Sharing Scarce Resources ( Somali Husbands)

[Passion_4_Fashion]

Nur ninkaaga naag kale laqeebso sheekadi eheed maad soo celisay? wey igu adag tahay inaan aamino inaad weli sheekadi sii dabo socotit.

 

anyway, aniga waan ka qeyb qaatay sheekadaan markii ey horeysay and believe me hadaad tii hore gadaal uugu noqotit waxaad ka arkeysaa qufka kaa soo horjeeday from bilaawgi illaa iyo dhamaadki inuu ani ahaay....marka waxaan umaleenayaa inaad garan kartit jawaabteyda waxa ey noqon korto.....

 

ps.....tii hore ku noqo....sidaad ii garatit

 

Is maqal damboo xiisa leh!

[-Lily-]

I think what this organisation is suggesting isn't something that will work for everyone, but for those who are happy to share that is good for them.

 

HOWEVER, what they forget is that we are mere mortals, not prophets or angels. There was a reason only certain people were chosen to be prophets. The life they are painting would only work for people with perfect iman, perfect patience, perfect sense of humanity and charity. That is not the reality. The truth is there are not many people who wouldn't make a mess out of such a union. Better to stay single and grow into a spinster. Maybe some of us where destined to be alone forever.

[Garyaqaan2]

BISMILAAHI RAXMAANI RAXIIN

 

 

ALISALEEBAAN IS READ <.........

 

 

BUT LET ME CHECK WITH MY WIFE IF SHE IS OKEY WITH COUSE SHE IS THE MANNEGER OF THE HOUSE. IS UP TO HER IF SHE WANT TO HIRE ANOTHER ONE FOR ME :cool: EVENTHOUGH WE TALK ABOUT THAT ME GOING TO SOMALIA AND GETING ANOTHER WIFE. ALXAMDULILAAH THIS IS SHORT CUT FOR ME.

[Nur]

WaterLily sis

 

you write: " HOWEVER, what they forget is that we are mere mortals, not prophets or angels. There was a reason only certain people were chosen to be prophets ."

 

 

The fact that we are mortals is precisely the reason for being tested to do the right things that our souls hate most, do you think enteri ng paradise is a picnic. No one has ever suggested that Islam can only be practiced by prophets only, and that only prophet households can practice polygamy, far from truth, reality is that we have grown alien to our own faith to the point that it is far easier for many "Muslims" to co-habitate in sin, than accept polygamy as a solution.

 

You write:

 

" The life they are painting would only work for people with perfect iman, perfect patience, perfect sense of humanity and charity. That is not the reality "

 

So are you suggesting since there are no Somalis with perfect iimaan, that we should not think about polygamy as a solution to the growing imbalance of marriage bound Somali couples?

 

You Write:

 

The truth is there are not many people who wouldn't make a mess out of such a union .

 

I agree, and the same statement is true for monogamous marriages.

 

You Write:

 

" Better to stay single and grow into a spinster "

 

That is only feasible if you are angel ,with no carnal desires, Or if you are able to fast like Prophet Daud CS, every other day.

 

 

Nur

[-Lily-]

You make good points but life is already a hard test why would anyone choose a life wich tests us even more? And don't say to please Allah because Allah has given us a choice. Like you said, a marrige between two people is hard enough work, how much harder will it be when it is between 3,4,or 5? I like a peaceful life not one riddeled with stresses one can avoid.

[Maymuunah]

Qoute

3. One day he came home and said " Honey, I want you to know that I love you, and that I am also taking another wifey, in Somalia, she is 18 year old girl, one of eight sisters, and a qaraabo of mine, she is of great character and faith, I need your blessing "

 

LOOOOOL nur you have put it so sweet I think I would have fainted..qalaf ( I couldn't resist i had to answer even thought i know you have asked female fatale)

18 aaa? at least it would have been less traumatizing if she wasn't older than me. you know what I always used to think that i am stronger and can deal with situations like these more calmly but the more you bring them back the more it sounds scarry and unthinkable. don't push me further i think i have one door open in the coming future...and who knows my response would have been something like this...OOH HONEY EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS HEARING THIS FROM YOU AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, NEVERTHELESS MY BLESSINGS(HABAAR) ARE WITH YOU.

by the way nur I always used to think that men who go to somalia and marry there and leave a young girl a lone for a year or so are very unfair to the wife they leave behind. where is the fairness in it? let us say he stays with his first wife four years and pays a visit once in a year or two to the other. that is not cadaalad to me and it sickens me to hear that a member of our family has a wife here and also in africa but hasn't been there for four years. she even have two little girls and they don't know their dad while the ones here see him every passing hour. I would have adviced men not to marry back home unless they are willing to bring her with him.

