.

 

 

2) you dislike that someone, because he/she failed your test + But that someone likes you and thinks your his match.

 

2a) The last possible result is that you two are totally oppisite and not compatible.

 

from this we can conclude that the challange we are facing is very great indeed. how can we build a house in which both the Faarax and the Xaliimo are compatible (know eachother well)? and not end up with a house that is built on the other 3 results?

 

My solution is:

 

1. we must never build a house in the dark. we must first turn on the Faynuus. the two believers must know eachother well. they must both feel compatible and willing to build a Muslim house.

 

» challange: how can they know eachother so well without breaking the Sharia?

 

I believe the only answer to this is:

 

» build a healthy and strong Iman in all of our youths.

» the family must be also be Islamic and healthy.

» the community must also be Islamic and healthy.

» the peers must also be Islamic and healthy.

 

 

= this shows you how all things are connected in Islam. you can't say I'm going to build an Healthy and Strong Family, without building an healthy and strong Iman. You can't build an Islamic Civilizations without building an Islamic Heart, Family, Community, ect...

 

In another words, you can't build a house without a roof, and you can't put on a roof without strong pillars.

 

personaly, I think there is no one right answer to this question. all marriages don't have the right seeds to produce a healthy Love that flows both ways and down to the offsprings.

 

and we can't also say love is always a precursor for a good marriage, because in most situations, this love is blind, meaning it is not based on full knowledge of eachother. It is said, you don't really know someone unless you fought them!

 

 

 

q__|__| | (swt) knows best!

[Baashi]

My take on this marriage thing is it’s like a black box with input and output terminals. A distorted signal loaded with too much of white noise goes in as an input at one end and it comes out (time lag) the other end in filtered form. You may know all the critical dimensions of this black box beforehand but inside will always remain unknown for sometime to come. With enough time, you come to know, through the observed behavior, some of the properties of the box, how it works, what makes tick inside, etc. Still you won’t be able to see inside of that black box.

 

If nomads were to find the desired signal with right amplitude and frequency as the end product, they would need to take a calculated risk by choosing the signal with minimum white noise from the available signals. To do so you must have the right tools like oscilloscope to take all the measurements of the signal. The lab is the place to take the vital data because it is a controlled room . Since, you don’t know how the mysterious black box might process it, it is better to consult with the syllabus and the textbook for guidance of how best to perform the task. In the end though much will depend on that box.

 

To answer the question Nur posed; love is both a precursor for a good and healthy marriage and the by-product of marriage but like the signal loaded with too much white noise, pre-marriage love is loaded with a lot of emotional feelings, unrealized hopes, undefined fears, and unreasonable expectations. Once the knot is tied, the pre-marriage love will either pass the test, and materialize in the form of mutual understanding, or it will evaporate as soon as it's tested by the marital complexities. The real thing is the by-product of successful marriage.

 

Practical solution: there is no perfect mate for starters! and you won’t get the magical rose garden you are dreaming about unless you take a calculated risk with someone. Open the door for the unknown suitors, get to know them and see if they can foot the bill and don’t forget the saying: trust but verify.

 

There it is my caanteeyn,

[Emperor]

Think, trust, lower your expections and always remember your life comes to an end by the minute.

 

Love is controlled by emotions, and is rather dangerous to be controlled by your emotions as we have seen some cases in real life.

 

 

Chosing emotions can be detrimental to the couple, intellect alone can be boring, so an orderly combination is needed, but how?

Here I agree with you, but as you know life is taugh, busy and very demanding, to win anything in this life u have to always be in the midst of it. This I mean by persons who are into their religion from a young age growing in the company of others like him/her going Madrassa together, having circles(Subcis) together and may be in same school as well, these kind of people will be able to find their Love parter in the path of a good faith, but our Muslim liberals (girls and boys) will always find it very hard to get both of the qualities mentioned above (neither love nor marriage based on religion that lasts). Lets be aware the benefits of practising religion from young age, many think today relgion is about praying and going to Masjid only, wrong concept. They forget the fact that it helps them through every aspect of their life in terms of politacal system, social interactions, happy mariage, economic etc.

 

that is the way I think but I here await others input.

[Nur]

Quick responses

 

Guardian & Wind-Talker

 

There is nothing in Islam called luck, luck implies things happening at random without any interference from oustide, in Islam everything happens for a purpose.

 

1. Either it is in the domain of your accountability, or it is

2. In Allah's Domain of decision

 

If it is within our responsibility, we need to do our homework, if after exhausting all of our Ability, then we make TAWAKKAL, trust Allah for the rest, it is in His hands, and that is no random, Allah is Aleem and Xakeem.

 

 

Saif

 

The Hadeeth says that a woman is married for Four qualities, not Three. Beauty, Faith, Family background, and wealth. The Prophet SAWS recommended the pious woman for a wife.

 

 

Muad

 

I think a mock fight and be arranged at safe distance on this medium, after a period, they would know each other, either the man or the woman looses the battle to make peace.

 

 

Baashi

 

you write

 

If nomads were to find the desired signal with right amplitude and frequency as the end product, they would need to take a calculated risk by choosing the signal with minimum white noise from the available signals To do so you must have the right tools like oscilloscope to take all the measurements of the signal The lab is the place to take the vital data because it is a controlled room Since, you don’t know how the mysterious black box might process it, it is better to consult with the syllabus and the textbook for guidance of how best to perform the task In the end though much will depend on that box .

 

 

You've electrified the affair! I can help laugh as I respond, I dont know if it is appropriate, but, I think that e-Nuri and company will offer you a job.

 

I partiicularly liked the osciloscope analogy, and filteration process for background noise specially when recreating bthe original signal is required to send appropriate signal back. As for consulting textbooks, I disagree, I think, no textbook can prepare you for conducting a live experience with a live system, afterall, the system is more intelligent than you, each time you turn the system on it diplays the following message:

 

a. Fully Allow

b. Keep Learning

c. Do Not Allow

 

You should always choose, b.

 

 

Nur

[-Serenity-]

^^

Quick Response .

 

Luck by my definition would be any predestined event that happens in our favour or to our liking. Something unexpected that makes one more content/happy.