Yes! ANOTHER men related thread!

[5]

Aaliyyah;682925 wrote:

 

5 happy bday hun in advance...

Thanks dear.

 

Blessed, I agree with you although I don't think marriage is easy by any definition. I personally feel those who constantly encourage young people to get married don't care to give them the whole picture of marriage. Too many people rush into it. It's almost like the most fashionable thing to do amongst Somalis; get a nice big wedding that costs £20,000, a honeymoon to an exotic destination and a house with all the latest-model home appliances.

But what people tend to forget is, you're moving out from childhood home, from the people who brought you to this world and are tied to you by blood, and as much as you respect and honour them - you inevitably had fights and quarrels with. You're leaving that and you're gonna enter a house where you will also inevitably have quarrels and disagreements with a person you've known for a very short while. And unless you have prepared yourself for it, in the long run, you will not have the same kind of respect for that person and it will show. So instead of rushing into marriage, I think majority of people should work on themselves first. It doesn't mean getting a degree or travelling to Hong Kong, but making themselves a better person; spouse; future parent; neighbor; human being so that their marriage could be a successful one.

[Blessed]

Waa runtaa but I don't mean they should be pressured, far from it. It's very important for the person to be ready and I don't think readiness is age dependent. I know older coupls who got divorced within months for the stupidest of reasons. It is one thing to say, I don't want to be married or be in a relationship yet and another to say, I have to do x, y and z first. If you can do x, y and z and be married than why waste your time? I've seen so many youngsters who are ready to get married but are discouraged out of it because of the demands on them to study and fulfill an endless list of obligations (the 20K wedding for example) and this if we're honest and realistic usually leads to xaraam.

 

A sister I know married her daughter before she went off to university in another country. People were questioning her sanity. But the girl was obviously ready because she brought the guy, it would've been wrong for the parents to refuse. The big wedding demands are rediculous and unislamic and tend to make marriage difficult also without adding any substance to it. I find it ironic that it's harder for one to get married in the Muslim communities..

[Nugul]

Malika;682543 wrote:

^Edit your post dear - it was Khadija RA - a lot to be learned from her.

 

 

Sorry sister, have not been able to edit that, but luckly your post is right next to my post, it would been seen by anyone. Thanks for the correction.

[Aaliyyah]

A sister I know married her daughter before she went off to university in another country. People were questioning her sanity. But the girl was obviously ready because she brought the guy, it would've been wrong for the parents to refuse. The big wedding demands are rediculous and unislamic and tend to make marriage difficult also without adding any substance to it. I find it ironic that it's harder for one to get married in the Muslim communities..

Everyone has a choice to get married whether it is as young as 17 or as old as 30. But, the truth remains that when a girl is 17 and she finds a guy close to her age in just few years he might just realize this is not what he wanted and walk out on her. I would not recommend marrying someone that young, and definitely would advice against parents who do that. Yet those who stretch it all the way to 30 again they also have a choice but that's again a bit too far and it wouldnt be something I consider to be the right thing. Like you said time is not gonna wait for us, so it would be good to get married somewhere around 25 26 as long as you know what you want, you have that career (im not saying career is a must but it makes life a whole lot easier when you have your income and you are also contributing to your family instead of just depending on the guy) the truth remains that anyone 100 iyo 100 aad dependent ku noqotid in uu caseka iska walayo lol (yacni we dont live in the 80s where a guy didnt mind being the breadwinner and thought of it as his responsibility most younger guys expect that you bring something to the table) so definitely have a job..and thats not where it ends I just think you need to be emotionally, physically ready to have kids and I dont think a 17 years old kid is ready for that. I'm in my early 20s and Im still in doubt if Im ready to have kids? let alone a 17 years old kid who just finished high school (bt then again im not speaking on behalf of 17 years old girls nor am i imposing my opinion on them many get married at that age and many get divorced and have issues and what not so im just sharing my opinion)..also you have to have a time for your kids? when you get at married 17 and you have a kid and you are still in school what does that exactly mean (that means you are not financially there to support child nor do you have the time and that would probably mean dumping ur kid at some public day care and Im generally sensitive abt the daycare issue let alone a public funded one)...what else did I wanted to talk about?..yeah just one more point, I dnt think 17 years old kid is mature enough to know what they want or even have an idea of how to raise a baby (especially one that was raised abroad one that has never seen hardships of life one that till they were 17 their parents were doing every lil thing for...)..so do not go around supporting the idea that 17 yrs old kids get married simply because you are afraid they are going to commit a zina? why not teach them to be responsible to study get their damn degree as much as any of you say education is not all that important life is hard and it is important.We dont live in a time where a high school diploma would get you a decent job..a degree is not even enough these days...and it is not just schooling that we are talking abt but by going to school you will also develop so many skills that will help you along the way (how to be punctual, responsible, how to deal with ppl etc)...Also, most teenagers that I know who got married are burden to their families? isnt enough that your parents raised you? they dnt need to worry abt u now and ur kids? either way your parents will worry abt u bt basically what I mean is being that extra burden whether its financially or helping u raise ur kids will take a toll on your parents.Especially somali parents who already at minimum raised 7 kids if not more..so it really pays off to get married at the right time.

