My laughs

[Ms MoOns]

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO POLICE OFFICERS:

 

1. Are you Andy or Barney?

2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

5. I pay your salary!

6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son ... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Ms MoOns]

1st level of insanity: talkin to yourself,

2nd level: getting into an argument with yourself,

3rd level: giving yourself the silent treatment because you lost the argument.

[Ms MoOns]

*I Am My Own Grandpa* - wow

 

~Many, many years ago

~When I was twenty three

~I got married to a widow

~Pretty as could be.

~This widow had a grown up daughter

~With flowing hair of red,

~My father fell in love with her

~And soon the two were wed.

~This made my dad my son-in-law

~And changed my very life.

~Now my daughter was my mother,

~For she was my father's wife.

~To complicate the matters worse

~Although it brought me joy,

~I soon became the father

~Of a bouncing baby boy.

~My little baby then became

~A brother-in-law to dad,

~And so became my uncle,

~Though it made me very sad.

~For if he was my uncle,

~Then that also made him brother

~To the widow's grown up daughter,

~Who of course was my step-mother.

~Father's wife then had a son

~Who kept them on the run,

~And he became my grandson

~For he was my daughter's son.

~My wife is now my mother's mother

~And it makes me blue.

~Because although she is my wife,

~She's now my grandma too.

~If my wife is my grandmother,

~Then I am her grandchild.

~And every time I think of it

~It simply drives me wild.

~For now I have become

~The strangest case you ever saw,

~As the husband of my grandmother,

~I am my own grandpa!

[Ms MoOns]

Think before you say something!

 

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

 

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, and never returned.

 

However, as she was going out the door, the professor, absolutely straight-faced, answered her question,

"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[Ms MoOns]

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman said she needed to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill ur husband! Thats against the law! I'll lose my license and they will throw us both in jail! Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police."

 

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "well now, u didnt tell me u had a prescription."

[Ms MoOns]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,

"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

 

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[Ms MoOns]

A boomerang is just a frisbee for people with no friends.

[Ms MoOns]

I saw a homeless guy holding up a sign that said "bet you cant hit me with a quarter", well played hobo, well played.

[Ms MoOns]

Shocking

 

Kids know far too much these days.

Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls immitating the doggy position.

I bent down & told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."

 

She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing her up the @ss "

[Ms MoOns]

Men don't grow up, they just know how to behave ones in a while

 

My wife was having a go at me the other day.

"Everything is just a massive joke to you isn't it?!"

 

So I told her to sit down and calm herself down, that's when I pulled the chair away!

[Ms MoOns]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.

"I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

 

"You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

 

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Ms MoOns]

Q. Your riding a horse at full speed, a giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you and a lion behind you! What do you do???

A. You get your drunk @ss off of the carousel !!!

[Ms MoOns]

Psychiatric Hotline

 

"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

"If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer."

[Ms MoOns]

"The problem with quotes on the internet is that you don't know if they are fake."

 

-Abraham Lincoln.

[Ms MoOns]

They don't catch bin laden for 9/11 ... but wen he brings down the Playstation Network .... he has crossed the line.