Nurtel Essays, Critical-but- Humorous

[Nur]

Nomads

 

Eid Mubaarak

 

 

This thread is an Eid present to sister X Quizit, who I have mistakenly angered with my sarcasm after I 've responded to her questions on polygamy, As a writer, my style is to use sarcasm to provoke thoughts of my readers, but, in no way do i mean harm to anyone, so in case I've ever came across like a hostile to you, rest assured I am not. I smile as as i write.

 

 

Topic 1

 

The Somali Anarchist League

El Doret, Kenya.

 

 

Letter to President Bush.

 

 

Dear President Bush

 

 

We the Somali Anatchists are closely following the war in Iraq, as anarchists, we understand you better than all those people in London and Mideast who demonstrate against your policies. We see you the future leader of the anarchist world, a world in which no one trusts United Nation and in which might makes right. What are weopons good for if not tested every ten years?

 

Of special importance to our Anarchist organization is your result oriented character, you have given a new dimension to your name, you are Mr. Bush, and you sure do not beat around the bush to get what you want, you want oil, and we believe after seeing the fireworks in Bagdaad, that you will get the oil flowing to USA in no time.

 

We are in the information age, the electronic and molecular genetic age, the world under your supremacy became a small village, with an archaic organization ruled by an african guy whose name sounds like starbucks coffee, ( Is it a coincidence that when an African guy ruled the UN the World became chaotic and anarchic World, I am sure that Europeans will say, " Ilmo Xaaji Dhagax baa aduunka xukuma, bal eega sidey aduunkii u galeen?").

 

As Somali anarchists, we like our African UN leader who makes sure that anarchy in the world spreads and prevails, our anarchist organization believe that Mr. Kofi Anan should focus on Malaria and Mosquitoes in Africa ( his true size) and to leave political issues to the superpower warlords like you and regional warlords like us.

 

 

In Contrast, in our regional village of Somalia, we believe in liberation of all weak people who live near rich resources, like Jubbaland and Kismayo, that is why all of our tribes are now fighting over these rich resources just like cats, all the American and European companies will be fighting over the lucrative contracts in Iraq.

 

We also understand that unless something is destroyed it can not be rebuilt, we understand destruction very well, come visit Mogadishu, in the US Embassy in Mogadishu there is a guy who lives near the abandoned American Embassy, his name " JAJABIYE" this is true, we are not joking and e is still there. As you recall we destroyed Somalia, but unlike you, we are broke, can you come and rebuild Somalia for us ?, we would agree to a 50/50 deal and we are ready to sign a 1000 year contract, we want to be liberated like Iraqis so we can taste the freedom by carrying our guns in our pick up trucks just like you guys do it in Texas.

 

For the first time, all anarchists feel that we have a friend in a high place, here are some of the lessons you have tought us, because of brevity I will only discuss two of them today.

 

1. Democracy ( DEM) in ARabic means blood, Cracy means rule, anarchists rule by blood, and we fully agree with that strategy, Bagdaad reminds us Hargeisa being bombarded by the Southafrican contracted Airforce by Siad Barre, and Basra remids us the Mogadishu looting and Bililiqo, that is how we destroyed our country. Are you going to do that to the entire global village?

 

2. Freedom of speech : Say all you can if you do not mind but stay out of the way of our tanks artillery range if you happen to be an independent reporter for non patriotic channels.

 

3. Freedom to bear arms: Only the mightiest warlord is allowed to bear arms,nuclear arms not irresponsible warlords who can misfire and hurt innocent bystanders across the atlantic ocean and mediterranean seas.

 

As we have previously requested, removing Nuclear weaopons from Iraq is a good idea, but make sure you also take it from Russians, Israel, and Reer Qansax, otherwise, we the Somali Anarchists will develop our secret Banana Bomb, our scientists have for the first time isolated a gene in banana that will cause a desease known as smilitus, in the initial trials, volunteers reported non ending episodes of laughter and smiling which is contagious and capabale in neutralizing the entire US Army in minutes. After reading this article if you have smiled, it is possible that you may already be infected, seek medical treatment, which we also help cure with a dervative of the Papaya seed.

 

 

Nur

 

2003 Nurtel Syndicates

 

 

---------------------------------------------

 

 

TOPIC 2

 

 

The Somali Anarchist Declaration Against The Iraq War.

 

 

We, the assocoiation of Anarchists, representing all Somali Factions for unregulated world without a governement, condemn the Iraq invasion. In the Meantime, we are against the proliferation, sale, production, and usage of Banaanas as a Weapon of MOSS destruction, we will never be the first to use a banaana , but will not hesitate to use our banananas for a deterent.

 

We the anarchists union envision an unregulated world without any WMD, no nuclear, Banana, or botanical, biological, insects, camel dung, or any forms for terrorizing the masses.

 

We propose that the USA stop the war, and in return we will work together to disarm the rest of the world. All weopons shall be banned except for swords, that way there will be zero civilian casualty, and only the brave soldiers will fight and the cowards will stay home.

 

The problem as we the anarchists see is that smart bombs equipped with exact GPS location of an enemy, or the ability to ask neighbors of the enemy whereabouts, is threatening the future of anarchy, we are afraid of a controlled world like the Nazi Fuhrer regime in Germany, but this time with sophisticated technology, We do nit like Technology to do the fighting, we want men to fight like men, one on one, so we demand to go back to the old days, when two armies clashed led by their leaders and later, the survivors were declared as winners.