 

so bottom line im against ppl who rush to get married and am also against ppl who leave it till they turn 30...

 

With all that been said..guurku wa calaf..so everyone will get married when allah says so and not a day after ..

 

salaam

[NGONGE]

Lata liked Kabeer. But Kabeer was Muslim and she Hindu. Amit was a Bengali poet who liked Lata too but Lata wasn't sure she would want to marry the brother of her brother's wife. Man loved Saeeda Bai but that's a totally different story. Finally, Lata married Haresh Kahana, the shoemaker. He was her suitable boy (see Vickram Seth's novel by the same name).

 

I hate reading such threads becuase I think writers of fiction do them much better. After all, "It Is a Truth Universally Acknowledged, That a Single Man in Possession of a Good Fortune, Must Be in Want of a Wife", according to Ms Austin in her P&P novel. Hardy, in his Far From The Madding Crowd, has a different outlook: "It appears that ordinary men take wives because possession is not possible without marriage, and that ordinary women accept husbands because marriage is not possible without possession". Your problem though was brilliantly covered by Tolstoy in his great masterpiece Anna Karenina: "The French fashion--of the parents arranging their children's future-was not accepted; it was condemned. The English fashion of the complete independence of girls was also not accepted, and not possible in Russian society. The Russian fashion of matchmaking by the officer of intermediate persons was for some reason considered disgraceful; it was ridiculed by everyone, and by the princess herself. But how girls were to be married, and how parents were to marry them, no one knew."

 

So, in short, what I'm trying to tell you here is to go read a book and stop fretting.

[Chimera]

Why is marriage being demonised? Its not like your going to be shackled for the rest of your lives to a Goblin, I mean there was a reason why you married him/her right? Living on your own means your growing up, it might be rough at first (as you cut off the invisible umbilical cord), but you need to be ready to make compromises as a team, if you're unable to do this by 20, why would you suddenly learn this at 25, or 30? You learn this through experience, you will become more tolerant because of your personal attachement to the other person, and vice versa.

 

I see no advantages in stalling your chance at happiness, you have no clue when your lights will dim for good. What's the point of being a $100k making executive at the age of 30 if you going to die that same year, single? Why not be all that, whilst at the same time being hitched? Plenty of successful cases like that, case in point; this top US Somali Realtor and his wife who is a doctor.

 

There is also the case of aging relatives, all of my remaining male & female relatives above the age of 60 want to see my children one day, if I stalled for some materialistic reasons there is a chance they will never experience their personal wish. This might not be important to you, but to me it is. I recently spotted a grey hair on my mother's head, which gave me the most horrible feeling; nothing last forever, so why pretend it does?

 

Also let's not kid ourselves, if you are in your twenties and over, you are in your prime, why would you deny that person-to-be these important years? Seems very selfish and inconsiderate to me.

