Abtigiis Posted December 22, 2010 Nugul, It is a fiction. Of course feedback is welcome. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nugul Posted December 22, 2010 OK, it is written in a formal language; kind of an essey type. Simplfy the language to give it some fictional flavour. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abtigiis Posted December 22, 2010 Ilaahay ha nagu anfaco. Many thanks. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nugul Posted December 22, 2010 Ilaahey ha nagu anfaco, I thought that was for wax kheyr ah and not for feedback. So feedbeyka ilaahey hagu anfaco, you made me laught Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abtigiis Posted December 22, 2010 Hedde feedbackii qaatay and I found it very useful. Laakin dee Ilaahay ha inagu anfaco means I should take it to heart and do a better job next time. It was good observation that you made, but I am a quick learner. You will see next time. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xiinfaniin Posted December 22, 2010 http://www.physorg.com/print7412.html Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abtigiis Posted December 22, 2010 :D Awoowe, admit I have improved on many areas in terms of vivid descriptions of things. Hedde garow'de. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xiinfaniin Posted December 22, 2010 ^^What you wrote there, ya Aw T, has no literary value, not depth, no complexity, if something at all it is a measure of what your unspoken pulse is able to articulate in the veil of the online garb. Don’t get me wrong, your writing is not bad at all; however, your academic brilliancy is ruined by the raw, unruly emotions, which the content gives voice. . Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NGONGE Posted December 22, 2010 Warya A&T, Xiin yaanu ku khiyaamin. He is as qualified to judge your stories as I am when it comes to your poems. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Somalia Posted December 23, 2010 Abtigiis;681898 wrote: Nitsu was a noisy girl, but a nice one. She personified compassion. No encounter with male schoolmates of mine, even as we grew old and grey-haired, ended without nostalgically recalling the role Nitsu played in cultivating within us selflessness and the internalization of pity as the driving factor behind our actions, intentions and decisions when dealing with needy human beings. Few realize that sexual permissiveness is a carnal correlative to an altruistic position. It is a vivid metaphor for humanitarian give-ness. It is a way of overthrowing our values by challenging the mores around a foundational reproductive assignment. Tell me: is it very difficult for a girl who disagrees to relieve a man dying with the pain of passion, in an era HIV and Aids were not a risk, to also disagree to give water to thirsty voyagers in a desert? And all the names she got, some that permanently disfigured her-like the ‘river of the schoolboys’, she took with surprising doggedness. She gave pleasure to all of us when serious dates refused to oblige and the desired ones failed to show up. No complaint, no criticism of why she was overlooked first. She gave what we wanted with only one quaint request: Don’t tell to Solomon, or Murad, or Assefa or the Harari Ihsan who was the most handsome boy with the prettiest girlfriend –Mawardi. And I respected her words, kept for myself till today the 22nd of December 2010. In truth, it was Murad who told me to go to her, telling me there is no way I will fail. He told me she told him Ihsan sees her in secret, and when she asked him why he of all boys –with Mawardi by his side, would come to her, Ihsan complained that Mawardi won’t give him anything before they finish school and formally marry. He said the pimples and warts on his face are exhibits of unfinished passion, always constrained to lipsing kisses and warm embraces. Only once did Nitsu protest. And it is hard to dispel that sight from my mind. At break, she walked into the cafeteria where students were drinking tea; the angry Nitsu, all clothes in one hand, the other one broadcasting hot and menacing curses, herself stark nude to show our stunned faces her naked anger in erect fullness, undisguised by any sartorial pretensions. She delivered a hot message no one cannot duck: You can talk about me, but I am confident, I am clean, fearless, and immune to insults and ridicule. She was clean; her name in the vernacular. Insults, she does not deserve for merely undressing and bending to gratify the passion of outsiders she doesn’t know, but she cannot turn down becuse she embraced self-demeaning to advance human pleasure. They –the school community made her an enemy, an opposite of all the other girls in their fondness of opposites. They made her the Satan in Paradise Lost, themselves the God he challenged. As a fallen archangel, John Milton’s Satan comes through as a shrewd, calculating character of unparalleled brilliance. As humans who share in his foibles, we tend to gravitate towards him, indeed to identify with him. God, on the other hand, emerges as a flat voice of holy edicts, seemingly hostile to fallen man’s enterprise. He can’t fit in the narrative, or else he ceases to be God. So he is no match for the restless and striking Satan. We identified with Nitsu, not with the Godly girls, who saved a non-deplete-able resource for a man they are yet to meet, a man they don’t know, a man they can’t know; and failed to respond to the immediate needs of a classmate in passion crisis. I never told what she told me to anyone because telling it would have meant giving clues about the source of my bizzare walk in the week that followed my meeting with her. They would have said it is Syphills which was rampant in the campus. ^ Now that you've gotten this off your chest, tell us how well you are managing the STD's you contracted from Nitsu? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abtigiis Posted December 23, 2010 Budhcad-badeed Boy, Using 'I' makes droll-type writings more personal and strong. It is true no fiction is written based on imaginations alone and parts of what is said here and there will relate to one's experience -whether he lived it or he saw people living it, but it is also important you realise the above story is not my biography. Sure, it depicts the atmosphere in the school I studied in. Ngonge, That Xinnfanin does not qualify to critique this short story is not news. It is an established fact, and hence his abuse here, which is informed by eccelesiastical considerations is unlikely to take me from the field play, tears in eyes, nostrils drooling and sniffing, hearts sobbing. He has tried to put a magesterial censure to my pen from the day I had 3 posts to my name, and it didn't work. Not because his advices are not sound and brotherly, but because he mistakes moral condescending for legitimate literary appraisal. In any case, he is a brother who cares about me, and my good name. So, while his critiques have the effect of an aborted fart in terms of constraining my pen, I will heed his advices to moderate the language used. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Somalia Posted December 23, 2010 Abtigiis;682233 wrote: Budhcad-badeed Boy, Using 'I' makes droll-type writings more personal and strong. It is true no fiction is written based on imaginations alone and parts of what is said here and there will relate to one's experience -whether he lived it or he saw people living it, but it is also important you realise the above story is not my biography. Sure, it depicts the atmosphere in the school I studied in. ^ Heavy snow is falling as Dr. Richard B.Vincent steps out of his classic Lotus Elan. He puts on his heavy coat, pair of gloves and woolen scarf as he makes his way to the general hospital for an emergency call. Dr. Vincent: How are things going today nurse? Nurse: Well everything was just fine until things came to head a couple of hours ago. You see there was this patient, a Mr. A&T, who came in with a case of food poisoning. Dr. Vincent: I see...did you carry out any tests to confirm it was food poisoning? Nurse: Well, the patient complained about a severe case of diarrhea. At first, I thought it was nothing too serious, but then, when A&T let loose a deluge of muck right in the hospital's lobby, I started to suspect that the patient might be suffering from more than your average everyday stomach upset. Dr Vincent follows the Nurse to see A&T Nurse: This is the patient. His name of course is A&T. Apart from his inability to control his bowels, he seems to be physically alright, albeit a bit delusional....he's been talking to himself ever since he got here in a weird language. A&T: I am saying to you!!! Budcadh-badeedka ha nalaga qabto!! Khadyaan bilaahi ayaanu ka taagannahay. Nooligii qiimihiisi ayaa cirka isku shareeray. Caana-boorihii baryahaan lama goyn karo!! Dr. Vincent: Hmmm....he seems to be somewhat perturbed...whats this Ana Boor he keeps repeating? Nurse: I'm not sure, but I suspect Ana Boor could be the name of his wife or child. But then again, he came in alone. Dr Vincent: Indeed....A&T can you hear me? This is Dr Richard. Did you recently come into contact with any contaminated foods? Did you recently go to a picnic, a large social gathering or a restaurant? A&T: War caano-boore i sii! Caano-boore la'aan baana heysa! Orod gaalada aad u shaqaysid Caano-boore iiga keen!! Dr.Vincent to Nurse: There he goes again mentioning that Ana Boor lady! Dr.Vincent: Do you have any pain anywhere? A&T: Yes. Yes. I have baain. I have big baain. its something troubbing me in my stomach, in my face, in leg, in finger, in my a$$--everywhere I feel pain. Dr Vincent: Couple that with your diarrhea-- that would be the telltale signs of food poisoning, A&T. Do you feel any tenderness in the abdomen? Do you feel dehydrated? A&T: Waryaa adigu ma budhcadkaad u shaqeysaa horta. Why you arrest me in this room? I know you want a ransom, right? You're going to try to make money from me, huh? To hell with you and to hell with this Hosbitaal! I am boycotting this place and I am telling my Somali beebol not come here to! Dr Vincent: Nurse, take note that the patient has refused to be treated and- A&T gets up to dress... A&T: Before I go , can I have some Caano-boore? Dr Vincent: Fcuk your Ana boor, you deranged immigrant! A&T: Ha ha... I knew it! You work for the Bucadh-badeed! Dr Vincent: Nurse, get security, will you! A&T is dragged away. Dr Vincent follows Nurse to see next patient. Nurse to Doctor: Sir, I think you overacted. Clearly the man was missing someone... THE END Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wyre Posted December 23, 2010 kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk sheeko waalan @ mr somalia Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xiinfaniin Posted December 23, 2010 So pointing out Aw T's bad habit renders me unqualified to comment on his posts, eh! Gabar Amxaaro ah, oon fool xumayn ragguna wada leeyahay baan waa la seexan jirey, oo xattaa jabta igu riday is, in a nutshell, what good Aw Tusbalxe wrote, and NGONGE is clapping for . Whether that represents the preface of an aspiring literary writer is a topic I am apparently disqualified to comment on. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abtigiis Posted December 23, 2010 Very, very cheap line. You know saying 'I' doesn't mean the author is talking about himself. But I don't have to defend that everytime a pirate shoots. Anyway, your problem is even here you are talking about rightness or wrongness of the act that is committed; you don't give anything that helps an aspiring writer such as the suggestions made by Nugul. After following Xinn's comments on similar issues for three years now, It can safely be said that he is a certifiable literary quack who hides under false moralising to cover up his shortcomings. :D Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
