Pete Posted May 6, 2003 Hi, we are a fosterfamily to a teenager boy with somalian origin. I wonder how we can help him to understand the family rules we have and show us some respect. Unfortunately he is very selfish and don´t really want or do want to understand that he has to keep a dialouge with us regarding different issues, Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nefertiti Posted May 6, 2003 Dear Pete, First off, let me start by saying that I think the work you are doing is great. And I’m sure even though your foster child is not showing apparent appreciation; in the long term he will love & respect you for it. I can imagine that dealing with a wilful child is problematic, but maybe he is not doing this to get back at you. I’m sure your foster child has some serious abandonment issues that he needs to deal with, and you can help him with those. Right now, I’m sure he feels like the whole world is against him, and you have to make clear to him that you and your family aren’t against him. You may have realised that, because of your foster child’s predicament, he has some serious psychological issues that have to be approached very cautiously. I mean there must have obviously been something big to land him in this situation. Maybe your foster child had a bad childhood. If so, then you need to let him know you are there for him, and will not abandon him, which is probably what's happened so far, and what has him scared. I think he is acting this way, because he is very frightened. Children need a routine in order to become attached to a caregiver, i.e. your self. So please try to provide this—if you are not already doing so. I wonder how we can help him to understand the family rules we have and show us some respect. Try to make him learn respect by associating this with something pleasant he likes. Also try to reward good behaviour displayed by treating him like an adult if you are not already. This includes sitting him down and having a two-way dialogue like two adults do. The transition of intolerable behaviour to tolerable behaviour will not happen over night. Don't get me wrong I am not trying to scare you off but these things take time and they are the ultimate self-evaluation of your personality characteristics. Then again, show him love. And like I keep saying show him you’re there for him. Unfortunately he is very selfish and don´t really want or do want to understand that he has to keep a dialouge with us regarding different issues, This above seems a bit harsh because you can't make a human do something unless they want to participate voluntary. Instead of telling try asking him his opinion and efforts to engage him in conversations should be made. His level of communication might not be the greatest due to the understandable trauma encountered in the past. But I’m not criticizing. The above are only my opinions and assumptions, and like I said, I think you are doing a great job. It’s good that some people actually care in the world, and please dont stop. Good luck, and let us know how you get on… ~QoxootiMammi~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mujahida Posted May 6, 2003 QoxootiMammi That was well Said Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kool_Kat Posted May 7, 2003 Are you and child, both Somali? It is not good to assume, but I assume you are not...Of course no offense intended... In any case, it all depends on how long this child has been under your care...If it is just recently, I am sure he'll come around...May be he's not used to having such family rules; therefore, is having hard time adjusting to your family rules... I don't know the reason he was put in foster home, but you should make an effort to find out the type of family he came from...What rules they had, if any, to understand what he needs, or why he's acting in a certain way to certain rules...May be he didn't have any rules at all...Who knows... I was just checking your web site and looks like this child was placed under your care so he could study, again I am just assuming...If this is the case, then of course you'll have problems with this child...After all, he's being expose to a new country, culture, language, and people...He just needs some time to adjust... As for you, as long as you think/believe this child is selfish , you'll never come to understand him or his needs...You as the foster parent have to do everything possible in making this child comfortable... QaxootiMammi, very well said...Do I sense a little Dr Phil in you? lol... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nefertiti Posted May 7, 2003 Thank you sisters both lateafha and kool_kat...just doing my good deed for the day.... It's a subject close to my heart and I am just sharing ma opinions. ~QoxootiMammi~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pete Posted September 27, 2003 Dear Nefertiti and Kool_Kat we are of swedish-german-swiss origin and our fosterkid has lived here for 12 years and in our family for 2 years. We are having our ups and downs, he is a lovely kid very intellegent. The big problem with him is still that he won´t communicate with us on an adult level. He is very egocentric and thinkt that the wirld is spinning around him. I guess he is not that different from other teenagers, but it gets so frustrating at times. The webpage is just a hobby, our kid is not placed with us through that organisation, but through the social services. Pete Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Changed Posted September 27, 2003 pete from what u wrote am asuming the child has been living with another family for 10 years before he was put in ur custody, just imagine with what he is going through, am guesing u are of different race and of a different religion that obiviously will make the kid retaliate, he does not want to change , he will actually adopt some habit just to be extreme , i know it hard taking care of a kid who has no respect for house rules and trust me am not trying to make excuse for the kid but think about it for a while , he doesnt know the damage he is causing and u dont know what he is going through(that is cuz we human tend to be selfish and think of nothing but our needs ), to be taken away from the people u lived with by the social services already made him powerless and the only power he has now is the power of not following the house rules , do u know what i mean.. my advice on how to deal with him is be nice with him " love wins everyone heart" and trust me he will come around , even though he does not care of u taking him in and giving him a home he will eventually come to love u for that , Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zakariye Posted September 28, 2003 s/alykum Well Peter first of all congratulation for even considering becoming a foster parent ,it is the taughest job that a parent can do. Secondly i don't think this is an issue of Race at