Spam

[Medley of extemporanea]

Share your interesting spam with us:

 

here is a funny one I recieved the other day.

 

================

We are desperately looking for 100 lazy people

who wish to make lots of money without working.

 

We are not looking for people who are self-motivated.

We are not looking for people who join every 'get rich

quick' scheme offered on the Internet.

 

We are not looking for class presidents, beautiful

people, career builders or even college graduates.

We don't even want union workers or trade school graduates.

 

We want the laziest people that exist - the guys and

gals who expect to make money without lifting a finger.

 

We want the people who stay in bed until noon.

 

We want those of you who think that getting out of bed to go

lay on the couch is an effort that is best not thought about.

 

If you meet these criteria, go to:

 

idontwanttowork0605@hotmail.com

 

and type in the Subject Line the following words:

"I do not want to work".

 

In fact, if you are so lazy that typing those words

in the Subject line is an effort, than don't bother.

 

Just click on the email and we'll know that you want

us to send you the domain name anyhow, because then

we will be absolutely certain that you are the

kind of person we want.

 

In case you haven't figured it out yet, we want

the kind of people who DO NOT take risks.

 

If you are the kind of person who will consider doing

something that's NOT a 'sure thing', then do NOT respond.

 

This is too easy a way to make money

and there's no challenge in it.

 

If you can get to the website that we are going

to email you, you will be able to see the first

home business in history that requires no work. NONE.

 

By clicking on this email and then going to

this website, you will be telling us that you

want to make enough money that you can quit

your regular job and sleep all day.

 

We are not looking for a commitment from you

and we don't even want your money.

 

As a matter of fact, we don't even want you

to hear from us again if the idea of making lots

of money without working does not interest you.

 

So this is the first

and last email we will

ever send you.

That is a promise.

 

So if nothing else, remember this -

to make money without working for it just

send an email with the following words

in the subject line: "I do not want to work" to:

 

idontwanttowork0605@hotmail.com

 

and we will email you back with the

website that gives you information

on the best of both worlds -

a way to make money without having to work.

 

We look forward to hearing from you.

 

In all seriousness,

 

Tom

 

This email ad is being sent in full compliance

with U.S. Senate Bill 1618, Title #3, Section 301

 

****** to remove yourself send a blank email *****

****** ****to: removal_now_2002@yahoo.com *** *****

===========================

[Medley of extemporanea]

whats this, am I the only person that gets spam?

[Pujah.]

FINALLY A CHAIN LETTER THAT I LIKE!

 

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion phucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor phucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freakl show.

 

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch ! of phucking bullshit.

 

So basically, this message is a big PHUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

 

Phuck them!

 

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly ******* amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don't phucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances ! are it's your own unpopularity.

 

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

 

Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down)

 

Make a wish!!!

 

Keep Scrolling

 

No, really, go on and make one!!!

 

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

 

Not that, you pervert!!

 

STOP!!!!

 

Wasn't that fun?

Hope you made a great wish

 

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.

 

It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

 

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending the! m a stupid chain letter.

 

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

 

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

 

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

 

Chain Letter Type 2

 

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

 

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of countin! the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

 

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

 

Thanks again!!

 

Chain Letter Type 3

 

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

 

So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

 

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over! a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

 

*Bizarre Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

 

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

 

Chain Letter Type 4

 

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.

Send it to all your friends.

 

FRIENDS:

 

A friend is someone who is always at your side.

 

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.

 

A friend is some! one who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.

 

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.

 

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.

 

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.

 

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.

 

A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

 

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!

 

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana wit! h no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per

letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

 

Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning!

[Medley of extemporanea]

Indhadeeq, that shit was funny as hell.

[Medley of extemporanea]

African spam

 

Have any of you been getting spam claiming to be from African government officals that want you to help them move money around.

 

So far I have receive on from Sivimbi’s son and just today I got one from “top

officials of the Federal Government Contract Review Panel” in Nigeria.

 

Here it is below, enjoy.

===============================

 

DR.BANJO PETERS(Ph.D).

16 Kingsway Road

Ikoyi, Lagos

Nigeria.

Tel: 234 1 775 9426.

Fax:234 1 759 1304.

 

Attention: Managing Director/ C.E.O.

 

Sir,

 

Request for Urgent Business Relationship.

 

First I must solicit your confidence in this transaction.This is by

virtue of its nature as

being utterly confidential and top secret. We shall be counting on your

ability and

reliability to prosecute a transaction of great magnitude

involving a pending business transaction requiring maximum confidence.

