My laughs

[Ms MoOns]

Aaliyyah;729248 wrote:

lool I don't think thats true...usually girls stand up for each other.

 

salaam

Looll, I know, but that was the title that came with it.

[Ms MoOns]

My wife stood before me and had some items in front of her. Without a word, she picked up and emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

 

So my wife then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

 

She then picked up a bag of sand and proceeded to pour it into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

 

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car.

 

The sand is everything else. The small stuff. You X-box, FootBall, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

 

I was dumbfounded. Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?

 

That's the only thing he got out of the whole story, loooool

[Ms MoOns]

I'm 20 years old and I can't get a better job than at a fast food place, its the only place that will hire a high school graduate. I'm socially awkward, and my only co-worker hates me. I'd complain, but my boss only cares about money. I'd leave, but I can't pass my driving test, or any other test I've taken. I'm in love with a friend, she's a smart, athletic, gorgeous southern belle, but I'm stuck in the friend zone. And I'm sure my only other friend hangs around with me because he's mentally retarded. And to top it all off, I live in a pineapple under the sea.

 

Guess who?

[Ms MoOns]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tests your memory

 

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

 

4. There is a river you do not have a boat and it is used by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

I got 1 out of 4

[Ms MoOns]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully!

Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?

 

If your answer is:

 

Lion = you're dull

Chimpanzee = you're a moron

Giraffe = you're a complete iidiot

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupiid

 

COCONUT TREES HAVE NO BANANAS!!!

 

[iI guess I'm hopelessly stupiid lol, can't believe I didn't see that[/i]

[Ms MoOns]

"I wasn't that drunk last night."

"Dude you were yelling at my cat asking him why he killed Mufasa."

 

LOL, Lion King

[Ms MoOns]

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one shouted to the other, "Are you a baby boy or a baby girl?"

"I don't know the other replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well I do," said the first baby crawling into the other baby's crib to find out.

He got carefully got himself over in the other baby's crib then quickly disappeared underneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes he resurfaced with a big smile on his face.

"You're a little girl and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're so clever!" replied the girl. But how can you tell?"

 

"It's quite easy," replied the boy.

"You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

 

Aaawh cute

[Ms MoOns]

A professor is sent to the darkest part of Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

 

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

 

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

 

LOL, subxanallah, what a weirdo.

[Jacaylbaro]

[Ms MoOns]

I got arrested last night but it was the police officer's fault.

He asked, "Do you know why you've been pulled over sir?"

So I said, "Is it because you are weak of character and you feel that by becoming a police officer you can somehow find a way to overcome the years of bullying that you suffered at the hands of your classmates, your mother and your cruel older sister. Yet despite your desire to wear a uniform that lends a certain amount of power to its wearer you feel that the only way that it will truly make you feel like a man rather than the dickless piece of shit you are is to avoid trying to arrest the real criminals who go up and down the country raping and murdering in case they resist arrest, and instead concentrate on good, honest citizens like me who you think will be soft targets?"

 

I thought it was as good an answer as any, but it turns out that the right answer was, 'speeding'.

 

 

Brilliant

[Ms MoOns]

THESE WERE ACTUALLY SAID IN A COURTROOM

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

 

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

A: Yes, voodoo.

 

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

 

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

 

The bolded ones are my favourites. Aaah, I love stupiidity.

[Ms MoOns]

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child.

 

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

 

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

 

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

 

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

 

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”

 

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

 

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

[Ms MoOns]

BELIEVE IT OR NOT - These are REAL 911 Calls!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupiid.

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you iidiot! This is her husband!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn ... I think I’m going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

[Ms MoOns]

It is a story about a girl. Whilst at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there and then.

 

A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

 

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

 

DON'T Scroll down until you have thought what your own answer is to this question!!!!!

 

Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

 

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly.

If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.

If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.

 

 

Loooll, alhmdl I don't think like a psychopath. Who answered it correctly?

[Ms MoOns]

CARDS TO SEND WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP GOES BAD:

 

You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.

 

When I met you, I thought about becoming a Satanist, but then I decided that worshipping you could give you the wrong idea about our relationship.

 

I know how to push all my wife's buttons... now if I could only find the one marked OFF!

 

I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

 

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: what the F@!% was I thinking?

 

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly @ss.

 

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

 

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

 

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

 

When we first met I was anti-abortion. I've changed my mind.