 

We feel that America with 11000 warheads needs to destroy all these nuclear warheads , in return we offer that we freely dispose them and to sell them as scrap, in case America is worried about their dsiposal, ( we do not mind the radiation).

 

Our dream is wars with only swords and sticks, sizes of which shall not be regulated by the UN. Anyone who wants to see the future of wars shall visit our official site:

 

 

 

The official site of the Istunka Afgoi.

 

 

Smali Anarchist Declaration ( SAD)

Eldoret, Kenya

 

" The Best Government, is the least Government"

 

HARRY S. TRUMAN.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

TOPIC 3

 

Banana Terrorism

 

Nurtel News Analyses

 

 

Not Quite The News

 

 

The US Administration is weighing the possibility of declaring war on Somalia after reports that Somali refugees have thrown bananas on Park Avenue in New York, causing many American pedestrians to slip and fall, some with injuries. The banana samples used in these attacks were traced to a small town in Somalia called Afgoi which presents a fresh evidence of complicity of Somalis to commit Banana terrorism to hurt innocent pedestrians along Park Avenue and in affect creating a new weapon of MOSS destruction ( Moss is Somali means Banana) which among other things can cause loss of balance and a lot of laughter for the onlookers, which in turn can endanger their intelligence, the Administration has equated this threat to that of Iraq, and the threat is being taken too seriously by the white House staff as the president ordered bananas for lunch today.

 

 

The administration is taking the case to the UN to get an approval to declare war on Somalia and rid the country of the war lords who have caused a lot of destruction the past 12 years. The administration is looking for the funniest guy in Somalia to lead this nation to happiness after years of pain and sorrow. The White House report shows clear evidence that all the Somali leaders went bananas, and if they are not stopped, the whole world can follow suit. The USA is sharing this report with many countries and specially China the most populous nation in the world, which is worried that if the banana threat comes to china, it will be the most important historical event since the construction of the Great Wall of China.

 

The administration will appoint a commission of advisors for the Somali American banana wars led by the CEO of Dole fruit company who will oversee the dibananaization of Somalis so that Somalia will never be used as launching pad for banana terror aimed at making fun at American citizens walking down American streets. The Banana war will be led by Dole and other fruit companies in Florida citrus belt, California Fruit growers, McDonalds Restaurants and Red Lobster Restaurants. Red Lobster Restaurants have shown interest in the giant Somali Lobsters that are threatening the Dubai markets and destabilizing the Lobster prices which can cause Lobster wars for the unknown kind.

 

As a response to the American possible invasion, the spokesman for the 15 Banana Warlord Governments in Somalia is threatening to use a secret banana formula that will make Americans laugh too much and loose control of their guns during landing, which will make them ineffective to control the Banana farms in Afgoi, The white House meanwhile, is taking this news as a new threat which is sending shockwaves across the Banana complex in Guatamala and Equador.

 

 

NURTEL NETWORK NEWS

No Noose, is A Good News.

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

 

TOPIC 4

 

 

BILILIQO of Iraq

 

 

( ANA) Anarchist News Agency

 

 

The looting and anarchy taking place in Iraq after the power vacuum is similar to that of Somalia circa 1991, Most of us Somalis can relate to Iraq, the only difference is that in only 3 days Iraq will have lost almost 90 percent of its heritage the remnants after Hulako, Jenkhis Khan, Mongols and Tartars, and now, the Americans are there to loot, not gold, but oil.

 

In contrast, Somalia only lost the " Saciid Barqash Museum", Xaawo Taako taallo, Sayyid and Dhagaxtuur Maxamed Madoobe, statues

 

The crowds in Baghdad seem jubilant for the departure of the Butcher of Baghdad, the man who suddenly appeared to power as soon as the Shah of Iran was overthrown by a popular revolution. The Shah was the USA man in the region and he lost his power to angry students who demonstrated in all over the world. Now that Saddam is gone in a mysterious way, we can recall that he coincidentally waged a war against Iran which lasted for ten years in a war he was supported by the Arab countries and the USA who sold him Chemical weapons to kill the Kurds which America is now coming to "liberate". ( During the Iraq-Iran War, Israel was selling weapons to Iran, while USA was selling Sattelite pictures of the Iranian positions to the Iraqis so both USA and Israel made good money while these these rascals annihilated each other. The funny thing is that Saddam could not contiune this last war for more than three weeks against Americans! that really beats me!

 

Saddam ( read backwords as, Mad Aass ) went on rapage again taking over a corporation known as Q8, a little oil colony of Brittain, declaring it as his 19th region after he got assurances from the US Ambassador Mrs Gillespie of Q8 , who told him that US`will not interfere in Arab-Arab affairs.

 

Saddam goes to war, and is again defeated and thousnads of his retreating army are buried alive by US Rambo forces (Which is one reason among many why US and Israel does not want the establishment of International war crime tribunals)

 

After the Q8 adventure, Saddam survives 10 year of embargo, My African friend African Coffee Anan, ( Better than Starbuks) provides Saddam with a McDonalds Hamburger for oil deal, which made all his Iraqi soldires overweight and unable to fight, (you know what big macs can do), While Americam Soldiers were put on Oprah Winfrey Diet of Broccoli and Beans.

