A Second Wifey?

[Nur]

From the Archives:

 

eNuri and associates present

 

Sacrificing for your family's well being - The male perspective.

 

 

By Popular Demand.

 

 

Dear Faarax

 

So, you are interested in taking on another Xalimo? I know its tempting brother, I also know you are lonely, Family being across Atlantic and you are struggling in Kampala, do you realize how much it will cause for her to hear that you are getting laid with another Xalimo? while she is struggling to raise six kids you fathered in a far land?

 

Your Xalimo is as lonely as you are, she would not have spent a night without you if she can, and if she was not a faithful woman her options would have even increased geometrically, but, she has chosen to sacrifice her own fulfilment for YOU! how much does that weigh saaxiib?

 

You see saaxib, doubling up is an Islamic halaal principle practiced by Prophets, just like medication, its intention is to cure, not to increase sickness, by going ahead with this thought of yours, you are endangering the welbeing of an entire healthy family. Instead of thinking like a rocket engineer to devise creative ways to convince your smarter wifey, why not try to tame your desires first, by making more ibaadah, social work, Dawa work, fasting and if need be, writing to Coffe Anan to take you to your wife, it may work if Allah decrees so, ( Coffe Anan works for Allah without realizing) but trying to be smart with your wifey can backfire, like saying " Honey, its sunnah, we should follow the sunnah" for which you smarter wifey will say " How come I dont see you praying Tahajjud prayer late at night?, or isnt that Sunnah? too" or when you say " honey, my tribe is wiped out in the civil war, our Chief Cag Bakayle said that our Rer Qansax are endangered species so we have to increase our numbers to get more voting rights in the Anarchist parliament at Jawhar and Baidoa" for which your smarter wifey will say " My dear, what is your own quota they gavve you? I can volunteer to deliver them all alone, we dont need any help in this house", or when you say " Honey, My cousin was killed in the cause of Allah helping the poor, and he left behind a young wife and orphans, so they need a father, for which your wifey will say, "pumpkin, why not get the same reward like him and die in the cause of Allah"

 

 

Hassan, is a devout brother, and an entreprising businessman, after the civil war, his kids found residence in an Arabic speaking country, but his bread and butter is in Somalia, where he is taking risk to support his family , he sees his family twice a year, his wife is wearing the father, mother and teacher hats, she instills in them the love of Allah, love of their father, so the kids have grown to be ideal and brilliant, the best in their classes, and in terms of their character, their mother raised them with the best of qualitities.

 

Hassan is a very pleasant, intelligent and humorous guy who has been appproached many times by family and friends to consider remarrying again in Somalia, however, when he thinks of the shared sacrifices between him and his wife, his soul just cant accept the idea, Hassan knows that his sacrifice is little compared to what his wife is putting up with, tearful nights alone, in which she thinks of her her husband who is far away, they are all safe and well fed, in school, but their dad is living like a bachelor back home alone to run his retail business in a dangerous environment. The best thing that happened to Somalis in these times are sacrifices for their kids, and alhamdulillah, bright results are showing all around the wide world of wonders.

 

 

Xareed, is married to Beerlula who is terminally ill for many years, a very succesful professional who values his wife beyound imagination, at work, Xareed is known for being very reserved, hardworking and very loyal to his wife, he is well respected for that, Everyday, Xareed is at home after work to be on her side, consoling her pain, taking care of family needs, tutoring and running errands after work, his role is ideal, very few Somali Faaraxs can match his dedication, to him the world has stopped the day his wife was diagnosed to be terminally ill, he seldomly smiles, always pensive, even with all the wealth that can buy happiness for some Faaraxs, he is subuded, showing happiness when he is joking with wife only.

 

 

Sacrifice, is an age old principle, you forgo a valuable thing for a more valuable thing, Abraham was the first to sacrifice his happiness for Allahs sake, he sacrificed his life for Allah, and as a token of recognition, Allah SWT elevated him to the level of Khalil ul Allah ( Friend of Allah), His wife Sarah was jealous when he married Hajer the Egyptian, she asked he husband Abraham to get her out of her sight, which he did, Allah ordered Abraham to send Hajar to Makkah, a barren mountainous land in the middle of no where, no water and no life.

 

When Abraham brought his wife Hajer and son Ishmael to Makkah, she asked him, did Allah command you to leave us alone in this place? Abraham nodded yes, and Hajer told him : go, Allah will look after us, he will not neglect us"

 

Hajer, with infant Ishmael began running between two hills known as Safa and Marwa in Makkah, seven times looking for water, after giving up the search for water, water gushes between the feet of the crying infant Ishmael, to her joy, she rushes back to make a pool to save the abundant water, saying ZAM ZAM, meaning stop, stop. thus the blessed ZamZam water.

