Sharing Scarce Resources ( Somali Husbands)

[Nur]

Nomads

 

 

After 4 years since the eNuri and company addressed the PolyProblem, on many topics, I expect that some of the single readers have since tied the knot, some married ones may have divorced and yet, some may be Xalimos may still be waiting for their Faaris Al Axlaam.

 

Let us visit the topic again, I hope with maturity and humor this time, no hard feelings and strong opinions like Espresso coffee

 

Salaams

 

 

Nur

[RendezVous]

Originally posted by Nur:

Nomads

 

After 4 years since the eNuri and company addressed the PolyProblem, on many topics, I expect that some of the single readers have since tied the knot, some married ones may have divorced and yet, some may be Xalimos may still be waiting for their Faaris Al Axlaam.

 

Let us visit the topic again, We can't re-visit the topic again coz of threats and hard feelings expressed by the bosses towards some of the nomads contributing to the thread..I hope with maturity and humor this time, moderators will exercise some restraint and let nomads go about businesses as usual.

 

Salaams

Serious

[Pacifist]

The Wife That Nobody Knows About

 

Question

I recently got married. I am a second wife and my husband's first wife does not know about me (along with everybody else in his family). My husband has told me that he promises to tell her and the reason he did not tell her before is because he is scared she will leave with his children.

 

Can you please give me some information as to whether our marriage is valid and what can I say to him to let the truth be known.

 

Name of Counsellor

Layla A. Asamarai

 

Topic

Second Wife

 

 

 

Answer

 

 

My dear sister,

 

 

The second wife is rarely heard from as it is usually the first one whose complaints are received by society. In regards to whether you marriage is valid or not, I could not begin to answer that as that is a question that you would need an Islamic scholar to respond to. In terms of how to let your husband tell the truth to his family including his wife, it seems like there are so many factors in your situation (i.e. his kids, wife, community, etc) that are dictating if and how he tells them of his marriage to you.

 

 

 

Sharing with him the reasons why you would like the marriage to be known as well as how you are impacted by the secrecy are good places to start.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, I cannot say that I have much more than this to offer given that your situation is likely a very complex one. The difficult thing about a situation with multiple wives is that if the marriages are to be equitable, there needs to be balance between each wife’s needs and situation. In addition, what you do about it has a lot to do with what is Islamically appropriate to do. I pray that you gain solace and comfort and that Allah helps you in your time of need.

Another example

 

Taking a Second Wife in the West

 

Question

Respected scholars, as-salamu `alaykum. I am living in the UK. I have two wives. When I married the second wife, my first wife was unaware but she had informed me previously that if I married another women she would divorce me. I repeated this information to my second wife before the nikah (wedding contract), although I did tell her that I would not divorce my first wife from whom I have a child. Now after two months of my second marriage, my second wife is asking for a divorce because the first wife has not divorced me, which the second wife thought would happen and she is not willing to live with me while I am still married to my first wife (although I was not informed of this condition before the nikah). Please could you inform me what does Shari`ah state in the above situation and what would be the proper method of divorce. Jazakum Allahu khayran.

 

Date

10/Sep/2006

 

Name of Counsellor

Zienab Mostafa

 

Topic

Polygamy

 

 

 

Answer

 

 

Wa`alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

 

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

 

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

 

Dear brother in Islam, thanks a lot for your question, and we earnestly implore Allah the Almighty to guide all human beings to the light of Islam and to grant Muslims insight to understand Islam in the best way.

 

First of all, we'd like to stress that Muslims living in a non-Muslim country should respect the laws of that country. Muslims should set a good example for others in all aspects of life. Muslims are not allowed to deceive or lie or break their promise. Furthermore, Muslims should never take marriage and divorce lightly.

 

Responding to the question, Zeinab Al-`Alawani, instructor of f iqh and Islamic Studies, Graduate School of Islamic and Social Sciences, states the following:

 

First of all, it seems to me you were OK with your first wife from whom you got a child, so why did you practice polygamy while it is illegal in the UK?

 

Secondly, if your first wife told you previously that she is going to divorce you if you plan to get a second wife, why you did not respect her choice if you agreed with it in the first place? If you know that according to law you have to divorce your first wife before you take the second one, why did you not do it?

 

Marriage and divorce are not a game, and Almighty Allah gave the most details in the Qur'an about how solemn this contract is, especially the role of men in protecting and maintaining their wives.

 

I think you made this issue complicated and you have to accept the consequences. It seems to me that the only option you have is either to divorce one of them legally because you can only be married to one wife under the law, or to move to a country where polygamy is legal and you keep your two wives, if they accept this decision and are willing to do it.

