Sharing Scarce Resources ( Somali Husbands)

[Nur]

Sheherezade Sis

 

If you indeed read the intro to the thead, i doubt if you would've made the same comment, but taking you on your statement, the topic was sensationalized to beg for comments like yours, I am glad you responded.

 

For once forget the way the letter was delivered, and I apologise if it did touch a nerve or two, but, being honest, do you belive if an imbalance exisits due to a poor showing of eligible Somali bachelors, that educating these men and rehabilitating them would indeed solve the problem in TIME for suc a fast train as the marriage window of these women?

 

Please address the issue, not the method the letter was conveyed.

 

 

Xu sis

 

For a good Somali household, Somali men are the limiting factor, once you run out of qualified men, you are left out with qualified women, what would you do with them.

 

1. Let them solve theire problem, usuallly by coming between you and your husband, and usually women who play all or none game, divorce is the result, and a new wifey for the husband.

 

2. These women go the wrong way, again, that is the beginning of indecency in society, many married men are having extramarital affairs these days, because their wives wouldnt agree with a legitimate second wife, so when she refuses the second women to join the family, her husband is tempted and possibly falls as victim of his wifes fear.

 

3. We cant revive dead men but we can rehabilitate men, (takes some effort, money , Allah's blessing and TIME)

 

4. They share married men.

 

You pick a SOULution.

 

Xu sis, I am still to read a logical response for any of my questions, we are looking for a solution to a problem, let us not put our personal interest as guide for our communities problems.

 

Much respect to both.

 

 

2004 e-Nur Sociology Labs

We Attack Problems, Not People

[pearl]

nur

2. These women go the wrong way, again, that is the beginning of indecency in society, many married men are having extramarital affairs these days, because their wives wouldnt agree with a legitimate second wife, so when she refuses the second women to join the family, her husband is tempted and possibly falls as victim of his wifes fear.

 

 

victim!....oh my lord...blaming the women for his sins...when its him running around sinning.... that doesnt seem to me or anyone with common sense to blame someone of something they had no part in.....

 

the statement that"many married men are having extramarital affairs these days, because their wives wouldnt agree with a legitimate second wife"......bother stop generalizing for that is not true...there are many other major problems within the marriage that contribute to their extramarital affairs other than being refused to take a second wife....

 

the real problem is lack of being content with ones spouse...and personally if he is not content with me than neither am i with him..

[sheherazade]

Nur, I read your intro and the rest. You sensationalised it to receive a response? Right, I'll watch out for your tactics. BTW, I'll respond to anything that you post and that includes content, approach and tone if I so wish. That's the way it works on forums.

 

1. Let them solve theire problem, usuallly by coming between you and your husband, and usually women who play all or none game, divorce is the result, and a new wifey for the husband.

 

So having an organisation takes away some of the unpleasantness? It's less intimate? The organisation helps with negotiations? Still, it won't change a woman's mind- she either agrees with his wish or she doesn't. And if she doesn't there will be a problem, organisation or not.

 

2. These women go the wrong way, again, that is the beginning of indecency in society, many married men are having extramarital affairs these days, because their wives wouldnt agree with a legitimate second wife, so when she refuses the second women to join the family, her husband is tempted and possibly falls as victim of his wifes fear.

 

I understand this. I understand this one completely. It's a classic. Re-gurgitated in most cultures. The women lead the men to zina. A man is not responsible for his actions. No sirree. What a notion.

 

Did Allah allow polygamy merely for the libido of the man? The first wife pushes him into bed with the other woman, does she? Men have no responsibility for their sexual indiscretion? Of course they do! And yet they're painted as victims. He's got an itch and first wife made him have it scratched by someone else. Boohoo, the plight of the Somali man.

 

In my expereince of multi-marrying Somalis, the men just go on ahead and do it and the wife finds out through the grapevine. If something needs to be done as matter of priority it is to educate the men in our society about what being a man is. About husbandhood, fatherhood, responsibility and treating his existing family with dignity. How many men of a certain age disappear to Somalia, get themselves a teenage wife and leave a family behind? This kind of man then returns newly-wed aglow, usually after news has reached the family of his wedding, expecting to carry on where he left off. He impregnates the young girl, leaves her there, and returns to a family that's resentful.

