Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 They may not be so funny to you, but they were to me: --- A boss' best worker named Colin claims he knows absolutely everyone, trying to convince the boss he should get a raise. So the boss goes: ''Riiight, let's go fly to Hollywood and meet... Tom Cruise!'' Colin: ''Sure, me and Tom are good buddies.'' Later, Colin and his boss are in Hollywood and are knocking on Cruise's door. Upon opening the door, Tom shouts: ''Colin! What a great surprise! Please, you and your friend come in and join me for lunch.'' Upon leaving the house, Colin's boss is dumb-founded, but not 100% convinced. So Colin proceeds to say: ''Fine, let's go to President Obama.'' Later that day, Colin and his boss arrive in D.C. Upon entering the White House, Colin gets eye contact with Obama who exclaims: ''Colin! How great to see you! Please, come have a cup of coffee with your friend and I to catch up. So the boss is now 90% assured that Colin does in fact know everyone. So as one last attempt, the boss challenges Colin to have known the Pope personally. Colin says: ''Why sure, my family and I lived in Germany for a while, and we knew the Pope very well.'' So after landing in Rome, they head for the town the Pope is scheduled to be doing a speech on. After many attempts of trying to make eye contact, Colin says: ''It's no use. I can't make eye contact through all these people. Wait, I'll go up the stairs, as I know the guards well, and come out on the balcony with the Pope.'' Sure enough, the Pope is shortly joined by Colin on the balcony. 5 minutes later, Colin returns to where he was previously standing to find that his boss had a heart attack, and was surrounded by paramedics. Colin asks him what happened, to which the boss replied: ''Well, when you were up there, a guy next to me shouted - Who the F*CK is that next to Colin?!'' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Chimera Posted April 8, 2011 Lol, war that dude got connections! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversations and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked: ''May I please use the restroom?'' The bartender replied: ''OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'' ''Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way'', said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said: ''Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me, just because I went to the restroom?'' ''Well, now they know you're one of us'', said the bartender. ''Would you like a drink?'' ''But I still don't understand'', said the puzzled nun. ''You see'', laughed the bartender, ''every time someone lifts the fig leaf, the lights go out.'' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 Chimera;710179 wrote: Lol, war that dude got connections! He sure has! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 A man speaks frantically into the phone, ''My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!'' ''Is this her first child?'', the doctor queries. ''No, you iidiot!'', the man shouts. ''This is her f*cking husband!'' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the marine did what any squared-away marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: ''I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back.'' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 A quote from Peter Griffin: ''You better watch who you are calling a child Lois, because if I'm a child, that makes you a pedophile Lois, I'll be damned if I stand here and be lectured by a pervert!'' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 Whenever you fell like a loser, just remember: YOU were the fastest sperm. Embrace that inner champion. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 After 20 years of marriage, a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up, and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down. The therapist says to the husband, ''This is what your wife needs atleast three times a week. Can you do this?'' After a moment the husband replies, ''Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.'' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 8, 2011 The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, ''You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'' A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, ''You b*st*rd.'' The judge says, ''You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.'' The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, ''You god-damned b*st*rd.'' The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, ''Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?'' The guy in the back of the court room stands up and says, ''For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b*st*rd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!'' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Zack Posted April 9, 2011 Loooooooool@the guy whose wife was about to have a baby, he probably had some not so deep voice . " no you ***** it is her effing husband loooool. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 9, 2011 Loooll Zack, noo the husband misunderstand the doctor. The doctor was actually referring to the baby Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 9, 2011 Pregnancy and Birth Advice: Q. Should I have a baby after 35? A. No, 35 children is enough. Q. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after finishing high school. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A. Childbirth Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational A. So what’s your question? Q. How long is the average woman in labor? A. Whatever she says, divided by two. Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you. Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A. Yes, pregnancy Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again? A. When your child is in college Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Zack Posted April 9, 2011 Ms I know I got that part but the dude prolly had funny voice so he was already sick of being called a lady or a child when people hear his voice on the phone lol. Maybe I am reading too much into this but it is freaking funny either way. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted April 9, 2011 Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away ... "We're down here ." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