]Salaam Brother Nur

 

What do you think of this situation that this sister and brother brought forth?

 

Wasn't he supposed to tell his wife before he marry another wife?

 

Doesn't the second wive deserve to be in a union where all secrets are out and she doesn't have to hide the fact she got married and celebrate with everyone?

 

Am sure the first wive feels deceived by her husband, when she finds out about this union.

 

Isn't marriage supposed to be about honesty and much more?

 

The reason I put this example is it happens most of the time and I understand the stance of polygamy in our religion.

 

Some people have used it as a tool to harm their first wives, to entertain themselves, satisfy their desires, and tout their ability to acquire two, three or even four wives without being qualified either financially, physically, morally or ethically for this undertaking.

 

Virtuous individuals should attest that this person is honorable and that he has not been indicted in human rights, unethical behavior, or criminal cases. The prospective husband should also be physically, socially and financially qualified to marry again and should not neglect his duties towards all of his wives and children.

 

I think that most pay attention to the whole 'Yes Islam allows polygamy, Our Muslim brothers are allowed four wives' Lakiin the rules are not being followed. You should really maybe make a thread that gives details of what is expected of our brothers and ways to go Islamically about it, because of this and families who in the first place were happy are divorcing. Allah subhanawatacala gave you (brothers) the right to marry(polygamy) four wives and their are rules to be followed, and most are abusing it.

 

"If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then (marry) only one…" (Qur’an 4:3)

Brother Nur since so many in this forum look up to you and many admire you please concentrate more on the rules of Polygamy instead of just the basic.

 

Allah Almighty knows best.

[Aaliyyah]

asalaamu alaikum,

 

Well Muslim men are allowed to have up to four wives, and as long as their four wives are content with it alhamdu lilaah it works out. But, personally speaking i will never be part of polygamous marriage. I believe every Xaliimo can find her own Farah, why bother another Xaliimo? That is just beyond me.

I recall somewhere in this forum, reading Nur stating that at 1st it is alright a husband will be content with his wife, but down the road what would the wife do? Like in 10 yrs?

I am not married yet but if I was married and 10 yrs later my husband goes “I wanna get a second wife” I will let him get his 2nd wife with my blessing CAANO IYO WIIL. But, hey that does not mean I will stick around he can hit the road :rolleyes:

 

wa salaam

[Nur]

Pacifict

 

Just finished reading, at times, I thought that counsellors need some counselling, but it comes with the turf, a plant in the wrong soil does not grow the right fruit, its a deep topic, inshallah I shall elaborate on your very thoughtful questions.

 

 

Caaliyah

 

Good comment, we should all respect each persons wish, and ours should be respected, trouble arises when wishes get entangled, any transaction has four outcomes:

 

1. I win, You lose

2. I lose, You win

3. We both lose

4. we both win

 

A good example of the third type is when a Xalimo finds out that her husband is courting or married to the second, she asks for a divorce, driven by feeling of betreyal, caring less about her choices and the future of her family, so she insists for a divorce, which she gets, and the Faarax's nightmare begins, she either leaves the kids with him to make his new marriage a living hell, or is she senses that he's got a soft spot for the kids, she black mails with visitation denials.

 

The Faarax, under this situation has three choices

 

1. If He doesnt care about kids, he would run away with the new Xalimo, but, first Xalimo will drag him tru courts the rest of his life.

2. If he cares about the kids, he would suffer humiliation, she would tell the kids how orrible their dad is, they lose all respect for their old man, and he desparately tries to cheer them up by spending with them Sundays at IHOP, with funny faces pancakes without a smile on their faces.

3. He comes back crawling on his knees, " Honey, I am sorrry" please forgive me. This last Faarax's character is pretty much destroyed, damn if he does, and damned if he doesn't. A Dangerfield for life, NO RESPECT!

 

 

The last option is indeed the best, a Faarax and a Xalimo have to do a little Cost/ Benefit analyses excercise.

 

They should list the plus and minus of their optins, give each option a weight of importance, and then make another table for measuring the regret level of forgoing each option, and then sum up the whole thing to see if it makes sense to go either way.

 

Because its a complex thing, they should start with the end in mind, specially the kids, the losers either way.

 

 

For another woman to be interested in her husband is good news, and bad, he is still desirable, but its bad because, the first xalimo may have failed to either look after him ( men are big babies) or after her own looks and appearnce ( Xalimos, once they nail the Faarax, walk around the house with a dirac that looks like a cross between the kalahari desert sandstorm and thousand islands salad dressing ( torn apart).

