Marriage Issues

[Umm Maryam]

Asalamu Alaykum wr wb

 

Im not a somali, neither am I new. I've been on this site for a few years, directed by some good somali friends of mine. Now I need some advice. Desperatly. And I thought maybe I can ask a few bros and sisters for their opinions on the matter.

 

seeing that Im not somali, maybe we can keep the replies in english inshAllah????

 

So I got married about 2 years ago. We're both practising muslims alhamdulilah. Anyway my husband and I had problems from day 1. And to be honest most of the time it was all him (ie, he wouldnt want to get a full time job, so we were really really poor, couldnt afford to pay our bills, couldnt even afford to but meat etc) but alhamdulilah my husband is the kind of guy that would change.

 

Then the big bomb dropped. My SIL (sister in law) was getting married and as it was music I didnt go. Big explosion in my marriage! My MIL (mother in law) threw a hissy fit, and she was soooo mad. Since then I'll be honest I've been trying to make her happy etc, but shes just such a cow! I really hate her. And the problem is, my husband wont even open his mouth and tell her,'could you please respect my wife'. Thats all he ahs to say to her and the problem will vanish.

 

Not only that but he doesnt even appreciate the lengths that I go to, to make amends with his mum.

 

Anyway, something happened last month, and my husband is MAD. Like really Mad. He hasnt spoken to me since. I didnt even wrong her and he's flipped it. and as of about 30 mins ago, he pretty much told me that he doesnt care about me at all.

 

 

Im so upset. I was crying and so distraught and hes in the kitchen feeding our child singing. doesnt care at all.

 

SubhanAllah. Im thinking of going back to my parents, but im not sure if this is gonna make the problem worse, and also I really dont want my parents to find out about our fight...

 

ADVICE PLEASE!

[nuune]

Anyway, something happened last month, and my husband is MAD. Like really Mad. He hasnt spoken to me since.

Why is he mad, what happened last month, what have you done, provide more information about what you have done to make him mad, really Mad!

[Malika]

^Does it usually take that much for some people? There are folks, even if you put the knife on the wrong draw it makes them mad - Sounds like he is emotionally battering her. I am sure he knows that by being mad, he is going to rattle her cage - so she can frett some more.

 

Sis - be the bigger man here and confront the man on ALL the issues you have with him and his family, after all your an equal partner in this marriage - you deserve an equal share of respect, tolerance and above all care. The outcome might not be what you like - but hey! life is just so.

[nuune]

Malika sax waaye hadalkaaga, laakin I always like to hear both sides of the story, then maybe comment accordingly, so far, no mention of him other than in the kitchen, the lady said he is mad, maybe he is mad for nothing, as Xaaji Xeyraan said to make someone mad specially the wife is sexy, then I guess this man is going that way.

 

 

ila arag this comment:

 

Im so upset. I was crying and so distraught

and hes in the kitchen feeding our child singing.

doesnt care at all.

Ninka carruurtiisa ayuu korsanayaa, cuntana wuu karinayaa maadaama uu jikada ku jiro at the same time ilmahana caana siinayo, ma intaas ayey u diidantahey, angelekaas ka fiiri bal

[Malika]

^Lol. You is a typical Somali man, you think as long as he is caring for his children then his carelessness with the Mrs should be forgiven. The Mrs is crying her eyes out in the next room - he is singing and carrying on as usual - thats not nice dee. XX relationship advice is dodgy..lol

 

We shall wait to hear more from the sis.

[Umm Maryam]

JazakAllahu khair. So I had made a date a week in advance with my sister to visit our cousin who had a baby and just bought a house. She told me she'd confirm with me during the week. Anyway, by the time friday night rolled around (we arranged to go on sat) she hadnt confirmed with me yet and my MIL called me around 7pm inviting me to a bbq the next day. I told her I'll be there, cos to be honest i kinda forgot that i had to go with my sis. then at 8:30pm my sis sent me a text, confirming that we were going. My cousin lives far, and I cant visit her with anyone else, and its hard to visit her on my own cos of my daughter (its difficult driving all that way alone. and she lives FAR)

 

So I told my husband about what happened and he seemed fine on fri night, but on sat morining he was SO upset with me. I told him that I was planning on chilling with his mum at the bbq for a little while and then excusing myself and meeting up with my sis. But he was still angry cos I was saying that if its too hard for me then Im gonna have to cancel one, and because I had arranged with my sis earlier, then she has more right of me going with her.

 

But I really tried. Like REALLY REALLY tried. I even arranged for my bro to pick up the gift that was to take to my cousins house so I could save time. But if anyone has a child, they'll realise that NOTHING ever goes as planned. So at 3pm, I finally conceded that this is WAY too difficult and theres no way that I could do both, so I called the hubby at work and told him Im gonna have to cancel one, and if he really insists then I'll cancel with my sis, because above all of this, is the happiness of my husband, which is no doubt my road to paradise.