[Passion_4_Fashion]

^^loooooooool at your habaar being with him.....I hear ya sister

 

Nur, aniga walaahi ma fahansani sababta loola rabo gabar reerkeeda dhaqaneeso dhibaato cir iyo dhul buuxin karta. wallee waa cajaa'ib.....dumarki ma sidaas bey u qiima beeleen. :confused:

[Strawberry_Xu]

Originally posted by Nur:

XU sis

 

you write:

 

 

"

A lot of muslim men are just as fanatic in promoting polygamy as an obligation or natural institution as women who are promoting it as some deviant arrangement ."

 

I promise, I am not one of them men!

Never said you were, but I'm responding to the men who are complaining about the objections of women to polygamy.

 

 

XU Writes

 

"

First of all, God made it halaal. There is no point denying that, the Holy Quran is very clear on that, and the ladies need to understand that discouraging other women from becoming a second wife based purely on your own feelings is very intolerant

."

 

However, you men need to understand had Allah (SWT) wanted to encourage men to marry multiple wives, the Quran would have been more clear about it

.

 

 

No hard feelings but this statment seems as total contradiction with the first one. The audience are my witnesses

.

 

There's no contradiction at all. I'm just underlining, that though polygamy is halaal it is not encouraged otherwise the Holy Quran would have been more explicit about it. Some Somali men are always saying that because it is halaal, one cannot object to it. It's like saying that even though meat is halaal, one cannot refuse to eat it or even object to the idea of eating it. As long as you don't object to other people eating it.

 

 

XU Writes

"

Polygamy was offered as an alternative to monogamous marriage. It is more natural for a man to marry one women, why else do you think this is more prevalent amongst muslim men who otherwise could afford more wives

?"

 

 

I agree, that when we have a balanced society, not in civil strife, wars, druga and qaat infested society, the one wife one hisband is natural, however when as in present situation there is a lack of proper correspondence of desirable couples, polygamy is more natural, other alternatives are to deny other women achance to have a family if we lock every man to a single woman.

 

I don't deny that polygamy can be a solution to this imbalance. However, as long as we make it clear that it's not a solution that will work for everyone. Another solution could be to marry muslim brothers from other countries.

 

XU writes

 

"

Muslim men need to stop questioning a woman's imaan when she refuses to share her husband. People are not automatically charity currency, If you have 8 children and your neighbour has none because she can't have any, would you question the imaan of the woman who doesn't want to give up a child?

 

The analogy of a woman with 8 children and a woman with no children is not right, you cant share chidren, but you can share husbands, at least that what you wrote in the first paragraph if I am correct.

Yes you can share children, some women do it when they can't handle the pressure. A husband is sometimes as dear to a woman's heart as her own children, a husband is family, someone deserving of the highest love other than Allah and then your parents. Islam permits sharing children, simply because it doesn't forbid it. A woman who allows another woman to raise her child out charity is surely deserving of the same reward as the woman who shares her husband out of charity. Yet, you don't hear objections when women refuse to share their children with childless sisters.

 

"

Another solution to the imbalance of compatible somali partners, is to educate the other faraaxs. I don't see the point of keeping the best marriage candidates restricted to each other. Why not spread them out a little? It's more likely that a good partner will have a good influence on a lesser partner, than the other way around

."

 

 

This solution is a long term solution, meantime, sisters need a practical solution here and now. As for spreading good women to marry less desirable men, would you go first to marry and educate a Qat chewer, who uses abusive language and who had a rough street life?

To be honest, personally (notice the emphasis on personally) I find that idea as objectionable as becoming a second/third wife.

 

"

You also make the mistake of referring to husbands as resources. A husband is not just a means to have children. I'm sure many marriages are conducted with only this purpose, but the vast majority are not. You forget about love

."

 

 

Allah wants earth to populated by good people, it takes good people to breed other good people, so as a bribe, marriage was built on Mawddah and Raxmah, Love and affection, for a purpose beyound that love. Love is just a mean, not an end on its own, its like a bait for a fish, how many people yoy know would put up with marriage if there was no love in it?

Fine, we agree on that then. However, many people have different perceptions of love, and it rarely includes other people.

 

 

"

Personally I passionately believe in love and the idea of soulmates. If I love my husband more than any other man on earth, if I dedicate myself to him and no other, don't you think it's hurtful when he doesn't feel the same way

?

