Revert Br, Somalian Sr.

[Br CD0000]

Salaams everyone.

 

Firstly I'd like to thank the Admin for accepting me even after my protest e-mail asking how to 'up my chances' on being validated.

Shows dedication to being a part of the community, right? Hope you all like me and hope to make many a new friend here insha'Allah.

 

I am new here, with a query.

 

Be it right or wrong, a Somalian sister and I met online and chatted with intentions of marriage. So much, is in the past and been done.

Be it right or wrong, we've met in person and have told one another straight out that we wish to get married inshaAllah.

Alhamdulillah, right? Well, yes, but no also.

We're having some issues despite the baraqa in our desires, thus I have joined this forum. I guess to learn more about the culture of the family I wish to marry into inshaAllah, but also to get some advice here in this thread.

 

From what we know, Islamically for parents to reject a potential partner for their child the reason must be Islamically relevant. What has in fact happened is (possibly) culturally relevant or just their preference (Allahu alim), rather than Islamically. It's a shame. They have said no to us, but have still said they want to have me over to have a chat with me (which, to me doesn't make a whole lot of sense, if they have indeed said no.)

Their response from what I've been told is kind of like "MashaAllah, he is a Muslim brother, but his family are not of the believers and will lead you all astray and we don't want to be held accountable for that". I just can't help but find it so ridiculous.

 

The glimmer of hope is, however, I will still be meeting with them inshaAllah, as per their wishes and ours.

 

Really hoping I don't get ripped a new one for posting this. :eek:

 

Thanks for reading.

Opinions/Advice?

 

Wasalaam.

Br. CD0000

[Jacpher]

A little reminder first. It's Somali, not Somalian.

 

Don't let rejection define who you are. Go on and knock as many doors as you can. Like other ethnicities out there, Somalis mostly like to stick with their own. You see we consider our women beautiful and we don't like others taking away out beauty. But that means one thing for you. Up your game and work harder. Anyone can reject anyone else. Doesn't have to be only for religious reasons. A father can turn you down for you wearing red shoes for all wants. Nothing says he has to honor your wishes/demands, Islamically speaking.

 

And welcome aboard.

[Br CD0000]

Thank you for your advice, welcome and correction. I always thought it was Somali, until I heard this particular sister call herself Somalian. (I like being right...)

Hmm, daleel? I'm just going by what I know and what I've heard - and some advice the sister and I have both been given by numerous members of the community, Somali and wider has been "Go to a Sheikh, get him to give them naseeha.."

 

What would you say about going along to the 'chat' with me they wish to have insha'Allah?

Would you not call the xenophobic attitude against other ethnicities (that you seem to be trying to justify, and I'd certainly call quite prejudiced) somewhat ethnocentric and indeed unislamic as well?

I would, free of any doubt. Deen before dunya, people. I mean, watch what you say against your brothers even if they are not of your culture, Islam undoubtedly promotes unconditional brotherhood, not exclusivist and supreme attitudes. Fear Allah.

 

The parents have said, they'd have no problems with other races whatsoever. The problem is who my family are, fullstop. So basically, anyone bar a revert with no Muslim family.

 

(I hope I have stayed respectful in this post inshaAllah.)

[Br CD0000]

"All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action."

 

People are people.

Being Muslim is what matters most.

 

...Or not?

[Jacpher]

The country is Somalia, the people and the language is Somali, not Somalian. You're not alone. I see experts on TV and radio calling us Somalians. Only if they could get it right, maybe I get past that and actually hear what they had to say.

 

You lost me there with all that xenophobic and superiority talk. Look nothing wrong or sinful about having preferences. A girl can accept or turn down a guy on looks, attractiveness, family status, values, or happiness but the most important is the deen. Deen is what matters the most in marriage but fulfilling the deen doesn't overwrite other qualities and characteristics one is looking for. Does that make sense? Having a suitable and excellent grasp of the deen isn't rejection-proof and doesn't require a family to marry off their daughter. You also have to meet their expectation and preference. Nothing xenophobic or racist about having preference. You can't accuse someone of xenophobic if they happen to be attractive to specific race. People are given choices by the deen. A girl turned you down because her family don't approve of your looks or race is not wrong in the eyes of the deen. The family have every right to advice their daughter on something as big as marriage and a girl has every right to respect and wishes of her mother.

 

I know of some Somali men that get rejected for many reasons other than religion. Does this mean they consider these men of their own less superior?

[Br CD0000]

See, I read your post and of course I understand all of that.

When the sister and I began talking, we hit it off right away. She even told me about dreams she has had about marrying a Muslim revert brother (not goals, actual sleep style dreams. A recurring dream at that), and that she has a definite preference for a revert brother herself.

Her family however, will not listen to this unless the reverts family are also Muslim, which is not the case here.