[Blessed]

I disagree, Aaliyah but it' all right.

 

I love the assumtions you made about that girl and her family. Her mother herself got married young and is an educated professional. They are a family who live Islam completely. Masha Allah.

 

p.s I' not saying people should get married young. They shouldn't be put off which is very common these days..

[5]

*Blessed;683093 wrote:

Waa runtaa but I don't mean they should be pressured, far from it. It's very important for the person to be ready and I don't think readiness is age dependent. I know older coupls who got divorced within months for the stupidest of reasons. It is one thing to say, I don't want to be married or be in a relationship yet and another to say, I have to do x, y and z first. If you can do x, y and z and be married than why waste your time? I've seen so many youngsters who are ready to get married but are discouraged out of it because of the demands on them to study and fulfill an endless list of obligations (the 20K wedding for example) and this if we're honest and realistic usually leads to xaraam.

 

A sister I know married her daughter before she went off to university in another country. People were questioning her sanity. But the girl was obviously ready because she brought the guy, it would've been wrong for the parents to refuse. The big wedding demands are rediculous and unislamic and tend to make marriage difficult also without adding any substance to it. I find it ironic that it's harder for one to get married in the Muslim communities..

To be fair, it is a lot harder to do certain things when you are married with kids. I think most young people, especially women, are put off by the prospect of being a stay-at-home mum with no profession if they marry young. Of course, one could always study but it tends to get harder after a couple of kids - and it doesn't help seeing their parents (most Somali parents don't have formal education). I know certainly my mother had barely finished high school - although my father went to university. It's OK for men to study but not women, because "at the end of the day, we're gonna end up in kitchen".

 

I completely agree with you about marrying off the few intelligent, calm and mature teenagers there are. Unfortunately there are so many failed young marriages you'd think it's the norm.

 

*Blessed;683093 wrote:

The big wedding demands are rediculous and unislamic and tend to make marriage difficult also without adding any substance to it. I find it ironic that it's harder for one to get married in the Muslim communities

I had to comment on this separately because what you wrote above is so important. Big weddings in which tens of thousands are spent (mainly borrowed money) are not only unislamic but also utterly useless. This summer I was watching a wedding in which the couple had separated but apparently the guy was still paying off the loan for the wedding, subhanaAllah.

[Aaliyyah]

Blessed am not assuming anything abt that particular girl or her mother. I dont know them after all right? ...this is a general comment based on the teenagers I seen get married early.

 

In fact nowadays many people in their 20s who get married get divorced. The divorce rate is rather alarmingly high. And, I just think when you are that young (17 and so ) it just puts you at a vulnerable position. It is good to give yourself time to explore who you are, what you want from life etc...

 

Anyhow, we will agree to disagree. Thats what makes the world a beautiful place. Everyone sees something from a different angle.

 

5 I am actually for spending good amount of money on your wedding. After, all it comes one day in your whole life. But, not if you cant afford it thats rather pathetic. I dont believe in getting thousands of loans and then spending several years paying back. First get a career have a saving and then have the wedding you wanted.

 

salaam

[Ismalura]

Marriage is great but it is almost impossible to have a career when you get married at 20 and have five kids before you are 30....

 

 

I am still trying to figure this out but the 'you can have it all' story is looking more like a myth maalmahan...at least for most people.

[Nugul]

To be honest with you, I feel I wish I got married when I was in my early 20's because having career is not guaranteed, and time goes very fast. You might reach 30 while still struggling to build a career. Unless you are tranning to be a doctor or something, I would suggest if you meet the right person do not wait. After all, it is good to have a companion (of the opposite sex). Just make sure the person is someone who would not hold you back. I know sisters who fell into a trap. If the person is willing to help you to persue your other life goals, you would be able to 'have it all'.

 

Other thing that I can say is that you cannot really say 'oh I am ready for marriage'. I would say the yoounger you are the better. In that case you just grow up with the person.

[Blessed]

Aaliyah,

A 17 year old is not what I personally had in mind, we're now told 24 is too young to get wed? I understand the need for caution for someone as young as 17 but lets not generalise all 17 year olds, some people really are blessed with hikmah from a young age.