We are top

officials of the Federal Government Contract Review Panel who are

interested in

importation of goods into our country with funds which are presently

trapped in Nigeria.

In order to commence this business we solicit

your assistance to enable us RECIEVE the said trapped funds ABROAD.

 

The source of this fund is as follows : During the regime of our late

head

of state, Gen. Sani Abacha, the government officials set up companies

and awarded

themselves contracts which were grossly over-invoiced in various

Ministries. The NEW CIVILIAN Government set up a Contract Review

Panel

(C.R.P) and

we have identified a lot of inflated contract funds which are presently

floating in the

Central Bank of Nigeria (C.B.N). However, due to our position as civil

servants and

members of this panel, we cannot acquire this money in our names. I

have therefore,

been delegated as a matter of trust by my colleagues of the panel to

look for an

Overseas partner INTO whose ACCOUNT the sum of US$31,000,000.00

(Thirty

one

Million United States Dollars) WILL BE PAID BY TELEGRAPHIC

TRANSFER.

Hence we are

writing you this letter.

 

We have agreed to share the money thus:

70% for us (the officials)

20% for the FOREIGN PARTNER (you)

10% to be used in settling taxation and all local and foreign

expenses.

 

It is from this 70% that we wish to commence the importation

business. Please note that this transaction is 100% safe and we hope

that the funds

arrive your account in latest ten (10) banking days from the date of

reciept of the

following information by email: A suitable name and bank account into

which the funds

can be paid.

 

The above information will enable us write letters of claim and

job description respectively. This way we will use your company?s name

to

apply for payments and re-award the contract in your company name.

 

We are looking forward to doing business with you and solicit your

confidentiality in this

transaction.

 

For security reasons, please respond only to the above Telephone

number

234 1 775

9426 I will bring you into the complete picture of this pending project

when I have heard

from you.

 

Yours Faithfully,

DR.Banjo Peters.

[Packer]

Spam ... spam .. spam

[H]

FROM:FESTUS KABILA

33 OXFORD STREET

ILLOVO, SANDTON

TEL: +27-83-686-3080

FAX: +27-72-112-4799

 

URGENT BUSINESS ASSISTANCE

 

Dear Hashi,

 

This letter may come to you as a surprise due to

thefact that we have not yet met. The message could be

strange but reel if you pay some attention to it. I

could have notified you about it at least for the sake

of your integrity. Please accept my sincere apologies.

In bringing this message of goodwill to you, I have to

say that I have no intentions of causing you any

pains.

 

I am Mr.Festus Kabila, son of the late Laurent Kabila

President of Congo DRC who was assassinated on the

16th of January 2001 by one of his military aides. I

managed to get your contact details through “The World

Business Journal”, a journal of the Johannesburg

Chamber of Commerce in South Africa in the time I was

desperately looking for a trustworthy person to assist

me in this confidential business.

 

On the 17th of May 1997, my late father and President

Laurent Kabila took over the power after toppling the

previous dictator, the late President Mobutu Sese

Seko. After officially taking over as Head of State on

the 29th of May 1997, my late father, President Desire

Laurent Kabila, a former rebel leader met with some

Tutsi factions from the region of Goma, East of the

country with the assistance Rwandese,Uganda and

Burundese forces.

My late father, President Laurent Kabila made me in

charge of purchasing armaments in the Republic of

South Africa for an amount of US$15.5 MILLIONS(fifteen

Millions Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars}

in cash. That amount of money was transferred

in South Africa through diplomatic channels. After his

death, being in Johannesburg, South Africa, I decided

to keep that money for personal use. At present the

money is kept in a Security Company in Johannesburg.

 

I am currently and temporarily living in Johannesburg

while waiting for the appeal lodged by lawyer on my

behalf to the Department of Home Affairs, for my

refugee status’ application. I am having difficulty

getting the money out of South Africa because the

South African monetary policy is not favorable to

people like myself who have no permanent residence

status. Moreover the political climate in South Africa

at the moment being so sensitive and unstable,

investing here would only limit my chances and reduce

my opportunities.

 

In acknowledgment of executive powers and the various

business opportunities in your country, I am

requesting your assistance in helping me transfer this

money in your personal or business account. After the

transfer is accomplished, I will then follow you for

subsequent investments there. For your assistance in

this transaction, I offer you 30% of the total sum for

compensation. And all other expenses you incur during

this operation will be credited to you. If you need

further details concerning this business, please do

not hesitate to contact me. All documents concerning

this transaction and money will be available to you on

request

 

I must then emphasize that this operation or

transaction is highly confidential and is to be kept

as such.