 

That statment of sacrifice from the part of a woman who wass regarded as a lowly domestic servant, has elevated her to the highest level of honor in humanity when Allah ordered all of humanitiy to run between Safa and Marwa hills as a token of the sacrifice that woman has made for the sake of Allah's pleasure. Sara was pleased by distancing Hager away from her sight, and Hager was pleased by glorifying her stand forever. Two great women, two different choices.

 

Jurhum tribe moved close to Hajer to share the water, and Ishmael was raised by the Arab tribes until he was a lad at which time, Abraham visited him, when in dream he saw that he was to sacrifice Ishmael, Abraham, again was tested, this time he had to sacrifice his own son who he loved so much, this time he asks his son, and the his son accepts the commandment of ALLAH, when they both agreed, Allah saved ishmael, and his Father Abraham, by sending down a lamb in his place, now we have three people who all have sacrificed, a man who sacrificed his life for Allah when he was thrown in fire, a woman who sacrificed her life and that of her infant to please Allah, and a son who sacrificed his life for Allah SWT.

 

Today, Muslims in the millions are circumventing Saffah and Marwa as a token of the importance of sacrifice for the sake of Allah.

 

 

Shouldnt we all try this principle of Sacrifice?

 

 

Think about Your family, Allah SWT says: Do Not Forget The Fazl ( All The Good ) between you"

 

 

Article:

 

Inspired By Amelia

Seconded By Raheema

Produced by eNuri Staff

 

Nur

 

2006 eNuri Inspirationals

Its not where you start, its where you end up that counts

[-Serenity-]

Salaams Nur,

 

I would have liked the other two topics even more. They were my 1st and second choice.

 

1) Monogamy – The ideal family lifestyle.

2) Polygamy – How Somalis abuse it.

 

Any chance, you could give us something on them?

 

link

 

Formerly known as Amelia

[Ms DD]

Salaam aleykum brother Nur

 

I found the article to be one-sided (it constantly argues from the wife's point of view). Whilst polygamy is neither compulsory nor is it advocated, it is permitted when the situation calls for. Obviously there was a reason that Allah permitted it.

Is it kind or noble to turn out a woman in her old or middle age from her home, just because she remains sick or she happens to be barren?

If the wife is chronically ill, or is barren, or for some other reasons it is not desirable for the couple to live as husband and wife, isnt it asking bit too much from the husband to curb his desires- especially in this day and age where immorality is abundant? Polygamy saves men from a major sin- Adultery. Remember here is where men and women differ. It may not be PC to say this, men have different (increased) libido than women. Sacrifice wouldnt come into the equation if both the husband and wife are pious and God-fearing couple.

 

I read from somewhere that polygamy offers a "practical remedy for the problems to destitute families; the alternative is continued and increased prostitution, concubine and distressing spinsterhood." They may have a point.

 

It is not uncommon where a wife herself persuades the husband to marry a second wife. In fact, the masjid i attend sometimes, there was a lady who couldnt have children and has asked her friend to marry her husband. This is the ultimate sacrifice and selfless act: to share your loved one and not deprive of him children if Allah wills.

 

In Islam, the husband is responsible to maintain his wife or wives and all his children. It is an obligation, which must be fulfilled in all circumstances. If a husband follows the tenets of Islam, he is bound to think twice before entering a new marriage whether he would be able to meet his financial and other obligations concerning the new wife and her off-springs. If his financial condition is not strong, he has to refrain from the new marriage.

 

Allah knows how i would personally react if my husband were to decide to marry a second wife. But I would like to think that i would accept this as Qadr of Allah, keep my duty as a wife and be patient for Allah's sake.

[Naden]

Originally posted by Cambarro:

Obviously there was a reason that Allah permitted it.

The only reason is to provide for mothers and their underage children whose fathers have died (orphans).

[Aaliyyah]

Asalaamu alaikum,

 

Well as you all know polygamy was promoted back in the Prophets time since many women were being widowed due to Jihad. And as Hodman said that is the main reason Allah was encouraging young men to take on second third or fourth wife. However, I doubt that is the case nowadays. Besides, our religion only allows men to take on second wives if they can meet the financial and emotional obligation, which contrasts Somali culture where a man takes four wives, and is hardly there for any of his kids, or wives for that matter. From my point of view, the only time I agree with a man to marry a second wife is when his wife is barren, or is too old to reproduce kids. Or in other case if his wife is at the other end of the globe. For instance, the example Nur took where the guy was in Somalia and his kids were in Arab country? Then there is nothing wrong with taking a second wife. However, there is still option he can move to the country where his family resided. I am not yet married and Allah knows what I would do under this kind of circumstance sida somalidu dhahda naag fadhida lagdin la fudud it is possible that a wife is going to accept whatever her husband decides since she has kids for him and loves her husband. But, I doubt I would let my husband just get married to a second wife, with no valid reason.

