My laughs

[Ms MoOns]

BLONDE COOKING

 

MONDAY

It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

 

TUESDAY

Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

 

WEDNESDAY

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

 

THURSDAY

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

 

FRIDAY

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

 

SATURDAY

Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

 

SUNDAY

Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

 

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

[Ms MoOns]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant named Billy, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, Billy came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, ''Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

 

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

 

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up *****."

[Ms MoOns]

In a trial in a small southern town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,

"Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly you've been a big dissapointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot gut you haven't got the brains to realize you will be anything more than a two-bit paper pushed. Yes I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned. He pointed across the room and asked,

"Do you know the defense attorney?"

"Why yes I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster as well, he's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't have a normal relationship with anybody, his law practice is the worst in the state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three women, one of which was your wife. Yes I know him."

 

The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a quiet voice said,

"If either of you ****** asks her if she knows me, I'll send both of you the electric chair."

[Ms MoOns]

My absolute favourite laugh

 

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

 

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top?” she asked.

“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied

“No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

 

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,

“Well, we’re not having any of that faggot shit in our garden.”

[Ms MoOns]

You are on the bus and you really need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

A couple of songs later you start to feel better.

As you leave the bus, people are really giving you the evil eye, and that's when you remember

...

You've been listening to your iPod!

[Ms MoOns]

A woman was frying eggs for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Ms MoOns]

A Jehovah's witness knocks on a man's door.

The man answers and says please come in, they sit down and the man asks,

"So what do you want to talk about",

and the jehovas witness answers "I don't know, I've never got this far before."

[wyre]

Wax kusoo dar

[Aaliyyah]

A woman was frying eggs for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

loooooooool oh my god that is meee...people cant drive when I am in the car with them....

[Ms MoOns]

Haha Aaliyyah, I'm always devastated, when other people drive.

[Ms MoOns]

Smart Lady

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

[Ms MoOns]

Drunk

 

Three men were drunk. They stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were drunk.

He just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them, ''we've arrived.''

 

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would realize that the car didn't move an inch.

 

So he asked: "what was that for?", he replied: "Control your speed next time, you almost killed us!!"

[Ms MoOns]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to *********, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

 

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

 

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)

 

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"

(And that would be how???)

 

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(But, it's "just" a suggestion)

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (Printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."

(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

 

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 

On Nyquil Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(And, I'm taking this because???)

 

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to ... what?)

 

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

 

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(Talk about a news flash)

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: maybe, ooh, fly Delta?)

 

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

 

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or other limbs."

(Oh my, was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Ms MoOns]

Hilarious!

 

A bloke with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer is howled over: ''This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought ,but we're afraid your constant winking might scare off potential customers.''

 

''Wait'', says the bloke. ''If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!''

He reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red, blue, ribbed, flavoured; finally at the bottom, he finds a pack of aspirin and after swallowing two he stops winking in a few moments.

 

''That's all well and good'', says the interviewer. ''But this is a respectable company, we can't have our employees womanising all over the country!''

''What do you mean?'' says the bloke. ''I'm a happily married man!''

''So how do you explain all these condoms?''

 

''Oh, that'', he sighed. ''Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?''

[Ms MoOns]

This is for the DIRTY thinkers among us!

 

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

 

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

 

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand ... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand ... nothing. My wife tried with her right hand ... nothing. Her left hand ... nothing. Her mouth ... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth ... still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.