Yes! ANOTHER men related thread!

[5]

Aaliyyah;683298 wrote:

5 I am actually for spending good amount of money on your wedding. After, all it comes one day in your whole life. But, not if you cant afford it thats rather pathetic. I dont believe in getting thousands of loans and then spending several years paying back. First get a career have a saving and then have the wedding you wanted.

I can think of so many other fun things to do with that money... like building a well, renovating an orphanage or backbacking in Chile where you shower just once a week and you learn the real odour of your spouse - none of that pour homme stuff.

The prospect of being stared at by hundred(s) of people is just too chilling for me dear, I'd make it for the exit ASAP. I do like being a guest at a beautiful wedding though, so be sure to invite me inshaAllah.

[5]

Aaliyyah;683711 wrote:

Blesse & Juxa mashallah you both raised good points. I agree with you that if you are 17 it doesnt necessary mean you are gonna be in doomed marriage and that ppl vary. However, my point was that in most cases at that age the person is not ready to cope with such responsibility as marriage especially those of us who were raised abroad. One of my many aunts moved here when she was only 17 or so and she single handedly raised two sons, we help her out but it is not the same. She was a responsible girl she knew how to run a household. Even now at 20 something I can not say the samething about myself (its the sad truth that when we are raised with our parents they do so much for us that we lose that responsibility factor some worse than others I am sure am not the worse lol..alhamdulilah to some extent I can run a household)..

 

But, like you said sisters, regardless of age you will confront a lot of issues when you get married. Which is why I said earlier in one of my posts that nowadays even girls who are 20 plus years get divorced within the first few months of marriage because they were not raised to tackle those issues neither did they prepare themselves, they had it easy all their life you know what im trying to say.. ppl are not taught in the west to accommodate someone. We get everything we need/want/desire....not to generalize but it is what it is...

 

Inshallah may allah swt make it easy on everyone regardless of when they get married and make realize that marriage is more than just marriage (you dont get married cuz the farxiyo next door got married and you dont wanna be left out) but you get married for the right reasons and you know that you will have your ups and downs (and you dnt have to get divorced the min something goes wrong in a relationship you work it out ..and if that happened we wouldnt have had high percentage of single moms)..ppl just need to learn that marriage requires so much more than what it seems outside .Oh its beautiful to be married don't get me wrong but theres more downs than ups believe me like what one shiekh said it is 30% joy and that other 70% you are working toward that 30% I couldnt have said it in a better way walahi he nailed it.. So dont rush it marriage is not something to be rushed. All that plans might seem worthless and you might say you will confront difficulties either way. So let me highlight that the point is not whether you will face difficulties or not clearly you will it is just how prepared are you to tackle it to accommodate that person, to know when you are wrong to admit your mistakes and take responsibility for it, to express yourself in a better mean rather than say hey I am out than this relationship when something happens etc...

 

salaam

Brilliant post, mA.

[Juxa]

there is only so much preparation you can do before getting married.

 

the issue here is, when you meet a person, fall in love with him/her, you will normally see their best bits. the real knowing is after marriage hadaad runta rabtaan, insha allah ilaah balaayo idinma tuso balse no amount of prep and contingency plans will prepare you, you just take each day as it comes with alot of niyad wanaagsan, determination and faith in allah and in each other.

 

responsbilitiga is sidi qof walba lagu abaabiyo oo sometimes you see 50 year old with caqli lixsaac ah. the success or doom of a marriage is not pre-determined based on factors such as education, well paid jobs etc. it all depends on what the couple mean to achieve with their lives. anigu koleyba sidaa bey ila tahay. if two people are not in for long haul hade simple and trivial things can cause a break down.

[Ismalura]

I want to believe the 'you can have it all' theory more than any one else but the reality of married somali women's lives is different saan u arko. Yes they are determined mothers going to school but as far as I know they take two courses a semester and are always burned out. I love that they have kids and are going to school at the same time but I wouldn't trade places with them.