all,cz you told us the child is somali origin and we somalis don't consider most of the time Race factors seriously, having said that, all i can suggest to you is make sure you level with this kid according to the rule of the house,no buts or ifs , he should follow the rule and obey it, it is a simple rule and he should follow,but gently also find out what is bothering, there must be something deeper that is driving him this sort of anger,find out and talk to him one on one, i bet he will crack and open up to you. I hope it works it and plz inform us how you solve this issue. a/salam Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kool_Kat Posted September 28, 2003 You should accept him for who he is and try to understand where he's coming from...How can he communicate with you on an adult level when he's only a teen... Teens go through a lot, and you have to be willing to understand them...I am sure if he were your own child you wouldn't be talking this way...Teens do so many things until they get an understanding of life itself...And as long as you believe he's very egocentric and thinkt that the world is spinning around him, you'll never get anywhere with him...Because you'll try to get your point across and he'll try even harder to get his across to you, whether you understand it or not... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pete Posted September 29, 2003 Well, what shall I reply.... he was sent to Europe by his mother and was taken care of an aunt. In the long run that didnt work and finally he asked the social services if he could be placed at another family. I know that it is a tough thing to be separated from family (we have that experience in my family) but he has allways kept a contact with his mom. I think that the frustration he is going through is beaccause he cant be living with his mom now when he can experience how a loving family works. We giver him lots ov love. Telling him that we care for him in words and action, but also that we have a hard time putting uo with his behaviour in the long run. As for my own kids, I will never accept them behaiving the way he is doing at times. We just want a working social relationship, we know that we never kan replace his family and that is not our goal, we have encourige him to invite relatives, but with no result, well in fact another aunt of him was visiting us for a week, wich he had a very hard time to accept. Well take car efor now Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_gal Posted September 29, 2003 Hey there It's kind of u to actually have considered taking in a fosterchild not a lot of people can do that especially a kid from a different race...... I only have one question what kinda rules are u setting for this kid.... cause if it's telling him to eat pork or clean everyones room's, then that's a different story.. :rolleyes: If not then Here's my respond to ur question I wonder how we can help him to understand the family rules we have and show us some respect The kid was living with his aunt before he came to u so don't treat him like he's just come from another swedish-german family. When u speak to him don't call him names or say urselfish like u described him on this forum. Speak to him kindly and generoulsy and don't demand him to do things. Do something generous like buy him a phone card to speak with his mom on the phone. cause he probably needs his mom more than anyone else. ( ur not trying to replace his family so let him keep his family). Make him a part of ur family not apart from ur family. ................................................ hope that helps Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pete Posted October 5, 2003 Well Seweet_gal, the rules we have is that weekdays we want him to be at home from 10pm and in weekends 1.30am, this is bacauese we live 8 km from the city and has to get him, weekdays we also want him to be fit for school. If he wants to stay at a friends house (weekends) we want to know that some day ahead and with whom he is staying. If he invites some friends to visit him over the weekend we also want him to notify us so we can plan for the food(at times he brings 4 or 5 friends at home). When he calls to get picket up we just want him to ask us in a nice manner, its not fun to pick up the phone to hear: "come and get me!" instead of: Hi, it´s xxxxx can you pick me up at this and this time? He gets quite frustrated when we won´t pick him up at the very moment when he calls. Regarding money and things. We know that his aunt allways could´t provide him with cool things and money. We can, and do without trying to spoil hom. Everything we get from the social services for keeping him do we give back to him one way or another, and more. Like cell phones, CD walkmans, phone cards, clothes, etc. And we certainly don´t feed him pork. I have to go, my smaller kids want´s to play LEGO. Take care for now. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pete Posted October 7, 2003 What does Habash or something similar mean? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuCkY Posted October 8, 2003 WeLL Pete,for the most part peopLe here have given you good(some)advices so no need for me to be repetitive. ALL i can say is good Luck with him and maybe in time he wiLL come around and see that you onLy want whats best for him. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_gal Posted October 11, 2003 Well Pete Those are reasonable things...So here's my advice -Ground him, just cause he isn't ur kid doesn't mean u can't treat him like ur own child -Do what u would do with ur kid, he's no different...But what exactly would u do with ur kid if he was staying out late and breaking the rules of the house A) beat him ( wrong) B) Ground him ( right) B) yell and say harsh things ( wrong) But tell him why ur gounding him, not just go to ur room and ur grounded for this long... I am sure he didn't do this at his aunts house...Tell him that he needs to respect ur house rules....Explain to him the opportunity he has, he could be worst of with some group home were they take u and a group of people to store to buy u clothes (embarresing), telling when to eat, giving u permission to have a job).... ...but instead he has a kind family who is willing to take him in....I could go on and on but basically just sit him down and, speak with him...Dont bring the whole family into this discussion..... I would suggest that u ground him for 1 week no longer if he contines to miss-behave then take away something that u bought him that he really likes like a CD player, or whatever.... If u think this is too extreme then I dont know what other option there is for u. Do u know or someone who is close to him like cousin, uncle, his mom...Let me know cause then u can do something else. Not aunt, I dont think he would want to talk to her...she gave him away.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