 

He said, thats fine, I should just call her. Called his mum and told her I cant make it. I admit its pretty rude to cancel at the last minute (he had told her at 11am that I might not come) so I was planning on cooking some food or making some sweets and taking it to her the next day. But when I saw my husband all angry and giving me the silent treatment, I changed my mind.

[Umm Maryam]

@ Malika, been there done that. We've even got a family constitution that is kinda a set of rules. but its just he's family and the fact that hes so selfish/lazy and cant get me a gift (not even a bunch of flowers after I gave birth) that we fight about. Alhamdulilah other than that we're pretty good. we dont fight that much at all. Whats killing me is the ignoring part. Ive given him 2 chances so far so that we can talk about it, but he keeps shutting me down. He just keeps ignoring me, like I dont exist.

 

Moving to my parents is sounding like a really really good idea.

[nuune]

he wouldnt want to get a full time job

 

so I called the hubby at work

 

 

I am sorry sister, does he have a job, or not, sorry to bother you

[Malika]

^Shaqoo laan baa nahay maanta anigu iyo adiga baa..loool

 

Umm Maryam - did his lazyness/selfishness bother you before this recent event? I am only asking, as it seems you accepted him for who he was - why are you suprised he is acting immature now?

 

sorry if am being harsh - its just people accept to be treated a certain way and then get mad...its like, errm...what did you expect?

 

ps.We Somalis dont do flowers dear..Lol

[nuune]

^^ Malika, we are on the same page now ehehe waad ila yaabeysey my first post, glad I had asked further information, now we got the info, lets say to the sister, reerkaaga aayar dhaqo nin fiican baad heesataaye, her first post and last post farqi weyn baa u dhaxeeya, waxan waa iska caadi, waa suu Xaaji Xeyraan sheegay, waxan dhan waaba raaxo

 

 

Maanta fasax baan ku jiraa

[Malika]

^Oh No - we are not on the same pages..Lol. The sister is upset - how is that raaxo[pleasure]..lool.

 

You remind me of a recent incident with someone I know - I couldnt comprehend what the girls family was insisting...She lived in a life of abuse, but the family insisted she stayed with the man just because he provides...Wth..as if the little plate of bariis she would have eaten at home was going to dent them economically.

 

Umm Maryam - you have got through harder time with the man [jobless to employed] - bare with him, he will mature eventually as you said earlier he can be changed.. You just need to find a way to mould him to your liking...Now stop the crying and start playing the game.

[Mario B]

My advice is, get a job and turn him into a kept husband, he can then look after your children and his mother.

[Aaliyyah]

umm maryam pray salatu istikhaara sis (guidance prayer) and inshallah things will work out for the best. Your mother in law invited you for a bbq so theres still some hope with her. Like she isnt totally ignoring you, and even thou you wholeheartedly wanted to go you couldnt as you explained which is understandable we are all human and we have the tendency to be forgetful. All you have to do is explain to your mother in law what you are explaining on this forum. Sit with her and have a talk, same goes with your hubby. Also, you were gonna cook for your mother in law as a apology gesture but changed your mind when your husband gave you the silent treatment, dont correct a mistake with another. It is all going to get worse if you do that.

 

It is all small little issues that can turn into something bigger if its not put to stop right now and hate is a strong word you do not hate your mother in law and neither does she. Work it out sis. Communicating with one another is the key. And you were saying how ur hubby was feeding your baby and singing to him/her..that sounds like a keeper mashallah. As for the job? inshallah push him to get a full time job and remind him that its his duty as a muslim husband to provide for his family since you are most likely a housewife trying to care for your kid/kids.

 

I will pray for you hun.

 

salaam

[GaroweGal]

Make plenty of Dua for him and for yourself. The power of Dua should not ever be underestimated. And please seek advice outside cyber world. We are not aware of what is happening on both sides. Allahu-macakum.

[xalima1000]

Personally making other people happy is a waste of time in my opinion. Tell your mother in law that you didn't go to your sister in law's wedding because it had music in it. If she is still mad then oh well, she is pissed because you choose to be a good muslim? Fudge that.

 

As for your husband getting a job, does he NOT want to get a job or has he been looking for a job but no one hasn't hired him? If its the first one its time to remind him of his islamic AND somali duties. If you were a somali woman sister non of the Bullsh!t would be happening.

 

As him why he is mad at you? If he says he cannot or will not, tell him next time he explodes you gave him a chance to be a man and to voice his concerns.