My laughs

[Ms MoOns]

SMART STUDENT

 

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

 

A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

 

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know WHO I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” The student asked again.

“No, and I don’t care.” Replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

[Ms MoOns]

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER:

 

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,they will call each other, Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they affectionately refer to each other as, fat ***, godzilla and four eyes.

 

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will throw in $20,even though the bill is $32.50. And none of them will want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators!

 

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, just because its on sale.

 

BATHROOM: A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap and a towel.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS: A woman always has the last word.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one that finds such a man.

 

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he never does.

A man marries a woman expecting she will never change, but she always does.

 

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL: Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows all about dentist appointments,romances, best friends and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware there are short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same things!

[Ms MoOns]

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental."

 

But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife.

 

The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?"

Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat *** over, I'd hump you like a dog!"

[Ms MoOns]

A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, Her husband died. Again, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

 

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

 

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied "I think he means her legs."

[Ms MoOns]

EPIC

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you for money!"

 

Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

 

To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, ''What do you mean, $200?''

[Ms MoOns]

Jaceyl xad dhaaf or just an excuse? looooll

 

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, “Betty, have you ever cheated on me?”

Betty replies, “Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question.”

“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”

 

“Well, all right. Yes, three times…”

“Three?!? Well, when were they?” he asked.

 

“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan? But, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can’t be too upset about that. Well, when was number 2?”

 

“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself?”

“Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that?” “So, all right then, when was number 3?”

 

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 375 votes short?”

[Ms MoOns]

Try to appreciate thoughtfulness!

 

Husband comes home with some flowers.

Wife says "Now I have to open my legs don't I? "

Husband says "What? Don't we have a vase?"

[Ms MoOns]

Take THAT!

 

The newly-weds are in their honeymoon sweet and the groom decides to let his bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her.

 

He says, "Put those on.", the bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."

He replies, "And don't you forget that! I will always wear the pants in this family!"

 

The bride then takes of her underwear and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies, "I can't get into your underwear!", the wife then says, "And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

[Ms MoOns]

wyre;716609 wrote:

Wax kusoo dar

Waa lugu soo daray!

I reckon this is enough for some time!

[Jacaylbaro]

ms moons;716883 wrote:

try to appreciate thoughtfulness!

 

husband comes home with some flowers.

Wife says "now i have to open my legs don't i? "

husband says "what? Don't we have a vase?"

 

 

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

[Ms MoOns]

^ hihi

[Ms MoOns]

Boy goes to a strip club;

His mom gets angry and asks him:

"Did u see anything there that you were not supposed to see?''

Boy: ''Yes, I saw dad.''

[Ms MoOns]

My girlfriend told me I was insensitive and I should see things from a woman's point of view.

 

...

 

So I looked out the kitchen window.

[Ms MoOns]

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS:

 

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

 

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

 

Question 2:

Say it is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

 

Candidate A associates with crooked politicians, and consults with anthologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B was kicked out of office twice sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs

 

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

 

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

 

And by the way, if you said yes to answer the abortion question, you just killed Beethoven.

 

Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a person think before judging someone.

Remember amateurs built the ark ... Professionals built the Titanic.

 

"Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special."

[Ms MoOns]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

 

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

 

By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this.

He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

 

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.