 

Now after a show of bravery, Saddam, suddenly disappears in thin air, ( Bootin libaaxle, kuftin sagaarle) along with all of his 19 ministers, leaving his soldiers for target practice by new marine conscripts who are learning their first mock war to prepare for the eventual confrontation with formidable China red army.

 

The Somali anarchist News agency believes that the USA never had a friend better than Saddam, and Noriega, But after their job was finished they have to be retired, or sedated. And for the coming years, Saddam will be a mythical peronality like Elvis Presley, people will argue if he is alive or dead.

 

Thirty years form now, say 2033, some politician will write his memoirs to entertain yet another generetion with the deception and lies that created the gulf war episodes 1 throught 5.( I am just predicting that Syria is also playing the game, USA has to unearth human genocide done by Hafez Asad killing 30 thousands Syrians in Hama in the eighties uprising) Then the Syrian people too can be "libereted", then, the GIs will come to Somalia to settle score with our Somali worlords who will shiver and tremple, knowing the Marines and Rangers are coming to Mogadishu with revenge in their minds, this time Black Hawk will take revenge, taking few warlords to jail in USA with Noiriega. The future is interesting.

 

 

NURTEL NEWS NETWORK

No Noose is Good News

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

 

TOPIC 5

 

Somali Anarchists Letter to George Bush

 

 

Dear Prseident Bush

 

 

On behalf of the Anarchist Association of Somalia I congratulate you for the quick win in Iraq that you badly needed to justify for your upcoming reelection. This letter is coming to you as an inspiration from your friends in the area, friends who believe that the world should be united under a new world government that will establish a new world order ( or disorder) as predicted by your Dad a decade ago.

 

The idea of uniting diverse people, with diverse backgrounds under one world government has eluded the Somali Anarchist Association for the past decade. But, watching the fireworks in Iraq and Afghanistan has reassured your Anarchist Allies in Somalia and the world over that might is indeed right and since you represent the mightiest nation on earth, Somali Anarchists have unanimously decided to be loyal to your world government in order to further the common ideals we share of power brokering. We also support your decision to ignore the UN and all those silly French and German politicians who have no idea of the enormous job that is awaiting you of establishing some sort of a new world order.

 

As I am not capable of writing, this letter was prepared by my secretary his name is Carrabey , meaning he mispronounces and misspells words frequently, so in case some words do make a different sense, you can decide what it means for yourself, just like how you deal with the world bodies such as Human Rights and International War criminals court.

 

The Anarchist, association is commending you for acting locally and sinking globally , sorry ( Carrabey misspelled this one, I meant Thinking Globally). The question that forces itself in light of current world affairs is how can America sink globally when it is acting so well locally.? The answer according to the Somali Anarchist Sinkers and the Somali Chaotic Sink Tank, is that great empires sink big when they spread themselves too sin (thin) and after a while implode after all the resources they have stole all those years are used up in adventures far from home and when their moral high ground of " Justice for All" becomes meaningless at home and overseas, which affects the productivity mindset of the citizenry and even increases contempt for the Emperor's power, triggering an avalanche of mishaps that brings the empire down, just like it did to Empires of old, which in effect gives a new meaning to the negative of Descartes famous argument " I Sink, therefore I do NOT Exist"

 

As an anarchist, I share with you the notion that there is no need for the United Nations, I believe that Coffee Anan Salary can feed 200,000 Somalis per day, so, by disbanding these gangs who live on poor peoples misery cycle, we believe that your highness as the new Emperor of the New World Order, that you can reach the end users of the US aid directly, cutting off the middle man, and you do not have to pay your hard cash, you can literally pay peanuts, (Peter Pan Brand is my favorite). Somalis would be grateful to consume the overproduced American wheat cereals and Florida Citrus ( frozen Concentrates before they expire) which in economic terms can create the dependence of the Somali economy on American aid, thus making them obedient while at the same time stabilizing commodity prices in the USA ( Do not worry, in case Somalis get sick, you can send expired medicines, and you are the Judge and the Policeman)

 

The UN is a waste of resources, and as the Thief executive officer of the World, ( I mean Chief Executive, Carrabey, my secretary misspells frequently) you should invade the UN building, since the UN office is in New York, a US property, and then disband them. If anyone disagrees with you, remind them that there should be only one world Power, and one United Nations. How can they forget that there are more Germans in Wyoming than Bavaria's Black Forest and more Gadabursi in Ohio than in Borama. So, the new United Nations should be declared as The United States of America, a nation of nations in a melting pot not a salad bowl like Soviet union.

 

I know that you like to compensate Chairman Coffe Anan once you disband the UN. The ( EDCO) Entrepreneurial Development Cooperative Office of The Somali Anarchist Association will closely work with Coffee Anan to trade mark his name in all Somali tribal Jurisdictions as a Caf� for the Armchair Veteran Generals of The Somali Civil War ( Fadhi Ku Dirir), We would even consider to nominate him the Honorary Visiting Anarchist of the year, to thank him for all the anarchy that his organization helped create and maintain in Somalia and the world.