 

5,

Who says couples must have children straight away? These days people tend to wait a few years before having kids, there's more to marriage than kids. If instead of dating, a couple married, they would get know each other probably and their union would also be blessed?

 

Having said that, I don't for a minute believe that motherhood limits a woman in anyway, even if we do spend some time in the kitchen! I went to university with so many mothers and they did just as well as everyone else, in fact they seemed far more determined than the rest of us. Most successful female enterprenuers are women who started to think out of the box because they became mothers. There are so so many women who went through school and on to do great things as mothers. I personally grew up with the 'can have it all' story all around me, with my sister, cousins, neighbours teachers as living inspiration, it's has never been an issue of choosing one over the other, impossible is nothing.

 

You just need to find the right balance and as Nugul said, a supportive man and you always have your family too..

[Chimera]

FYI; stay-at-home dads exist, if a career is so important.

[Juxa]

lol@blessed. ma maqashay yow sheega ya ogeysiiya alla yow sheega

 

With all the planning and prioritising.....one must know tii alle qore uunbaa socon. be 17 or 37, relationships is hard work.

 

Guurka iyo shaqada iyo shahaadada maxaa isku xeray? i know people who are more committed to their careers now whilst married then they were at 22. I know mother of 7 with a 3 day demandful job and very happy.

 

Point i am trying to make is, whether you marry ready or rushed, there comes a time you feel getting your bags, there comes massive arguments but also many blessings and jacayl.

 

Marriage is what it is a marriage, no more no less and depands how two people manage their affairs. I strongly believe marriage is not a hinderance but rather helpful tool to succeed aduun iyo aaqiraba.

 

caveat emptor applies here...indhahaada oo shanta ah guurso and be ready for all the suprises it comes with, hadii kale iska dhaafoo dantaada ka raaco.

[Aaliyyah]

Blesse & Juxa mashallah you both raised good points. I agree with you that if you are 17 it doesnt necessary mean you are gonna be in doomed marriage and that ppl vary. However, my point was that in most cases at that age the person is not ready to cope with such responsibility as marriage especially those of us who were raised abroad. One of my many aunts moved here when she was only 17 or so and she single handedly raised two sons, we help her out but it is not the same. She was a responsible girl she knew how to run a household. Even now at 20 something I can not say the samething about myself (its the sad truth that when we are raised with our parents they do so much for us that we lose that responsibility factor some worse than others I am sure am not the worse lol..alhamdulilah to some extent I can run a household)..

 

But, like you said sisters, regardless of age you will confront a lot of issues when you get married. Which is why I said earlier in one of my posts that nowadays even girls who are 20 plus years get divorced within the first few months of marriage because they were not raised to tackle those issues neither did they prepare themselves, they had it easy all their life you know what im trying to say.. ppl are not taught in the west to accommodate someone. We get everything we need/want/desire....not to generalize but it is what it is...

 

Inshallah may allah swt make it easy on everyone regardless of when they get married and make realize that marriage is more than just marriage (you dont get married cuz the farxiyo next door got married and you dont wanna be left out) but you get married for the right reasons and you know that you will have your ups and downs (and you dnt have to get divorced the min something goes wrong in a relationship you work it out ..and if that happened we wouldnt have had high percentage of single moms)..ppl just need to learn that marriage requires so much more than what it seems outside .Oh its beautiful to be married don't get me wrong but theres more downs than ups believe me like what one shiekh said it is 30% joy and that other 70% you are working toward that 30% I couldnt have said it in a better way walahi he nailed it.. So dont rush it marriage is not something to be rushed. All that plans might seem worthless and you might say you will confront difficulties either way. So let me highlight that the point is not whether you will face difficulties or not clearly you will it is just how prepared are you to tackle it to accommodate that person, to know when you are wrong to admit your mistakes and take responsibility for it, to express yourself in a better mean rather than say hey I am out than this relationship when something happens etc...

 

salaam