 

Wa salaamu alaikum

[Naxar Nugaaleed]

where does love fit into all of this. Most likely you marry someone because you love them not to have a children factory. Some have suggested that a second wife should only be considered under three conditions:

1. A barren wife

2. A widows and orphans (Dumaal)

3. Husband living outside of the Family

 

There are simpler ways to address all three problems, or atleast two of them, without resorting to 7th century methods of dealing with these situations. One, you adopt children if your wife can not have children (Same goes for the husband not being able to produce children). For the second one, there are ways to help families without requiring you sleep with the mother in order to do so and they really do not need to pointed out. The last one is sillist of all. Your family, unless it it is short period of time, should go where ever you go and be able to live where you can make a living. For more important then the percieved benefits of sending your family abroad is being there for your family. One reason, I imagen, for sending your family to the west is education, but believe me education in places like uganda and kenya is better then the urban ghettos of the west.

[Nur]

NN

 

You write:

 

without resorting to 7th century methods of dealing with these situations

 

 

Could you be more specific on your reference of 7th Century situations? pleased show the implied superiority of 21 Century Situations to that of 7th century Situations, with examples if possible.

 

 

Nur

[Naden]

Originally posted by AAliyah416:

Well as you all know polygamy was promoted back in the Prophets time since many women were being widowed due to Jihad. And as Hodman said that is the main reason Allah was encouraging young men to take on second third or fourth wife.

Polygamy is encouraged in that time and every time for any man provided that the second, third or fourth wife is the mother of orphans. War is not the only manner in which the husband/father can die and leave a widow and orphans.

 

The colourful scenarios of barren women (men account for nearly half of infertility), separated families (as though the remedy for being away from one family is to start another) and others are just sad.

 

Widow + orphans = Candidate for wife number 2 or 3 or 4.

[Modesty]

Polygamy is halaal,so anyone who says otherwise is not following Islam. Of course, you don't have to be in a polygamous marriage. Especially, in the west, alot of women aren't married who are in there 40s...scarcity of men in general.

[Nur]

eNuri Social topics revisited,

 

 

Disclaimer: eNuri and Company only develops and builds points of controversial topics for the sake of debate, it does neither endorse polygamy nor monogamy as a crystal ball solution for a social ailment, just marriage or chastity for the sake of the deen, so its up to readers to find what works for them.

 

2008 eNuri Inspirationals

[Malika]

Salaam Nur,

 

This post was triggered by a convesation with a sister in a polygamy marriage.This is what I left with after a long discussion...

 

To accept a polygynous marriage one will have to be at a peak of their iman, it requires a great deal of selflessness, since we are mere human beings and are basically selfish, one tend to not be inclined to participate in such an arrangement. This has risen a question within, if I have submitted to the laws and wills of Allah, why would I refuse my husband to take another wife if he has the means to support both of us [not only financially, but also emotionally and spiritually]? What happened to my belief , am I taking actions according to my belief or am I fulfilling a selfish and self-centred option……hmmm…I understand polygamy isn’t a mandatory act for the man nor for the woman, it’s a matter of choice and self sacrifices…

 

All in all it has made me question my motives of never even contemplating that option, am I being selfish? The answer is no,but what will be the reason I refuse him to do so, one will be jealousy,envy..then arent those negative emotions and one whom is patient,with Iman will not allow such a feeling and the whispers of Sheytan enter her thoughts to cause fitna..?..Oh boy!..there is some soul searching to do!

 

Allah knows best!

[Nur]

Malika sis

 

Great thought provoking points indeed! Society brings us up with norms that are acceptable and norms that are frowned upon. Islam on the other hand, sets criteria MIZAN of what is right and what is wrong, morally that is, so it takes courage at times to break with societal acceptable norms if it 1. Conflicts with revelations, 2. Conflicts with Sunnah, and lastly if does not add value. At the end, it boils down to a deal between a Muslim couple, only they can assess its real value of risk.

 

In the above stories, both real people I know of personally, (fictitious names), the situation can be like the Hindu situation in which if a man dies, his wife is also burned with as a sign of eternal loyalty. I have even heard of a couple who got divorced when the wife got so jealous that her husband was contmplating to marry in the even that she dies, although, I find it morally damaging for a husband to marry when his wife is sick, since that is when she needs him more than when she is well.

 

 

Nur