 

On the other hand some Faaraxs think manhood is having two balls, so they are attracted to anything that moves with a skirt, these Faaraxs do not think wth their heads, and its no their fault, the Xalimo, when he was doing his shukaansi, could tell what kind of animal is her Faarax, so she took the risk knowingly.

 

The best solution is for both parties to use a little of their heads, because, the victim is invariably the kids, and if not brought up in a loving environment, we will create new generation of warlords, and then we complain of the state of affairs, caused by love affairs that went wacky.

 

 

Nur

[Shakti]

ha ha ah Nur @ Sharing Scarce Resources ( Somali Husbands)... if anything, i would say there is abundance of highway-salhanuys faraaxs 4 more than one xalimos. so spare me

 

 

oh yeah the part about large amount of men died in the civil war.. Well i do not agree, partly becoz their were same amount hate/death subjected to women and children, if not more

 

spare me THEEE.."their is more women than men" i think its another myth made by men 2 justify their selfishness

[Haseena]

Bismillah

 

Salamu Calaykum wa Raxmatullah,

 

What an interesting topic and a very scary one to say the least. This is something that terrifies me and frightens me due to me being of a very jealous nature. I just recently got married and I have talked about this topic with my husband on a couple of occasions and every time it leaves me feeling uncomfortable. Yet you are right brother Nuur, really it is all about faith and how much one believes in the predestination no matter how hard you try if Allah has ordained for your husband to marry another one, you can never keep it from him or object to fate.

 

And another thing that hit me is I have two beautiful cousins who I love very much, one wants to get married and the other does not want to, and if there is no other good men out there for them, would I let them live alone and never get the chance to become wives and mothers? Where is my supposed love for them? I do love my husband very much and I know that a second wife is not on the agenda in the nearest future, yet I have to stop being selfish and try to be a real Muslim.

 

Non of you are true believers until you want /love for your brother what you love for your self.

 

Make duas for us sisters indeed it’s not something easy on the heart.

[Nur]

Haseena sis

 

May Allah blesss you, and reward you for the balanced words, there is no doubt that at sertain points in our lives we face stark realities that requires wisdom to deal with, for the unaffected, its easy to form an opinion out of the boxing ring, but like you, once in the marriage ring, with no coaching at your side, it really becomes sacary as you well put it.

 

The world is not a perfect place, and for our people, after 16 years of civil war, it does not take a report by Cofee Anan to confirm that their is an imbalance in matching marriage bound single women to single men. Alhamdulilah, Somalia has won the trophy of the least AIDS affected country in the world, Somalis, at least the ones back home, are the least promiscuous, which comes with the price of an alternative arrangement, Polygamy.

 

The difficult thing for the Somali sisters to balance is their personal option against a looming community problem. The Prophet SAWS once made an analogy of people on a boat, in which those at lower deck poke a whole at their side ( May be to get a scenic view) which causes the entire boat to sink. Any which way this problem is skinned, a solution of polygamy can not be ruled out, altogether, unfortunately, " NOT MY FAARAX" is invariably the common answer to this train of thought!

 

Nur

[Aaliyyah]

Haseena sister congratulations, I am so happy for u sister the fact that u got married. Since getting married is fulfilling half of yr diin, and masha-allah the fact that u are in luv with yr husband adds up to da happiness. I am really impressed at the fact that u are considering sharing yr husband, takes a lot of guts. Believe me no matter how much I tried to imagine myself in a polygamous marriage, just doesn’t work. I think of it as something impossible, since I believe every woman if strives hard enough, can find herself a man. And u said “ Non of you are true believers until you want /love for your brother what you love for your self” , that is true, and if I do get a fine husband insha-allah I would certainly want the same for my sisters, that allah helps them find a partner with the same characteristic as my spouse. As selfish as that might sounds i consider that the major reason Somali families are divorcing iz to da fact that farahs are simply not happy enough with one Xaliimo. Perhaps we Somali sisters should prevent that by making sure that we meet our husband needs in wherever form that might come. Whether it is making sure the house is tidy when he gets home, the kids look taken care for, and making sure ofcourse that when he comes home he feels that he is loved , dress in a fashionable way like making sure yr husband doesn’t lose interest in u. Simply getting kids wont be excuse enough as why u shouldn’t work on yrself , I know lota of Somalis that go “ na maxaan iska dhibaya intaso carur aan dhalee, muxu kaluu raba “. Now if a sister has that kind of attitude I wouldn’t be surprised on why a farah would look for alternatives.