 

I know marriage doesn't necessarily stop you from doing other stuff but they are financial and social factors that make this things too hard. We all know that our culture is really different from the western one. Most Somali men's idea of being supportive is ensuring that you don't even need a career in the first place. How many times baa la i yidhi " why do you need a job/ a career if you husband can do everything for you?" Mida kale many of us here are struggling because we have to support people back home and when both time and money are scarce for labada qof ba there will certainly be huge problems.

 

@ Juxa I believe that there is something like preparation and finding mr right before you get married. If you take your time you can get to know some one very well. I am not saying that there will be no challenges later but there certainly will be no surprises. Waxaad ku gursatay unbaad ninka kala kulmi and that is ok since no one is perfect.

@ Chimera stay at home dad aa? My man has got to have a job and bring money home so no that is not an option.

 

Like I said before I am still trying to figure this out but looking at all the factors I am leaning towards waiting till I finish school and manage to make some money.

[Blessed]

Good points, Aaliyah but a degree doesn't get you ready for a marriage (I'm not going to let this go.. LOL). I think growing up in a big Somali family teaches you a lot about patience, sharing, patience, running a house, patience, rasing kids and patience.

 

All I am saying is.. One shoes does not fit all, in my own family us girls got married at different ages and stages in our lives, these external factors don't determin the quality or longevity of marriages, personality is the biggest factor. All these obstacles are just ideas people throw about because they're bored, married folks just get on with it. Also, for every divorced couple, Aaliyah and there are just as many who remain in healthy marriages, stop focusing only on the negatives, sis. Anyway, aniga hadal iga dhamaa ee Illahay waxaan idiinka baryayaa mustaqbal khayr iyo xarago leh..

 

5,

LOL@ learn the real odour of your spouse.

[Chimera]

Ismalura, if you want a career, whose going to look after the kids?, somethings gotta give right?

 

Men can be taught to help around the house too, I don't get why Somali mothers don't mold their sons in their own image, i'm basically a male version of my mother, I can cook more dishes than most of my sisters, and i'm super tidy in everything like my mother. This was very helpful for me when I started living on my own at 18 in a creepy appartment, and it will be useful in the future. Wives could influence their husbands in similar ways, if there is respect in that relationship.

 

I think I dropped to many 2cents in this topic, i'm going bankrupt, Auf Wiedersehen.

[Juxa]

Ismalura, you can prepare as much as you like and date (get to know a person as much as you like) but believe me things change for good or worse once you get married sister. i am only trying to be honest with you here

 

by all means finish your education, get healthy bank balance etc ( i would even recommend it ) but the challenges remain there and the obstacles come one after another.

 

as blessed said with patience and determination waxkasta waala hagaajin karaa.

 

marka my little darling sisters, dont focus on the negatives, i promise being married would not be a hinderance as long as you are a wholesome person and know what you want to do with your life, husband, children.

 

having said that, i would personally like my own sister to finish her education, get a job, do bit of travelling before settling down. certain things should be done with so a lady can concentrate with important things such as rearing children.

 

aaheey bal qeyr allaha ka dhigo gabdho. i hope you find your dream man insha allah and once you do shackle him to the kitchen

[Polanyi]

Can sum1 be too nice n friendly to give u the wrong number? My mind is split here.kkkkkkkkkkkk.

[Ismalura]

@ Chimere I would certainly make sure that my sons (if I have some) know how to cook and tacke care of them selves. I would also expect my husband to cook some times but I am not a fan of a family system where the woman works and the man stays at home. Somethings are just un natural, you know? Ilamaha waa la isla heyn karaa and there is always day care when we are both busy.

 

@ Juxa thanks for wishing us well and giving us some good advice. To some extent we are on the same page. I agree that there will always be obstacles in marriage but I insist that there shouldn't be surprises. You will most likely find the same person you married that is if you both took your time and were honest with each other. Patience and sacrifice will always be needed goortii la guursadaba ee InshaAlah kheyrka alaha na waafajiyo.