 

 

Mr. Carrabey, signing

 

for Mr. Cag Biciid of Nurtel

 

Nairobi, Kenya

 

2003 Nurtel Network News

No Noose is Good News

[Haashim]

This is the respond From His superme president bush (dhalada markay jabto),

 

Jaalle Nur and the association that you're representing i want to make you clear America is at war (don't you listen my mister of difficit raamisfiilito) he made clear that we're at war with tororoglayaasha, all the tororoglayaal should be put in either guantanamo or juulo jawaay.

Mr Nur, your suuggestions are exactly what the tororoglayaashu would like to see i.e to fight with swords. no way mr Nur. they lost that chance. my soldiers don't go war unless they make sure that the war is (99.99% according to ministry of defficit) and (100% according to the sii aayee) safe.

 

My obligation in iraq is to expell all foreigners from iraq except anglo saxon freedom fighters who looted babylon treasures and looting at this moment HARUN AL-RASHIDS treasure.

we will not withdraw iraq until we find Hajjaj's treasure which we think that is buried somwhere in the death triangle (between Baghdad, Falluja and Bacquuba).

 

Mr Nur in relation to the weapons of mass distribution i know that some somali warlords are manufacturing this kind of weapons with the help of their tororoglayaal friends.

Mr nur we have different starategies to deal with those warlords. one of our obtions is to throw food aid from the sky to the rural araes , so that civilians would get out the city to collect the food aid and when we make sure that only warlords remain the city we send our special forces to bring them justice outside the somali territory like Juulo Jawaay.

 

we didn't forget 13 us special forces that we lost in 1993 and we will not repear such a mistake again.

 

Mr nur finally i will make you sure that somalia will return peace when i capture those warlords and the Istunka Afgooye will start again as usual but with jeeps and shilke at this time and no more sticks because the people who were trained with sticks are either died or live in Las Vegas or Chicago and the young generation haven't seen other than the basuuka and hoobiye

 

i will send my vice diik jinni to take part Istunka game and to contact our friends in somalia on the issue of olio caddayda and macsarada and gaaska faynuusaha in somalia as he is khabiir on these issues.

 

in particullar we're very interesting in the Sisisnta for the Mcdonald's hamburg. each bread should ahve some Sisin on it.

[Paragon]

Nur - sxb

 

I like this. I really do. Thank you for your humorous-but-critically set essays. Very humorous indeed. Would you be so kind to let me distribute them to a wider audience? I am sure they would love reading the essays..

 

Muraad lol ...sheekhow thats a fab response... "don't you listen to mister difficit raamisfiilato?" lol

 

and I declare me-self a member of S.A.D - Somali Anarchist Daclaration.

[Paragon]

I am gonna have to come back to this topic later-on. It contains much information that deserve a 'critical' consideration.

[Coloow]

Ku socoto Guddoomiyaha Ururka biliqo,

 

Ujeedo: warcelin

 

Taliye, Marka hore aan afeef ku bilaabo doodeeyda. Maadaama uu beriga iga maqanyahay kurigii farta gaalada la geliyey, waxaan door biday inaan war celinta ku soo qoro af maxaa tiriga.

 

Guddiga reer garamgaram oo aan madax ka ahay, arrimahaad kor ku soo xustey waay kugu raacsanyihiin. Hase yeeshe, waxaan qabnaa arrimahan:

 

Markaan faalada u kaco, falaar meel lagu fariyo, hal faataxa ayaa iiga fudud inaan ka faaleeyo falalka foosha xun ee reer falfaliir aay ka wadaan goobaha aay deganaa reerka carabta ah.

 

Guddigaan waxuu doonayaa inuu soo cuskado sayidka oo hore u yiri "caliyow cabaadka(cakaarka) daa carabi waa naage".

 

Nimaanka ilaaheey uu ku bishaareey wax sida biyaha u muuqdo oo haddana baabuurta ka xiimiyo, hantina leh, waxaay door bideen inaay hantidooda geeyaan carliga gaalada si loogu dulaalo lacagtoodi, hub lagu laayana loo sameeysto.

 

Beri ayaa waxaa igu maqal ah, mid reer garas ah oo xamar joogay inuu qabanqaabiyey dood cilmiyeed oo ku saleeysan in la caawiyo nimankaasi ashahaada aan wadaagno: Islaan da' ahayd oo dhageeysaneeysay doodaasi ayaa waxaay tiri: MANDHOOW II MACNEEY WAA KUWEE DADKA AAN KA HADLEEYNO? Markaasa ninkii reer garas ahaa wuxuu yiri: WAA NIMANKA CARABTA AH OO WALALAHEENA ah.. markaasi ayaay tiri: NAGA daa carabta maandhoow rubac yarida ayaan ku nacee (Malaha islaanta waxaay wax ka gadan jirtey dukaan ku yaal xamar oo nin carab ah iska leeyahay; markaasu miisaanka ku qiyaameeyn jirey).

 

Taliye, waxaan warkeeyga ku soo gunaanudayaa gabay uu beri tiriyey nin la yiraahdo Yamyam oo uu ku dhaliiceeynaayey dagaalkii aan amxaarada iyo kuuba naasweyn iyo xulafada warsaw aan ku qaadney. Ninkaasi gabayaaga ah wuxuu yiri asagoo ka duulaayo dhibataada somaliweynta somalia ku sugan:

 

"Intaan leenahay somali galbeed, soomali nfd aan xoreyno, bal aan is weeydiino inaay somalidda konfureed, bariyeed, waqooyi aay xurtahay".