 

 

I second you that feeling, but I train all of my love to Allah, that way, Allah makes others love me , like he said in Quraan "

Inna ladiina aamanuu wa camiluu as saalixaati sayajcalu lashumu Arraxmaanu WUDDA (LOVE

)" If you love a mortal or worldly goods you will suffer pain when you loose them which is a sure thing, but of you confine your love to Allah SWT alone

I agree, however loving another is still natural. And before you start saying that pride, jealousy, greed and anger are also natural, remember that unlike those qualities, love is the best of qualities when it doesn't exceed the love for Allah (swt).

 

But then again, you'll probably say that love of any other thing exceeds the love of Allah. :rolleyes:

 

 

"

I'm not a demanding person, I only have one wish in this world and that is to love in the most intimate and passionate way and have that love returned. I don't see how it makes me a bad sister if I stick to that dream.

"

 

 

You sound like my past robotics professor " I am not a demanding professor, "

all I expect from you Nur is that you understand the whole book, end to end"

 

 

Lower your expectations in this world, and I wil guarantee you happiness, expect less of people, give them, and do not take from them, honor them and do not expect them to honor you. It is better to be surprised with occassional good news, then to be let down when you hold people higher than a mortal, Only Allah SWT will stand with you, not a human, find peace with him, and share what you got, with those less fortunate, if its yours, it will remain with you, if not, it wasnt meant for you to begin with.

 

My wish is not that much, it's a small personal desire in the life of one who desires to help her brothers and sisters in many other ways. The love between two people is the most the most basic thing, it has nothing to do with having high expectations, but with having the basic, most natural assumption of a relationship.

 

Peace and Love to you too.

[Strawberry_Xu]

Originally written by Beard:

 

Although a husband has to consult his first wife when he desires to marry a second one, the chances of getting a positive answer is so small, there is no need bothering.

 

If I was married to any of the negative sisters above I would simply over rule them and go ahead.

You good sir, are the reason why so many Somali women object to polygamy.

 

Why even bother to ask a woman's opinion on a second marriage, when all you want is a positive answer?? If you're going to overrule your wife anyway, why bother with the pretence and ignore her opinion like all the other unworthy Somali men. Your blatant disregard for your wife's opinion is disgusting if you don't mind me saying.

 

So you marry another woman, with your wife objecting to it, then what? You have a household of conflict and strife? Of petty arguments that hide bigger conflicts? What kind of child will you raise, when they witness the betrayal of their mother on her face every single day?

 

Luckily she has the right to object to a second marriage, and seek a divorce if such an arrangment doesn't suit her.

 

A woman has no right to outlaw what Allah(subhana wa ta'ala) has permitted. If she is prone to jealousy, just pray for her as the prophet(salalahu caleyhi wa salam) did.

This is the problem right there! People have a right not to do something, even though it is halaal as long as it's not compulsory.

 

She is not preventing other women from having a polygamous marriage, she is not even saying it is a bad sort of marriage. All she is saying is that she doesn't want it for herself.

 

For example. Would you say that a man who refuses to marry another woman, though his wife is encouraging it, is OUTLAWING something that's halaal, or is merely expressing an OPNION and a PREFERENCE???

[Nur]

XU sis

 

different Strokes, for Different Folks! No problem in your viewpoint of not wanting to share your hubby as a choice. But if I have to share with you an advice, please remember that your choice of monopoly of your husband is only limited with the temporal wish of your hubby, his views may change in time, and at that point he will face a dilemma, to stick with you against his desire to take a second, or risk divorce and break up of a family with potential unhappy ending for both of you plus the kids.

 

So if you walk the isle and get married, take a calculated risk, but be prepared that neither you nor your husband pull the strings in matters of marriage, birth, income or death. Your are mere pieces of a game called life, with many surprises in store for all of us, happy days and sad days, wealth and poverty, strength and weakness, all are coming like waves, the best bthing we can do in face of these changes is to learn how to adjust and adapt, because those who didnt, have persihed before and they are assured the same fate for those who do not adapt to changing times.

 

Marriage is only a mean for a higher goal, you can opt for having it your way or non, but life is not black and white and all wishes do not come true here. Impornatnt thing is worship of Allah and work hard for your akhira, where you are guaranteed all your wishes to come true. That is why I am an activist in this medium, to earn enough credits to barely make it to Dar El Salaam, Paradise, I cant wait for the other Xu urul Ceyn in Jannah.

 

May Allah Make All of Your Wishes And That of Other Sisters Come True.