 

The xenophobic/supremacist attitude comment was my response to the part of your post where you said " Like other ethnicities out there, Somalis mostly like to stick with their own. You see we consider our women beautiful and we don't like others taking away out beauty." To me, and other people I have read your post to, we all come to the same conclusion (funny that...) Xenophobia, supremacy and a hint of racism. If you're not willing to call it as it is, that's fine. Whatever helps you sleep at night is no skin off my nose.

I mean, if it looks a Duck, it quacks Duck, it walks like a Duck. Surprise! It's most likely a Duck! Sure as hell not a Swan (I know, hard to believe, ain't it?) It's just us calling it by it's name, rather than painting a pretty picture and tip toeing around it. A case of the rose by any other name, if you will...

But yeah my point is, on this issue it seems to be 'Jacpher vs. General Consensus, Social Norms and Cultural Sensitivity'

 

I never called the family racist, or the sister. The sister and I are both actively looking at our options, and she knows about this post/forum because we're not just going to roll over and die when we have a clear cut view of what we want, and what our deen allows and teaches us. There is nothing wrong with our intentions, why would a family make the halal hard like this? We believe her parents are being very unrealistic, and their readiness to cut me out of the equasion because I'm from that one single demographic they have a grievence with is unislamic, and unfair on both of us. Period. (Which, it is. No two ways about it. To deny that, is to defy common sense and basic thought.)

 

Oh, just a 'PS'.. Still waiting for that daleel I asked for, not cultural psychobabble. Thanks.

[Malika]

^Firstly Asalaam Aleikum Br and Welcome to SOL.

 

Secondly I hope you wont be offended by the question am about to ask.

 

What is your ethnicity? Just out of curiosity .. and insha'allah I will try to either share my opinion or advice.

[Br CD0000]

Wa alaykum salam.

Thank you for the welcome, sister.

 

Southern Europe.

Think Spain, Portugal, Italy, Greece.

This is me being general, but it's along there somewhere.

[Malika]

^Alright.

 

Now my opinion is, despite your background or your family's religious background you have found your way to Islam. The family of the sister should not hold your past or your family against you - your a muslim and want to live by Islam - they should embrace you, be your guardians to raising or living in an islamic family.

 

My advice is, be sincere in your quest, dont let all this talk of prejudice, rejection blur your vision and that is to live in Islam - marrying this sister is part of it. Make duas, do Istiqar prayers - and insha'allah kheyr.

 

How religious is this family of hers?

[Br CD0000]

Her family, they seem very religious. Their concern is not my culture in the least - it's that my family are not Muslims and they fear my family leading us and our children, and their family astray. They don't know anything about my family, they've never met them nor heard a thing about them. They are assuming what my family are like, and to me as a very accepted and respected Muslim in this family, I find what they say about my family nothing other than comic gold.

 

We are trying our hardest, and communicating frequently with ideas and also getting advice from people we know in the community. The general answer seems to be for after the meeting and inevitable rejection, to both go and see a Sheikh and get him to talk to the parents. So, we plan to.

 

May Allah reward you for your sincere advice, sister. Ameen.

 

Again, I don't find the family prejudiced and I don't feel I've been rejected. I mean, the sister and I are down, but not out. We've said a million times to each other, and others that we're not going to just roll over and die when what we want is halal, and actually very good for us. We are praying hard, for guidance and our goals. Alhamdulillah.

[nuune]

Adiga iyo gabadhaba Quraan saar baad u baahantihiin, Ilaah ithinkiis wax kasta waa idiin hagaagayaan Inshaa Allaah, faataxadana inoo soo akhriya

[Malika]

^maxaa dacee nuune? Lol.

 

Br DC..They should fear not about the children - they will have a muslimah mother and her family. The mother is very important in a family, she will influence and guard her children. Re assure them that, you will raise your future children as muslims with their support..

 

ps. Despite of your family's religion, there should be a mutual respect toward them. I am sure they are a credit to raising you.

 

Well good luck - insha'allah kheyr.

[Malika]

@ nuune, am still laughing..I told you to get here ASAP..waad diidee with your needing at least 100 people..hehe

 

oops trolling.

[Br CD0000]

Aww, thanks for saying you're sure they're a credit for raising me. JazakAllah kheir.

And you're right, they have no need for concern. Not only will they have a Muslimah mother, but a Muslim father.

That's our issue with it all. We feel they're being very unrealistic towards the whole thing. Their problem is based on nothing and makes no sense in any scenario...

[NGONGE]

Go away, imposter. Not until you provide us with a picture of yourself with the words "I am not an imposter, o people of SOL" would we take anything you say seriously (no matter how many masha allah and alhamduliallah you write here).

 

This is not me being nasty by the way, this is a SOL tradition. Now, put up or go away.