Marriage Issues

[Axmed-InaJaad]

is your mil a milf?

[Umm Maryam]

PROBLEM AVERTED!!!

 

JazakAllahu khairan for those who posted. Esp Aaliyah, you gave great advice, may Allah reward you.

 

So last night I was prepared to move to my parents for a bit, but I thought Id give him 1 last chance to discuss this. It ended up being a big fat fight. He apologised, I hate him... but yeah i guess thats just marriage eh???

 

NOTE: Any married men reading this post. BUY YOUR WIFE A GIFT!!!! I dont care if its unsomalia or watever. JUST DO IT.

[Maaddeey]

Since you are religious enough to know music is Haraam, I think you missed the importance of in laws in Islamic culture, you should have cancelled your cousin and kept your mother in law's invitation!.

 

Question: Was he like that (not bringing gifts) before marriage or when you were newly wed?.

[Aaliyyah]

umm Maryam, wa iyyaki habiibti. I am glad everything worked out.

 

salaam

[Juxa]

salaams sister

 

I am truely sorry you are going through this. I was once given great advise and to date i follow it religiously.

 

First of all establish a direct relationship with your MIL, consider her as your own mother and do not get upset about what she says just like you wont take to hear what your own mother says to you. I would just have direct contact with her, explain my situation etc

 

As for your SIL wedding, you should have gone, just stay in the kitchen or your MIL home to help with the preparation etc. I am sure no one will force you to attend the wedding because of the music and your MIL and SIL would both appreciate you care for them and want to share their happy day.

 

If your MIL invited you, you should just call her and explain and tell her i dont know what to do, knowing MIL (if she was mu'minah) she would have told you not to worry and see your family. after all no one has a right to stop you from seeing your family.

 

As for your husband, please do not expect him to have a go at his own mother. you are religious woman so should understand. just dont put him into that position of choosing between the two of you or taking sides. you are the wife, she is the mother. khlaaas.

 

Finally never ever ever leave your maritial home or involve your family into your maritial difficulty unless you are prepared for things to go wrong or get out of control.

 

i wish you the best:)

[Umm Maryam]

Wa alaykumu salam wr wb. JazakAllahu khair for the advice, but really, I should stay in the kitchen while the wedding is going on? The whole point of NOT going to the wedding would be so that Im not exposed to the sin of listening to music, and you cant avoid it if your in the kitchen...so then what would be the point??? Do you understand what Im trying to say?

 

Your advice is all well and good in an ideal world. But in reality its just impossible. I know I can never make her happy. I honestly dont care anymore of the crap my MIL does. To me its completely insignificant. I have no hope in the relationship improving, and to be honest i dont care.

 

I'll just do what is waajib for me ( ie visiting her, trying to be nice etc) but in the end this is how things will be. And thats because she isnt interested in improving the relationship. Its just a crazy, cultural, annoying relationship, and Im pretty sure almost every women on the planet has MIL issues.

 

PS: My darling (yes he is a darling) husband bought me flowers!!! YAAAY!!!!!

[Umm Maryam]

@ Maadeey. I dont agree. People have rights. Regardless who they are. I wouldnt cancel on my sister and make her travel all that way alone, just because my MIL invitied me to a bbq. I think thats wrong. My sis and cousin have a right over me and so does my MIL. So then if you work thngs out, you'd realise that I had organised with my sis and cousin BEFORE I accepted the invitation with my MIL. Just because our relationship is ultra sensitive it doesnt mean that I should trample on other peoples rights. True I was wrong to have accepted the invite if something was planned for the next day, but I sincerly forgot, and subhanAllah, these things happen

[Aaliyyah]

Umm Maryam..today the khutbah was about being forgiving. The shiekh was telling us how there was a family that abu bakr may Allah be pleased with him used to support financially and how they spread rumor about Aisha may allah swt be pleased with her - rumors about her reputation. And abu bakr took an oath not to support them of course that being a normal reaction to someone who slanders your own daughter...then an ayah was revealed to the prophet csw along the lines of dont take an oath and that you should support the less fortunate than you and don't you guys want allah swt to forgive you (my apology for not knowing that ayah percisely but that was the jist of it)..And then the companion abu bakr was moved by the last line "dont you want allah swt to forgive you" . Of course we sin day in and day out and we expect Allah swt to accept our repentance. Likewise remove that grudge against your MIL forgive her for Allahs sake. and make it work ..and dont say "you dont care" ..Yes you do hun and you can fix that relationship with your MIL for your sake and for your kids sake if not even for your husbands sake. Believe me it doesnt matter how many times you say "oh im gonna be nice to her" (your actions will speak what your heart feels)...you are not going to be nice to someone you feel anger toward?...you have to let it go sister. Just my advice.

 

You will be in my duas.

 

take care of yourself. Seems to me you have a blessed family. Just few misunderstanding here and there. Stay blessed.

[Malika]

^ She hates them - how is that a blessed family?

 

Umm Maryam - what are the cultural annoying things the mother in law does that seem to get under you skin?

 

ps. For someone that claims to be religious, you should know about the source of anger, trials of life and forgiveness of others and more so should know the rights of mothers...etc.

 

All I can say to you is - rebuke the sheytan and do some soul searching - one cant be in a marriage when resenting it and those involved.

[Aaliyyah]

Malika hate is a strong word sis. She doesnt hate them and they dont hate her. They just need to sit together and communicate. (from the look of it the mother in law is angry that ummu maryam didnt attend her sister in law's wedding and that it escalated from there..and maybe the cultural gap is also fueling it)..either way..there is a way where there is a will. If tehy want to make it work they can. Otherwise, they will have a life time of resentment toward each other and this life is nothing but a temporary abode anyways..is it worth it? I think Not.!!..It is sad that sometimes when people are blessed and Allah swt gave them every reason to smile they try to mess their life? and im not saying umm maryam is making her life harder than it is im just saying so many people have it worse..lets not allow little things to get our way!..alhamdulilah she is blessed. She has her kids, she has her husband who loves her. and that lil issue with the MIL will go ( from my understanding her MIL is somali..i think its something deeply rooted in the somali culture for the mother in law to have an issue with her daughter in law like i seen many of that something that culturally we should change...the daughter in law isnt going to replace the mother in law and neither is the mother in law a threat..that relationship could be precious its all how you make it.)..

 

salaam

[Malika]

^I just repeated her words - she said she hates him, hates her etc.

[Aaliyyah]

anger does that how many times have we said "we hate someone" due to the emotion we feel then and there. Inshallah she will get over it.

 

salaam

[Malika]

^Insha'allah...thus the need to rebuke the sheytan. Sheytan hates halaal union - if one is not careful, sheytan can magnify every little thing in the marriage as an issue and a problem. Marriage isnt easy, but needs to be dealt with care and consideration and mostly calmness. Your suggestion of salat istikar was good - more so the sister can do two rakas every time she feels angry or conflicted and insha'allah Allah will ease her troubles.

[Aaliyyah]

Malika mashallah well said sis. Inshalah khyr. I wish you a good night oh wait you prolly have a different time anyhow althou it is a bit early on my end I've this intense headche so im gonna get some sleep.

 

Salaam

[Malika]

^Yeah - got up for farj and found myself on SOL - .loool, thats how addicted I am. Oh my!

Goodnite sis - May Allah give you shiifa..insha'allah.