 

Marka Jaalle taliye, haddii aan nahay reer garamgaram, reer qurac, reer garas iyo weliba reer mareer, qumanahayaga ayaa qorta noogu jira, oo anagoo qaran ahayn baanu noqonay kuwa qabyaaladu aay kala qeybisay , qoysba qoys dhaco, qabtana aan isku haayno, sida qoonka fircoon;

 

Nimaankaasi xukumayo carabta isku nabi unbaan nahay (inkastoo dadkóoda isku diin nahay). Inaan afar faataxo u soo marno mooye awood kala malihin.

 

Waxaan quud dareeynayaa in markii uu yimaado kureygii dhal awliyo, aan maqaal dheeri ah oo afka gaalada ku qoran soo gudbiyo:

 

 

Nabadgelyo,

Jaalle Jaahil

Guddoomiyaha garamgaramta joogto carliyada laiska dhiibo!

[Nur]

Nurtel Network News

 

Special Report

 

The Nairobi Convention

 

 

A group of politcians comprised of Somalis, Americans and Somali Americans are on their way to Nairobi to asecrtain a fair election for the delegates who are representing Somlai tribes and religions and sexual preferences minorities.

 

The American Professinal Liars Association, the sponsor of the Niarobi Convention and the Somali Anarchists Union are working very closely to create a governorship ( reporting daily to the US Amabassador in Hargeisa) to reperesnt American interests in the region.

 

Cag Biciid, the flamboyant candidate and favored choice of the American Professional Liars Association will be presenting his visionary policies very soon exclusively on this thread.

 

Mr. Cag Biciid, an avowed pragmatist, does not beat around the " BUSH", he will not settle for cafeinated promises by "KOFI " Anan when his people are hungry for Condi " Rice" Brand and concrete deliveries of badly needed infrastructure stolen from Iraq, specially the power and telecom equipment and Islamic books that were difficult to burn, our Somali Sheikhs would appreciate to salvage the old books in any CONDI-tion.

 

PLease visist this page again for Mr. Cag Biciid's daring proposal for his country and people.

 

Cag Biciid For President campaign

 

 

Nurtel Network News

No Noose, is a Good news

[Nur]

Nurtel Network News

 

 

Presents:

 

 

State of the Somali Union Report

 

Prepared By:

 

Somali Anarchist News Agency

 

Doofarrey, Kenya

 

 

Now that Iraq is being governed by the USA, to be inducted to the modern developed world, and the fact that the US has appointed retired general Gartner as the Imperial Administrator, the Somali Anarchist News Agency is conducting a survey here in Doofaarrey to see if Somalis are ready for a similar American Imperialist care taker government. The last care taker government, the Italians, built roads, schools, cinemas, civil service in the south, Somalis paid for these services with the delicious Somalita bananas.

 

Since the literacy rate at that time was only about 2 percent, anyone who ran for an office was assured to be elected, as a famous politician told his clan, exhorting them to participate in the political process and to become sophisticated.

 

"You must be modernized, smoke cigarettes, wear western trousers, drink red drinks (alcohol), walk the streets like civilized people". Another politician who lost a government post as a Minister, was immediately compensated with the job of the Head of Mogadishu Municipality. In his inauguration, a poet sang for him, " Mukhtaaroow, Minister waa ka weynaatay, ee minishiibiyaad tahay" meaning, " O mukhtaar, you are too good to be a cabinet Minister, you are the head of municipality"

 

Now, after some half a century since the last Imperialist Italian care taker government left Somali soil, Somalis have evacuated the country side, overpopulating cities and towns looking for handouts, dressing trousers and smoking cigarettes to be civilized as their leaders taught them, neglecting their farms, and their rich nomadic lifestyle, burning their forestry to export charcoal to Arabia, selling out their marine resources to Japanese and European trawlers vacuuming up the marine- life- rich Somali coasts, destroying the remaining marine treasures and the crustacean habitat by selling the giant Somali Japanicus lobsters for peanuts in the Dubai auction market, and in the process, these samrt traders are undercutting each other's prices along tribal affiliations and as a result enriching the Indian traders who play Somali Exporters one on the other. These Somali traders are over shipping their livestock to the middle east for peanuts.

 

The picture is not quite complete without the Nuclear waste hosting service our warlords offered Italian and European governments to use Somali coasts for a dumping ground of Medical and Nuclear waste, in a wasted land inhabited by a wasted people.

 

Meanwhile, women and kids are dying of malnutrition, young boys and girls are missing education. And since there is no waste management system in place, people are digging holes in front of their houses to bury their waste, passing the problem for later generations to worry about and as a result, toxicity is seeping down to the water table to circulate the poison and diseases to many other regions and generations to come.

 

Automatic weapons are being traded in the open markets, in the absence of a law enforcement authority, disputes are being settled the old fashioned Western trigger happy way, money is being funneled from overseas refugee clan members to feed the phony peace initiative at Doofaarrey, ( Peace in Somalia is defined as a period of cheating between two periods of fighting, how can you ever trust reer Qansax?)