 

How exactly are these men doing any service to the societies they live in and the societies they yo-yo back and forth from for some ego boosting?

 

3. We cant revive dead men but we can rehabilitate men, (takes some effort, money , Allah's blessing and TIME)

 

Then do it for the love of God. Who says it's easy creating balance in a society? Spreading what's good doesn't remove the existence of the bad. It creates further imbalance.

 

4. They share married men.

 

She who wants to share shall share. She who doesn't want to share gets to share too. Neither approach is new to our culture. If one of these hypothetical women wants to be wife No 2/3 of some irresitible man, all she has to do is sell the idea to the guy.

 

Does the fact that a man is financially able and in good relations with one wife mean he will maintain that state once he marries again or be able to re-create it with a new wife?

 

Do we fix what's broke or recycle what works?

[Blessed]

...still wonders what will become of the unMarried eligible brothers..... :confused:

[Charisma]

Salaam to all of you.

Now with all do respect i dont believe that organization u r talking about exists, but am sure the women exist n their number is increasing too.

N if those women like to marry married men they do it with or without(mostly) the knowledge of his first wife.

Now am not with polygamy n am not against it, coz if a guy wants to remarry there is no way for u to stop him ,even if he loves u very much.

 

Also some men get pressurized from their families to remarry coz they want more male children, n u will be suprised when i tell u that i happen to know a university prefessor who did that(we all know that any one who took bioilogy in school know its a man who has XY n its his game to get a boy or a gal). But ALLAH IS kARIIM N THE MAN GOT MORE BABY GALS (can u believe that it still scares ppl to have gals uptill this day :rolleyes: .

 

So for all our muslim bros if u want to remarry ,tell ur wife first n remember its Allah who gives male or female child.

[Nur]

Sheherezade and Luul (Pearl)

 

 

Ok, I get the message, your argument would has been more believeable if you have placed part of the blame on women, part on men. We all know that when men run away from home that it is not always their fault, as your responses imply, some men simply dont get what they've bargained for in marriage, wife is no longer paying attention to her husband, she may not be taking care of herself and his interests, and may, just may be some men do not take the time to go for marraige counselling, or facing their wives with their concers. But I fully agree with you that a lot of Somali men out there are not cut out for the job of husband, and I am not blaming women for their mistakes, these men should not get a second wife, good men should get a second wife, men who can show that they have succeeded in taking good care of their first wife well. These are the men, Sister Khadija's organization are after, so let lucky Somali wives share their good husbands so the good sisters dont have to put up with the bad ones.

 

As for Single Eligible Somali men, They are a target segment for the organization, the only concern of the members is that they would rather marry model husbands who have a track record, like 5 babies and a happy wife.

 

 

Nur

[sheherazade]

I look around and I don't see any Somali man that has it together(financially or otherwise) finding himself another wifey. It's the ones who don't that are the first in line. I don't know what motivates these men to find another wife, what encourages them or aggravates them into it. Bottom line, even if the wife is neglectful of the husband, his sneaking out and getting another wife and leaving a trail of resentment and disorder can't be condoned. You can't right a wrong with a wrong. And u can't fix one relationship with another.

 

5 babies. Do you know what hard work it is raising 5 children? What age should the youngest child be before the ideal father can go father some more with another woman? Only a man that is not emotionally involved with the upbringing of his children will consider fathering more so easily. My take.

[Nur]

Sheherezade

 

you write:

 

5 babies Do you know what hard work it is raising 5 children?