 

 

Nur

[NGONGE]

As with most other discussions on nearly all forums and message boards on the net, when a topic is raised, the majority of the participants deal with it in relation to themselves! Abused children, how does that relate to me? Killed innocents, where do I fit in? Single mothers, do I have a relative who is a single mother? Am I a single mother? Polygamy, would I agree with it? Do I think it’s right?

 

Now, I’m not saying that a certain level of personal attachment to a subject is wrong or even undesirable, however, at times, making the subject too personal clouds the mind and blinkers the judgment!

 

First of all, let me give my “personal†view on the topic. I personally wouldn’t want to have a second wife anytime soon (in twenty years time, maybe) but for the time being, I do not think that I can cope with two wives (this is not a reflection on my current spouse or even my non-existent second wife). This is more to do with a feeling that I’m not up to the task at all (too much responsibility as it is). There is also an element of selfishness here, things not being broke and not needing fixing! Having said that, I never know what tomorrow brings and what new opportunities and challenges I’ll be faced with, so I’ll never say never.

 

Now, to detach myself from the topic and quarantine any personal feelings and misgivings that I might have about it, and to view it in the way its author intended it, I believe it to be a great project. The reasons for such a “project†to crop up are all true, the ingredients are all there and the benefits (or even hazards) are much better than the alternatives!

 

Of course, these “solutions†will not apply to all and seeing that there are hardly any married female regulars in this site, they’re not likely to have been an attempt at twisting their arms (so to speak). For those that such words might apply, this is an opportunity to ponder the situation with a few facts and words of wisdom from our resident sage. The final decisions still remain yours!

 

As for the single boys and girls declaring their total opposition (or otherwise), well, what can I say but ask you to all gather round and pay attention, for it’s story time:

 

 

The Milkmaid and Her Pail

 

 

Patty the Milkmaid was going to market carrying her milk in a

Pail on her head. As she went along she began calculating what

she would do with the money she would get for the milk. "I'll buy

some fowls from Farmer Brown," said she, "and they will lay eggs

each morning, which I will sell to the parson's wife. With the

money that I get from the sale of these eggs I'll buy myself a new

dimity frock and a chip hat; and when I go to market, won't all

the young men come up and speak to me! Polly Shaw will be that

jealous; but I don't care. I shall just look at her and toss my

head like this. As she spoke she tossed her head back, the Pail

fell off it, and all the milk was spilt. So she had to go home

and tell her mother what had occurred.

 

"Ah, my child," said the mother,

 

 

"Do not count your chickens before they are hatched."

 

 

Source

[- Femme -]

Originally posted by Nur:

Femme Fatale sis

 

A question: Given the following assumptions:

 

1. There are More single women than men in Somali Community( Forget widows for now)

 

2. Your Somali husband is very fair and considerate, he has always been honest, and never done you any harm.

 

3. One day he came home and said "

Honey, I want you to know that I love you, and that I am also taking another wifey, in Somalia, she is 18 year old girl, one of eight sisters, and a qaraabo of mine, she is of great character and faith, I need your blessing

"

 

Femme sis, what would be your response?

 

Nur

Serioulsy, I dont know what I'd do. But I wouldnt put myself in that situation in the first place. I wouldnt deny a man his right to have more than one wife...thats why I'd choose one who would be content with one.

 

Ngonge: I didnt like your little tale at all. The outcome of the story is irrelevant. THe point is that the milkmaid is a smart girl who thinks ahead. She should be praised for that.

[Nur]

Femme sis

 

you write:

 

... thats why I'd choose one who would be content with one

 

 

......At first that may be true, but down the road of life, say some 10 years, comes the trouble, any plans? :confused:

 

 

Nur

[sheherazade]

Let me get this straight: there's a derth of good Somali men so instead of working on the ones who could be better, this organistaion opts to help the good Somali man spread some of his good loving around?

 

Please.

 

If there's a problem with men drifting from their faith, then you create an organisation to help draw them back. You don't send patronising letters to wives, detailing the CVs of themselves patronised wanna-be wives.

 

Nur, my bro, this is the most patronsing piece I've read in a long time and I read a LOT. If there's a problem you deal with it head on, you don't try to side-step it and work around it. No woman would have written the letter you penned- not if she wants results. A woman's psyche is not easily mimicked.

[Strawberry_Xu]

^^I agree

 

On top of the above, some of our members can scare away potential suitors for their exceptional good looks, If they were not committing to their faith, these ladies could hypnotize any man including

your

husband, but they wouldn't for Allah's sake

This alone would turn me against the women, the arrogance.