 

Amidst that gloomy scenario, Somalis are tuning to the BBC world Service News Service for spiritual guidance, they learn that Iraq is liberated and is being governed by the Americans who will treat Iraqis like Alaskans, sending a check of $1,546, to every Iraqi Citizen as her share of the Iraqi Oil revenues. Can you believe that these are the same Americans, Somalis fought so ferociously in 1993 when they came to liberate the country from the warlords grip. The Americans owe their success in Iraq to their experience in Somalia a decade ago, those damn reporters footage of a dead American Ranger being dragged naked on the ground by kids brought the most powerful nation on earth to its knees. This incident triggered a moral dilemma that forced the USA to pull its troops in haste to appease angry citizens, but only to sharpen its claws for yet another national interest adventure ( detail of the lesson will be posted in another thread inshAllah)

 

In light of the above analyses, and monumental problems ahead, a question that forces itself is:

 

"can Somalis afford to loose out on both worlds? they have ruined this life as they have known it, and apparently, have no better chance than Americans in the next, as they are at present intoxicated with evil clan politics, hate culture, and decadent lifestyle. At least Americans know one life to live, and for its sake, they are vigorously pursuing it to adjust it to their interest. As an example if America finds that Uranium deposits in Mijiyahan, Bosaso region, to be of vital US national interest, America will come with its ships, planes and Fox News, on any meager pretext, ( Please read the Anarchist News article of Banana Terrorism), may be to liberate the reer Bari people from their leaders, enticing them with schools, hospitals, golf courses, and of course to teach them principles of Basic Democracy for Dummies, ( King George Bush Version).

 

All the while, the warlords and politicians are busy conducting conferences, in five star hotels, enjoying hot meals and sanitary facilities not available in their home districts. The afternoon in Doofaarrey, is the tea party time, little Mira chewing and womanizing sessions, delegates are busy filling their big mouths with the narcotic weed, their lungs with toxic fumes, and their minds with hate for their fellow countrymen of the other clans, what a healthy conference for a promising bright future for the Somali species?

 

 

Miss Piggy,

Reporting from Doofaarrey.

 

For:

 

Nurtel Network News

 

Where a spade is called a spade

[Nur]

Nurtel News Network

 

Presents a preview

 

Breaking News from: Eastleigh, Nairobi.

 

 

SADDAM CAPTURED.

 

 

An urgent Letter from Somali Anarchists.

 

 

Dear President Bush.

 

 

Congratulations for capturing Santa Claus who was hiding in Iraq all these months disguisnig himself as Saddamn Hussein.

 

In this ( Fadhi Ku Dirir) Armchair Generals coffee shop in Nairobi, most of the anarchists watching the CNN and NBCMSN networks with me were stunned, of how skillfully you caught Santa in Baghdad while he actually lived in the North Pole where a sizeable Somali Community lives herding Raindeers for Santa near Helsinki, Finland. For the fisrt time in history, Americans will enjoy a dark sikinned Santa SADDAM with camels and giving away fee oil to the American people.

 

World anarchy would not have been complete without this stunt you've pulled just before Christmas, so a perfect Christmas with Santa SADDAM bringing all the goodies to American homes on Christmas eve would be a picture perfect holiday, and according to the ( AIDDEED) Agency for the International Dissemination of Deception of Euphoric Endemic Democracy, the person captured was indeed Sad Damn guy who was caught seven months ago and kept in the north pole with Santa Clause as a room mate, so that your presidential prayers can be accepted at will, HO HO HO, ( pronounced as OIL, OIL, OIL,) SADDAM coming out of your texas ranch chimney delivering happiness to the Bush Clan, giving a new meaning to the famous story of Bushladin and the forty Bagdad theifs.

 

The American Liars association has even confirmed that, Bushladen, I meant Bin Laden, is also at the North Pole, waiting to be released next thanks giving just in time for the November elections in a similar ceremony in which he is expected to renounce terrorism as a means of opposing freedom by eating in public a Mc Donalds Big Mac Burger and washing it down with Coca Cola, after which he will be appointed to be the new CEO of Halliburton in Iraq for a jubilant Iraqi crowd. Halliburton, Coca Cola and Big Mac being cornerstones of American values, which makes the Somali Anarchists worry for their safety as America is running out of artificial enemies.

 

But as we have previously offered, we Somali anarchists are very supportive of world chaos, so the more chaos that you can plan and execute, the longer we can operate in east Africa, what are friends for if they are not covering each other?

 

Dear President Bush, We also want you to know that the Somali Anarchists prayed with you for Santa to come to your home in your Texas ranch, to deliver Saddamn , " Mamma, all I want is Saddam for Chrismas, please..." was your first request to Mrs. Barbara, and " I want to pull SADDAMS mustaches and not get hurt" being your last wish. Now you can do it from the comfort of your living room, thanks to the remote controlled mustache pulker and shaver developed by NASA to civilize leaders who have to much facial hair and little understanding of democracy.

 

But your mom , who agreed to pray for your wish if you behaved like a good Baptist kid for one year, is happy that you deserve this present since you have been a good christian the past year by turning your other cheek when the Japanese threatened trade war spear headed by the sushi embargo, if you did not allow their cheap steel to be sold in America thereby threatening the already fragile American Government subsidized steel industry.