 

At dawn she prepares breakfast for school eaged kids, and hubby, she feeds all, drops them at school and work respectively, swings by nearby Dry Cleaners, leaves clothes, then to the supermarket where she flies through the isles all the way to the cash register, then to the bank to pay bills, on her way back she picks daily paper, and stops at the her babies paediatrician, pcik up some medicines at the drug stor, pick up paper and some gardening tools for hubby, and she comes home to catch on her sitcom, while cleaning the mess she left behind, cleaning bathrooms, kitchen, living room, bedroom, then to the washer and dryer, she dusts the furniture, and draperies, Quran playing in the background, puts groceries in refriegerator, takes meat outta freezer, thaws it while cutting vegies, prepares meals for cooking later, keeps an eye on toddler who is test driving her new set of teeth, occasionally used as vacuum cleaner, giving bath and throwing in new diapers, then she takes the baby to the Doctor for emergency after swallowing some chemicals, back to the kitchen, food is ready, geenie goes to pick up kids from school, drops them back at home, checks their bags, reads teacher notes, helps them with homework, dad, is back and all are at lunch table, once food is done, everyone jumps to help cleaning dishes, while she chats with other Xalimos, and dad takes a nap, he is outta door to eat Qat with his friends, and she is taking kids for afternoon Quran lessons, she is back by 9, makes everyone prepare for tomorrow, puts them in pajamas, teeth cleaned thoroughly, and a bedtime story for each kid, then she takes a warm bath and she is in bed by 10, husband drops by at 11, and is watching late TV programs, a dn that is only in a simple day without complications.

 

You see Sheherezade, I how involved that man was is his kids:)

 

 

Nur

[MR ORGILAQE]

Nur i am sorry but that picture you so kindly painted for us is nowhere near the real picture.

Typical day for a husband namely me begins at 5.30 am when we all wake up for Salatul subhi.We pray and i help get the kids ready. By 6.30 i am away gone for work,while she takes them to school.I spend the whole day at work calling her occasionaly to make sure everything is okay.I get back at around 7-7.30 in the evening and help the kids have dinner and help them with school homework etc and they go to bed.It aint all that hard i am sorry to say.Yes she does drop them at school and pick them up and prepare food,cleaning etc but we men bust our a$$es all day at work as well and the do enjoy spending the proceeds of our hard work thank you very much.So kindly stop painting us husbands in a bad light when that is not the case.everyone has a part to play and we dont complain about our part why should they?.

[sheherazade]

I know plenty of families where the father is as involved as Nur describes. It's tragic. Nur are you suggesting that since he's not that involved anyway, no one will miss his presence?

 

Orgilaqe, you sound resentful of your wife's easy life. How about you and she swap day time chores?

[MR ORGILAQE]

Orgilaqe, you sound resentful of your wife's easy life. How about you and she swap day time chores

 

 

Sheherazade i said i wasnt complaining now when did that turn to resentment?.

[Seeking Paradise]

Khadiijo Wanaagdoon.

Chairperson

Khadija Wanagdoon is a homebreaker...and she should stay out of my path if she knows what's good for her.

 

On top of the above, some of our members can scare away potential suitors for their

exceptional good looks

, If they were not committing to their faith, these ladies could

hypnotize

any man including your husband, but they wouldn't for Allah's sake

How nice! (<---sarcasm alert).

[bilan]

salaam

i read both parts of this subject,but for some reason nur you do not take their(women) emotions into account. when men are allowed to marry more than one, was after the battle of uhud, and there were a lot of widows and orphans that needed someone to take care of them, but that is not the case these days,men marry because they need to feel young again. i was reading a book by muhammad qutb,and he said that actually islam does not encourage polygamy,and he really made good points. but why do we have to argue about it. men have the right to marry more than one,women have the right not to be one of them.women are different some can accept it and others can not. plus somali men are not scarce.

[sheherazade]

Orgilaqe, your words..

 

It aint all that hard i am sorry to say.Yes she does drop them at school and pick them up and prepare food,cleaning etc but we men bust our a$$es all day at work as well and the do enjoy spending the proceeds of our hard work thank you very much.

[MR ORGILAQE]

sheherazade you forgot to add the following which were also my words

 

 

everyone has a part to play and we dont complain about our part why should they?.