 

If this proposal is of interesting to you, please

provide me with you private phone and fax numbers ,and

you can call me on this my phone number for more

details .

 

Thanks and God bless you,

 

Yours faithfully

 

FESTUS. KABILA

[H]

ATTN:DIRECTOR/CEO

 

Complement of the season,I Mr Dodo kabila a step

brother to a strong man of the Democratic Republic of

Congo(DRC)President Laurent Kabila.I work as the

personal adviser on defense and security matter of the

President of(DRC)President.

Towards the ending of the year 2000, I and his

excellency President Kabila was contemplating on the

issue of providing adequate and more serious security

on his side,we contemplated over this matter for some

days before we bring it in a nutshell. to see that

this issue was executed the president personally

mandated/instructed me on 11th january 2001 to create

and equip fully special army elite cops to protect him

against any secret mission by the rebels.This

instruction was highly discreet and confidential and

was backed-up with the sum of Twenty Six Million Seven

Hundred Thousand United States Dollars

[uS$26.7Million] in cash for the purchase of the arms

and ammunition for the ellite cops from the republic

of South Africa[RSA].

 

I was in the progress of negotiating the purchase of

the arms and ammunition from ARMSCOR, before then

unbelievable sudden tragic event took place on the

17th january.

This money was transported through diplomatic means

in two treasure boxes to the Repubic of South Africa

now since I could no longer take this money home nor

purchase any arms with it,I think the chance and right

time has come to me to look after my life with this

money.

Presently this money has been deposited in a private

security company here in Johannesburg South Africa.So

I seek your assistance in providing overseas account

to enable me transfer this money out of South Africa.

I have made all the necessary arrangements of my part

to ensure a smooth remittance.

However,due to my status as a refugee,I can neither

operate an account here in South Africa nor make use

of this money here, hence my desire is to transfer and

invest this fund in your country.

For your assistance in providing an account I will

offer you the sum of 20% of the total sum of the money

and 5% is been out for any expenses that might

incurred in the process of this transaction.

I am in position to provide you with further details

immediately I recieve acknowledgement of this letter

from you as soon as possible

 

For the confidential of this transaction, reply me

with my E-mail address.

 

Best Regards

 

Dodo kabila

[Packer]

These Nigerian guys are getting dumber by the minute. They always send the same email to everyone in the world and it allways about "THEM NEEDING AN ACCOUNT TO TRANSFER THE FUNDS TO"

 

...loooooool. Who said the Nigerians are smart thiefs. You can't be using the same lines, same message, same senario, same tactic in every scam.

 

I even heard of their famous scheme on the NPR radio ... lol

[The Rocks Chick]

RULES OF LIFE

 

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Your's and Shithead's.

 

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol level.

 

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

 

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

 

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

 

6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

 

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

 

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

 

10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

 

11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

 

12. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

 

13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

 

14. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

 

15. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

 

16. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

 

17. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

 

18. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,cigarettes and tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

 

19. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

 

20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

 

21. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

 

23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

 

24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

 

Hope y'all enjoyed that

[Medley of extemporanea]

Dear Friend,

 

I am Mr Dudley Rogers, the secretary of Commercial

Farmers union branch in the region of matabeleland,Zimbabwe. After the last

general elections in my country where the incumbent president MR. Robert

Mugabe won the presidential election, the government has adopted a very

aggressive land reforms programme. This programme is solely aimed at taking

the land owned by white African farmers for redistribution to black

Africans. This programme has attracted worldwide condemnation from world

leaders including British prime minister,MR Tony Blair and also forced several

white farmers to flee the country for fear of victimization and physical

abuse.

 

Two weeks ago, our headquartes in Harare was

attacked and looted by black protesters and in the process burnt down the

whole building. Fortunately,they did not get access to the huge funds kept in

the strong room which belong to the co-operation. This cash was kept at the

secretariat rather than in the Bank for fear of

seizure by the government.

 

Now I have the funds in my possession and would

need to get it invested in a viable business venture in Europe or Asia.

 

Once I can get your commitment and sincerity of

investing this funds on our behalf then I would proceed to get the funds

freighted to Europe, where you would be required to pick it up for

investment for us.