 

 

Waddayaknow, you get two blesings for the price of one prayer, Santa dressed as Saddaamn. Anyay, we the Somali Anarchists would like to pay for his costs from the Qat revenues if you would allow him to set up the International University of Anarchy in Somalia with the honorary chairmanship of Coffe Anan, the Deanship of Condi Rice and the Presidency of Powel, three black people who are helping the anarchy in our world and proving the notion the Republicans always held that if you let black people rule the world, with the help of a Texan Cowboy, that you would have an ideal anarchist world, our common goal which is progressing just fine.

 

Wishing you a happy Christmas, save some Turkey for Saddamn.

 

 

Cag Biciid

 

For URWWG Unregulated World Without a Government.

 

2003 Nurtel Network News

No Noose is a good news

[Nur]

Geel Qaad

 

 

you write:

 

 

Originally posted by JamaaL-11:

Nur - sxb

 

I like this. I really do. Thank you for your humorous-but-critically set essays. Very humorous indeed. Would you be so kind to let me distribute them to a wider audience? I am sure they would love reading the essays..

 

Muraad lol ...sheekhow thats a fab response... "don't you listen to mister difficit raamisfiilato?" lol

 

and I declare me-self a member of S.A.D - Somali Anarchist Daclaration.

Geel Qaad walaal

 

What an intersting name, I hope that you are not related to General who took our camels away from the Hawd area of burco? and forced law and order in the Ethipian held territories off of the Burco region by taking the camels of outlaws who then take a refuge in the Ethipian held Hawd.

 

Anyway, you are free to distribute this and every Nurtel article for your audience in the Hawd area and beyound for a licensing fee of sincere duaa for xusnul khaatimah for Brother Nur.

 

2003 Nurtel Syndicates

Licensing Division

 

Nur

[Coloow]

You must be modernized, smoke cigarettes, wear western trousers, drink red drinks (alcohol), walk the streets like civilized people". Another politician who lost a government post as a Minister, was immediately compensated with the job of the Head of Mogadishu Municipality. In his inauguration, a poet sang for him, " Mukhtaaroow, Minister waa ka weynaatay, ee minishiibiyaad tahay" meaning, " O mukhtaar, you are too good to be a cabinet Minister, you are the head of municipality"

LOL@@@@@@@@@@@@@2that was a line from the late Zoope...lama lama indareeraw, biyo gaduudka waraaba!

 

The mukhtaarow one was I assume in reference to sheikh mukhtar the speaker of the somali parliament! it was SHIRB!

 

Nuurow,

 

Dear Cagabaciid,

 

We the association of the somali gurti and gun who live in the carliga gaalada would like to bring to the forefront our concerns in regards to the process of reconciliation.

 

Sir, as you may be aware, we have been thanking Allah and the gaalo equally recently for providing us with quud. We would like to draw your attention to the benefits of the living in the carliga gaaladda.

 

You see Mr. Cagabaciid, peace in somalia would mean:

 

1) return to the warm climate of africa which would turn our skins into black! Since our departure we have bleaching our skin to look like our masters.

 

2)work to feed our families. As the situation is today, most of us don't need to indulge in hard work. We are employed by the Cayr (shabta) organisation whose guidelines/job description include signing a form.

 

3)miss the good things including music, computers and TV which would be replaced by dikri, quran akhris, habaryar, abti adeer!

 

 

We therefore request the somali anarchist association to work for a non settlement of the somali problem.

 

 

Sincerely yours,

Culusow qowdhan aweys madeey!

[Paragon]

What an intersting name, I hope that you are not related to General who took our camels away from the Hawd area of burco? and forced law and order in the Ethipian held territories off of the Burco region by taking the camels of outlaws who then take a refuge in the Ethipian held Hawd.

LOL Nur. The interesting name attracted potential suers who claim I have something to do with a Geel-hustling that took place in the Hawdka. It must be your comment that awokened old waranle-yaal. lol I have changed to my old one...

 

Sxb thanks...I shall broadcast your words with a loudspeaker.

[Nur]

Jamaal bro.

 

I was just kiddimg bro. But jamaal is deffinetely a better screen name, keep the patrols up and may Allah bless our miderators, amin.

 

Nur

[Paragon]

I know bro. Ducada kulligeen, aamiin!

[Nur]

Nurtel CEO Visit To Somalia 2001-2002

 

 

Fact Finding Trip Report fro jump starting Somalia Operational System Version 91.0

 

 

Somalia 91.0 has crashed beyound repair, for the last 12 years unqualified technicians and engineers have attempted to treouble shoot the system, but with no result, today users are running their applications on smaller systems written to run essential applications, required by users.

 

By far the most stable of the new systems is Somaliland 2002, specially after the first smooth log-on and password change of the new system Manager to replace the last system manager. Somaliland 2002 supports the following applications

 

1. Peace and security ( Foreign ASP Application Service Provider supported)

2. Education

3. Industry and commerce

4. Spiritulity (Coordination with Foreign ASP requirements)

5. Healthcare ( with add on application)

 

After examining the system at the main terminal ( Hargeisa Airport), I could not believe how efficient the system works, it is too scary when you think about how smoothely the system handles peace and tranquillity application. Recently the system has shown some cracks when it failed to run Tranquillity and peace application in Las Anod, a disputed site wher two systems are competing for users.

 

Another application that replaced Somalia 91.0 is the puntland 2002, a robust system remotely controled via wireless from a main frame in a non native environment, Puntland 2002 worked efficiently for the past ten years, but the system was designed to support exisiting Commercial applications.