 

Nur brother u made it seem that the brother simply running out of choices, that simply if he is unhappy and stays with his wife, den his life is hell. And if he chooses to get married to another den his kids from his 1st wife will s lose respect from him. I honestly don’t see it that way. If a man is not happy with his 1st wife he certainly can marry another, and if his 1st wive asks for divorce that doesn’t mean she will make sure that the kids lose respect for their father. Hypothetically speaking may allah forbid it if I get divorced and had kids from that marriage, den I would make sure that those kids met their dad as much time as possible. Since it is essential for kids to have both parents. As statistics showed kids who have both parents seem to achieve better in school, social life, and generally speaking do a lota better in many aspects of life. So believe me brother if a farah is not happy with a xaliimo, he shouldn’t use excuses that oh if I leave her den what abt my kids, unless that xaliimo is evil, den his relationship toward his kids shouldn’t change. I am not saying it is not possible for a mom to try to set her kids against their father. But in most cases I don’t believe moms do such things, since at the end of the day they aren’t really gaining anything outa of it.

 

Wa salaamu alaikum

p.s. yup u got that right not my farah , naa orad farah kale doono alle dhulkiisa wa weyyahay

[Nur]

Caaliyah sis

 

The fact that married couple go from a period of passion, to business as usual to resentment is natural. Allah says in Quran exhorting men who dislike their wives " Fa in karihtumuuhunna, fa casaa an takrahuu sheyan wa yajcala laahu fiihi kheiran katheeraa" meaning that " In case you dislike (your wives) , it is possible that you (also) dislike something while Allah has placed a lot of good in it"

 

I am in no way condoning the way some Faaraxs act. but when relationships get bitter, its not surprising that the weaker party in the relationship (Xalimo in most cases) would use the kids as a bargainig chip to her advantage. A Xalimo after reading the Faarax's mind, would either dump kids at his doors (if he is not fond of them) or deny him there visitation ( if he is fond of them), again, that is not a general rule, some fine Xalimos, like you have mentioned, are reasonable in their behaviour under such turbulent environment.

 

We need professional social workers on this forum to verify my statements, as I am an amature on this turf.

 

 

Nur

[Naden]

Nur, brother, do you think this discussion on polygamy should at least include some mention, if not an in-depth look, at the issue of orphans and their mothers? The verse on polygamy is inextricably linked to orphans and being fair/just in their care. Is there a hidden assumption that every second (or 3rd or 4th) wife is a widow w/kids that my dense mind is missing in the multiple scenarios brought up by you and the posters? If not, why is the permissability of the practice not linked to the 2 conditions in the verse: 1) fear of not managing orphans' affairs justly, 2) taking a second (or 3rd or 4th) wife - no doubt the mothers of these orphans, or else verse 3 sura 4 would not bring them up at all.

[Ms DD]

Salaam aleykum

 

It takes a woman of strength with strong iman and great character to share her husband. Most women fall short of these values which makes it hard for us to cope with sahring our husbands. Allah permitted men to marry four wives. Having read the history of the sahaabah and their marital situations, it appears that not many has conditions.

 

If i feel my husband could benefit having second wife (i.e. If i cant have baby, if i am sick, if i am living in another country), i would accept it. If babies are involved and my husband still decided to marry a second wife, i wouldnt ask for divorce and deprive my kids of a father.

 

My head tells me to accept this, but my heart wouldnt cope with it as it would drive me insanely jealous. So in the end if his second marriage had detrimental effect on our marriage (i.e. if i couldnt continue to be a raalliyo wife and neglect my wifely duties that would jeopardise a place in Jannah), i would gladly ask for a divorce. But i really would like to believe that i would have patience to endure this little test. After all earth is not our final abode and we all working for our final destination.

[Reality Check]

Here is a question:

 

If a Somali woman can't find a suitable Somali man, should she settle for an already married man or marry a suitable man from another culture?

[Aaliyyah]

asalaamu alaikum,

 

I believe that if we somali sisters try hard enough to find a suitable husband, we will be able to. ofcourse everything is calaf. But, if a somali sister thinks she cant find a somali husband, there is nothing wrong with marrying a man from another culture as long as he is Muslim. However, life is a lota easier with someone u share culture, language, and relegion.

 

wa salaaam

[Aaliyyah]

forgat to mention that u can settle for an already married man, but why would any1 wanna be a second wife?????????i personally have 2 much pride.

 

wa salaaaam