Programming language Humor

[Conspiracy]

The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources. Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.

C & Unix

 

"It's 5.50 a.m.... Do you know where your stack pointer is ?"

 

C /n./: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.

— Ray Simard.

 

"If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL."

 

"I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife."

 

"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." — Blair P. Houghton.

 

"Going from programming in Pascal to programming in C, is like learning to write in Morse code." — J.P. Candusso.

 

"Trying to outsmart a compiler defeats much of the purpose of using one." — Kernighan & Plauger, The Buy at Amazon.comElements of Programming Style.

 

"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))" — Shakespeare

 

"C is not a high-level language." — Kernighan.

 

"I will not be a lemming and follow the crowd over the cliff and into the C." — John (Jack) Beidler.

 

Perl, PHP, Regexp...

 

"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

 

"Perl 1.0: All the power of QBasic, the readability of assembly, and the flexibility of DOS batch scripting..."

 

"If I've got a simple task to do (eg the text-file-of-URLS example) then I knock it up in shell script. By the time that simple task has feature-creeped up to more than 20 lines I start to wish I'd written it in Perl. So I rewrite. By the time that Perl script has crept up to more than 200 lines I start to wish it was written in Python. So I rewrite. By the time that Python script has crept up to 2000 lines I start to wish I'd farmed the job out to a team of programmers, and I give up caring what language its written in and make them do it as a web service. Then I write a small shell script to call their web service. When that shell script has feature-creeped up to more than 20 lines..." — Bazman.

 

"Though I'll admit readability suffers slightly..." — Larry Wall (of Buy at Amazon.comPerl fame).

 

"Larry Wall invented Perl. If that doesn't show the mind-twisting effect that religion can have on some people, I don't know what does." — UserGogol upon learning that Buy at Amazon.comLarry Wall is Christian.

 

"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."

 

"I would rather use Java than Perl. And I'd rather be eaten by a crocodile than use Java." — Trouser.

 

"Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSs is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders." — Alanna.

 

"I won't program in java anymore. I'm not Marxist and don't believe in classes." — phluid.

 

"Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN'T be like." — pixadel.

 

"While the PHP libraries may be a touch on the fragile and 'arbitrary' side, compared to the libraries in Java, for example, the language itself is like Miss America to Perl's Roseanne Barr." — Fnkmaster.

 

"Perl is like my ex-girlfriend... I used to be all over her^H^H^Hit but am now fawning over the knockout redhead Ruby. Unfortunately, I had several children with my ex that still need to be cared for — feature improvements, bugfixes, restarts. Hopefully one day they'll grow up and leave the house so Ruby can have me all to herself." — tedhiltonhead.

 

"Some people, when confronted with a problem, think 'I know, I'll use regular expressions'. Now they have two problems." — Jamie Zawinski.

 

"Q: When do I need xml ?

A: When I need a new buzz word for my resume." — From the W3 XML page.