 

Lately though the system crashed couple of times, but the system manager restored operation back to normal in record time. Some users have tried to run some spirituality applications on Puntland 2002 with no successs, System managers decided not to run any spiritual application on the Puntland 2002 system. In my last trip to Galkaio, engineers who declined to be named confided to me that the reason the Puntland system does not support Spirituality application is because , a non standard interface connecting the system to a non-native host system database in Addis Ababa. Host System In Addis conflicts with the spirituality applications, because it was not designed from the beginning to support spirituality applications.

 

When I visited Mogadishu, the HQ that housed Somalia 91.0 system, I was amazed how resourceful the local residents were, theirs is a system that everyone can log on in Mogadishu and vicinities, called CHAOS 2002. The sytem allows multiple access, no passwords are required to access the system, and everyone has access to the source code if they can invoke a Clan allegiance password.

 

What surprised me in the Chaos 2002 was that it actually runs well if you adjust your pull down menue buton to ( Personal security very low to insignificant) mode, while touring the HQ, I could hear loud sounds and the system engineers assured me that it was a periodic system crashs caused by two subusers belonging to the Father-of-Camels Clan, Engineers spent four days to run the ( tranquillity application) The engineers later told me that the Little-Orphans subClan are not compatible with the Good-News-Reporters subClan, but a temporary solution was found, the Engineers were more worried about another system inconsitency affecting other system users such as the Happiness Clan and their cousins.

 

The strength of Chaos 2002 system is that it is a distributed system, humming within the HQ environment, it could be down in Medina but working fine in Laba dhagax, users are used to fatal errors, they believe that at any time the system can crash, those not affected carry on and live goes on.

 

South of Mogadishu, I was told , that in Kismaio the CHAOS 2002 is working fine and the Jubba lands are connected to Addis Ababa via sattelite where foreign engineers are maintaing the system to make sure that if any integrated systems is placed in Mogadishu, that the system should support the Applications Service Providers current applications, specially the Tigrenya Security and Fisq applications.

 

After this quick tour, I thought about the idea of developing a new system that can accomodate all users who were using the Somalia 91.0 and here is my initial plan:

 

 

Phase one: Gather requirements of the system ( From Somalinet audience) Here I need your input, what would you like the system to do?

 

User groups can be : 1. Tribal, Color, Sex, Religious preference, Anarchists, etc.dreamers, ..

 

Their requirements can be: Peace, food, faith, health care, education, fun, sports etc.

 

The outcome possibilities are result of the matrix of the above two lines. but to filter them to workable sets, we need to analyze the requirements which brings us to next Phase.

 

Phase Two: Analyze requirements of different user groups for conflict. Developers are worried that some users requirements may critically impair other users or put them out of business. So a delicate job is to weigh the requirements by a fair benchmark, This will lead us to set up a Standard and a Benchmark to accomodate all groups, or as much s possible.

 

Phase Three: Agreement on common standards acceptable to all: After studying the standards issue, our developers have come to a difficult standard: Here is their Motivation:

 

If we select any groups standatd, the other will refuse, because each standard protects the group that has endorsed it, so to be fair we looked for a standard by an outsider. Here we found two choices.

 

1. Terrestial

2. Extra terrestial

 

after a long debate, the Developers agreed to adopt the Extra Terrestial Benchmark standard. Again Developers found many Standards that claim to be Extra terrestial, after careful examining of all the Standards, the Developers selected ISLAM as the best fit solution for the Somali Users of the sytem, since virtually all Somalis accept this standard, a unanimous deceision was reached to Adobt Islam as the Standard on which to base the Sytem requirements.

 

Phase Four: Conflict resolution based on Standards : Once the Islam Standard is established, A developer team will carry out a Conflict resolution project to narrow down conflicts and bridge concerns, one ancient remedy in this regard is to have each Clans representative marry from its rival to cement love and affection. Other ideas are still flowing and yours is needed.

 

Phase Four: Technical Requirements of the system ( technical Team) Here, A technical team will meet to sift through the heaps of documents collected in other phases, and will meticulously lay down a unified list of requirements for the system, to be presented to Sytem designers.

 

Phase five: System Design this phase will employ all talents available to translate the requiremens into a working system. Your resumes are needed so that we can use your skills where they are neede best.

 

Phase Six: System Testing: Developers will test the system in selected sites, depending on the application mostly used and needed

 

Final Phase: Soft Launch of the system, without any fanfare, the system will be launched quitely and Developers will be on the highest allert to respond to any failures. A Call Center will be set up to learn dynamically the problems, log histories, follow up repair and assign jobs to the most qualified technicians on the pool. A CRM system will be employed to work with the Call center. The Call center will be managed by System specialists who have helped in the development, later , the most experienced Developer will be propmoted to become Chief System Manager, He will not be a human, he will be a SONY assembed ROBOT with artificial intelligence.

 

 

Nur Productions 2002, All rights are Reserved until further Notice.

 

 

Nur

[Nur]

Coming Soon!

 

 

Somali Anarchist Union

American Liars Association

 

Joint Commuinique on

 

 

Terror and Hunger In The Horn Of Africa

 

Thousands Of Somalis Are Dying Out Of Hunger, Due To Draught, while 9 Anarchist Leaders Are Paid To Chase An Illussive Enemy.

 

 

Nur