[Aaliyyah]

Juxa and Blessed thank you for your du'a ilaahay haka dhigo tii uu aqbalo insha'Allah and so true we have said all there's to say lol ..

 

One point though helping out my mom with my younger siblings throughout the years did teach me patience and what not but I fail to see how that will help me with dealing with a hubby lol ( definitely taught me how to raise kids and run a household to some extent even then its kinda different when you are assistant to your mom and when you have to do everything on your own lol)..But yeah I GUESS I kinda got your point blessed lol..ok I'm just pulling ur leg..

 

Good luck ladies with your marriages as well. May Allah bless them for you..caruurtiinana haka dhigo ubad khyr qaba oo walidkooda, ehelkooda, umada iyo dalkaba wax tara Ameeen!

 

Ismalura mashallah well said. I definitely would feel he is mentally unstable if he chooses to stay home fully lol like ma u taag hayo taas ninkeeda guriga uu u fadhiya ..waaba ceeb eh lool. But, yeah helping out and staying with the kids some of the times is expected!...And, besides I wanna marry an educated dude with nice a*ss job..balaya mid guriga isoo fadhiisisa yaa lacagtii badneed aan rabay isoo sameenaya marku guriga ii candhaadhsado.. lol!!!!

 

Adam sounds like a dream come true ku yidhi I'm basically male versaion of my mother. Are you also somali version of Bill Gates..meelbaa wax isla dhigi laheene

 

salaam

[Aaliyyah]

I can think of so many other fun things to do with that money... like building a well, renovating an orphanage or backbacking in Chile where you shower just once a week and you learn the real odour of your spouse - none of that pour homme stuff.

The prospect of being stared at by hundred(s) of people is just too chilling for me dear, I'd make it for the exit ASAP. I do like being a guest at a beautiful wedding though, so be sure to invite me inshaAllah.

5 you said it well mashallah. It is good to know that you want to go back and help ur ppl out. You sound very genuine and caring. Ilaahay hakula garab galo wixi aad umadaada u qabatid. Khyr badana haka siiyo. I am on the same page that I want to go back home and invest in a school, or a hospital or any other beneficial project. And, on top of that have my night to remember ...I am the type of a girl who wants it all..dadkana inay wax tarto nafteedana wixi happy ka dhigaya siiso...for me an amazing well organized well financed wedding means so much ilaahay qudradiisa lool I was always like that!! ppl are different right so each on his own but I really like saad wax u eegasid. You are one smart sister with amazing goals. May allah swt facilitate them for you.

 

LOL@ u learn the real odour of your hubby. Classic!

 

n dnt worry bariiska kama qadinayo. Lol..

 

salaam

[Taleexi]

Sheeko xariirta intaad iska dhaaftaan maxaad gabanta kula taliseen? ..By all means get married, If you get a good wife you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher I believe, and would recommend getting married early is the best way to go, with all its pitfalls, constraints and shortcomings considered, but one would be very selective his/her better half in this time and age. Good lucky and haddaad ilaa sannad waxba soo waydo ku soo noqo SOL cid laguu waayi maayo'e

[Aaliyyah]

She should hunt cute guys from her university. Pretend to bump to them..ops walaal sorry! horta do you go here? wink and the rest is history

 

salaam

[Nugul]

the young woman has disappeared since then! every wondered who she was? or if it was she and not he?

 

Anyhow, I would definetly say do not wast trying to get to know a man....you cannot know s.o until you live with the person. Maximum of two months should be enough if you talk to him on a regular basis. In my case I knew him only 2 weeks, and I did not have more surprises than those who knew each other longer. I wasted a lot of time with other people in the past, and at the end it did not work out. Check you main requirments xyz then work from there. btw I think not all ''educated'' ones are hard-working. Some of them are quite lazy and socially awkward ( mine excluded of course!!). I met man men who have never been to high education, but are so wise and so succesful. You can have phd by all means but can be self-centred at the same time with zero wisdom.

 

Look for someone who has a lot of wisdom who you are also physically compatible with.

[Nugul]

...and by physical attraction I mean ehem...attraction.