first night

[FatB]

ok, so you just got married to gabar soomaali ah, and you have been raised in the "west" how does one approch... you know, the wife and overcome the awkwardness? and more importantly is there some islamic precedent that ought to be followed?

[Nur]

First rule: Dont fall asleep!

 

Yes There is Sunnah procedure, I am in hury now, but inshAllah will post soon.

 

Nur

[FatB]

lol why is that so funny.... fall asleep indeed

[rudy-Diiriye]

yah..nur hook us up! and plz explain to us what the hell is meher 2???? i had no idea...and once when i asked that in the middle of my engagement i had to stop everything with like 50 ppl watching, grab my cell phone and call the gal.. wazzup with this...? that ruined it... everything just went down hill so fast i couldnt believe it.

 

it wasnt kol..i wish that i was educated about it.

[Chocolate and Honey]

Really, Rudy. You didnt know Meher? Never heard of it, never discussed it?

[Nur]

Fatboy bro.

 

eNuri suggested you seek help way before getting married to a Xalimo, specially if she is raised in Kurtunwaarrey and you are from Missouri.

 

The Marriage journey starts with a duaa, a sincere supplication to Allah SWT in which you pray for the right Xalimo who will be the mother of your offspring, so that after two centuries you make a difference in Somalia by the way you have raised your kids, and in turn theirs and so on.

 

There are many aspects of a Marriage that you need to master to be certified before getting an eNuri " Fit For Marriage Certifice" From Somaliaonline, below are key areas to be mastered.

 

1. Ibadah ( Worship): Dont Get In Bed With A Halimo Without It.

 

2. Family Background Research and selection; ( selecting your kids future grannies, aunties and uncles).

 

3. Marriage Proposal and Courtship Etiquette(Khutbah)

 

4. Wedding Cerimony and Requirements ( Meher etc.)( Aqd Al Nikah).

 

5. Wedding Party ( Waleemah).

 

6. First Night.

 

7. The day After.

 

8. Honey Moon.

 

9. Real Life After Honey Moon.

 

10. Husband/ Wife Role in a marriage.

 

 

Coming back to your question, how to approach the Xalimo, I assume that you have already crossed many traffic lights, so lets salvage some love and affection from this point on.

 

Here is the list for the first night for a Sunnah Compliant APPROACH topics. Let me know at which level you are on.

 

1. Duaa and Adhkaar to be invoked.

2. Greeting.

3. The Gift, what, how and when.

4. Eye and soul Contact.

5. Smile ( The unspoken language of intimacy).

6. Kind Words

7. Soft Touching and holding hands.

8. Kissing

9. Art of Listening

10. Message of a Massage, how she likes it.

11. Humor Power ( follows above)

12. The .......................................

 

 

Now, each of the above areas has a Sunnah compliant methodology to follow, and can be a tipic on its own.

 

 

To illustrate potential cultural diferences between a western rasied Xaliimo and a rer baadiye Faarax On the Kissing subject!

 

A Somali man fom the Baadiye was once asked if he kisses his wife, here was his answer:

 

" Agah! Ma Musxaf baa?"

 

In Surprise he wondered: " Kiss a wife? Is she a copy of Holy Quraan?"

 

 

Nur

[FatB]

ok you've lost me, brake it down for me and my LA friend rudy....

 

for starters, am far from approching anybody at this stage, but say tomorrow if i saw a beutiful huny - wat would i do, wat comes firt...all the way to the first nite.

[Nur]

Well, the first thing is to findout if she is looking or not, if she is looking, the next step is to have your family do the due diligence and based on their findings, if all is well, they propose on your behalf ( in Somali, waa laguu doonay) if her family accepted ( waa lagu siiyey) in such a meeting elders of rer Qansax tribe will do the rituals, after which a meeting will be held bewteen the two of you, in the presence of her family, if the chemistry is right, the Nikaax date is set and preparations begin. From here follow the thread above.

 

 

Nur

[Haneefah]

Originally posted by Nur:

" Agah! Ma Musxaf baa?"

That was hilarious, br Nur. I'm sure that's more of a constructed myth though, no? I really think reer miyi are a lot more clever than they project.

 

Fatboy, with all due respect why are you dwelling on this topic if you're neither married nor in the process? Besides, there are books written by ancient scholars explaining the 'sunnah' approach which you could read in your own privacy instead of questioning about it in a public forum.

[FatB]

^lol, its the one area on islam that i lack sufficient knowledge...besides i like picking at nurs cravas of knowledge, its easier to lean from him than immense myself in books....

 

ok so nur, am with you to the part of asking for the girls hand... the the Nikaax date, wat happenes then? is that when the dowry is given?

[rudy-Diiriye]

4. Wedding Cerimony and Requirements ( Meher etc.)( Aqd Al Nikah).

 

so who gets this money!! or is it just the wadaads pocket money...ching ching.

 

Me get no money!! how come... i marry an american

her family pays for it. just wondering.

 

i live in city with few somalis... so break it down plz brotha Nur. is there any online faqs?

[winnie]

^^^ do you seriously not know?

 

the maher belongs to the bride, she gets to decide what it is, and what to do with it.

the purpose is to ascertain the man's seriousness about the relationship he is undertaking. marriage, in islam, is a legal contract, and to seal the contract a gift is given.

the gift can take many forms (money, jewlery, even quran), there is no limit, but common sense says if the girl likes the guy, she wont make it absolutely difficult for him to meet the maher demands.

like i said earlier, the gift's purpose is to gage seriousness about marriage, and also to have an idea of what the man's finances are like. what can(t) he afford?

it doesnt include the wedding party, and things like that; this is something the bride can help out in paying.

also, back home, its sometimes still custom that the parents decide what the maher is, and htey keep it. this is incorrect. her parents, as guardians can advise her, and even ask for the gift, but they cant usurp it. i think, however, that a vast majority of girls just give it to their parents out of custom, especially if the parents are in somalia, but I hope they know its an act of charity if they do that, not an obligation.

 

in some places in the world, the bride and her family is expected to pay a dowry. this is not a part of islam. in islam, it is a woman' right, not a privilege, to be provided for and protected by her husband. the mentality behind the woman and her family giving a dowry is that a woman should be grateful beyond limit that there is man taking her in; women in those cultures are seen as burdens. europe north america followed this custom for a long time as well.

this is not to say that we shouldnt be grateful for the many things people do for us, especially our spouses, but we should recognize the God given rights people have, and the responsibilty you have towards them as well.

 

an easier way to think of it, is to compare it to wedding rings. in america, the man is expected to give the woman he plans on marrying a ring. there is big hoopla about how to present it the first time, what size it is...diamonds are just steeped with meaning nowadays. extract all the marketing behind this, the wedding ring serves the same purpose as a maher, except in islam the bride to be decides what she wants. no surprises, no disappointed face, no exchanges.

[Seekknowledge]

12. The .......................................

 

What :confused: Start from duaa again?

[FatB]

" do you seriously not know?"

 

i once broke a kids jaw for asking that question!

[FatB]

3. The Gift, what, how and when

 

??