 

You do not have anything to worry about as I would

undertake all charges involved in freighting the funds to Europe, please note

that this is legal as I have the mandate form Mr Max Crawford,the president of

the union to get the funds out as fast as possible.

 

You would be compensated for all your effort once

we have gotten the funds to Europe.

Please get back to me if you can be of assistance and I would want our

correspondence to be via email as most phone lines of white farmers are bugged

by the government.

 

I expect your confidentiality and your prompt

response to this mail so as to proceed.you should only reach me on

dudleyrogers@golfemail.com.

 

Kind regards,

 

Dudley Rogers.

[Medley of extemporanea]

This is from http://www.freep.com/news/locoak/checks21_20020921.htm

 

September 21, 2002

Law firm out $2.1 million in African fraud

BY DAVID ASHENFELTER

FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER

 

He introduced himself as Dr. Mbuso Nelson.

 

He said he was an official with the Ministry of Mining in Pretoria, South Africa.

 

And he offered to pay a $4.5-million fee to a 59-year-old Rochester Hills woman if she would help him transfer $18 million from South Africa to a bank account in the United States.

 

RELATED CONTENT

Mike Wendland: Despite warnings, Americans continue to lose millions to Nigerian con artists

But what Ann Marie Poet did next gave new meaning to the so-called Nigerian scam letter fraud, the FBI said.

 

The FBI said Poet, a bookkeeper for a small Berkley law firm, embezzled $2.1 million from the firm's accounts between February and August, after scam organizers persuaded her to wire huge amounts of money to bank accounts in South Africa and Taiwan to expedite the transfer of money to the United States.

 

"It's unbelievable that she fell for this," said FBI Special Agent James Hoppe, who is investigating the case. "She was gullible -- gullible and had access to $2.1 million."

 

Poet was indicted this week by a federal grand jury in Detroit on 13 counts of wire fraud. Each count carries a maximum penalty of five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. If she's convicted, she'll likely face three years in prison, federal officials said.

 

Poet was advised of the charges during an initial appearance before a federal magistrate in Detroit on Friday. She came to court alone and left without comment.

 

Hoppe said the perpetrators of the fraud contacted Poet by fax in January and promised her that all she had to do to get her $4.5-million fee was to open a bank account.

 

After she agreed to help, Hoppe said, the scammers told Poet the money was on its way.

 

But as inevitably happens, Hoppe said, they later told Poet there were problems -- fees, commissions and taxes that had to be paid.

 

In the months that followed, Hoppe said, Poet wired amounts ranging from $9,400 to $360,000 to offshore accounts. She never received her fee.

 

The alleged scam ended Sept. 4, when the Olsman Mueller & James law firm was told that a $36,000 settlement check to a client had bounced.

 

Jules Olsman, president of the firm, said he contacted the firm's bank to find out what happened. After getting the runaround, he said, he called the FBI and eventually found out what Poet had done. Hoppe said she drained all of the firm's accounts.

 

"This is just absolutely beyond description," Olsman said Friday, noting that Poet had worked for the firm for nine years and often scrutinized expenditures she deemed questionable by other employees. He said Poet, who quit coming to work after Sept. 4, is married and is very active in her church.

 

But as angry as he is with Poet, Olsman said, he's even more annoyed with Bank One. He said a manager at a Southfield branch, whom Poet befriended, approved all of the wire transfers even though Poet was not authorized at the bank to make such transfers.

 

Bank officials declined to discuss the specifics Friday.

 

"We don't comment on customer relationships," said Bank One spokeswoman Mary Kay Bean. "All businesses need to have the right accounting and financial controls, and we urge our customers to be diligent about checking their balances."

 

Olsman's lawyer, Mayer Morganroth of Southfield, said the forms the bank used to make the transfers clearly indicated that the manager should have called the law firm to verify the transfers.

 

Olsman said his insurance won't cover the loss, but that he plans to make good on the losses: "Not one client of our law firm will be out one penny."

 

He also said he plans to sue the bank.

 

Hoppe said there's no evidence the bank manager was in on the scam. He also said there's little hope of recovering the money or arresting the culprits.

 

The Nigerian scam letter scheme has been around since the mid-1980s and originated there.

 

People usually are approached through letters, faxes and, more recently, e-mail. Every month, hundreds of Americans fall victim to versions of the scam, federal authorities say.

 

In some cases, victims lured abroad to complete the transaction are kidnapped for ransom. The U.S. State Department has attributed 15 kidnappings or killings to the fraud.

 

Hoppe said people need to use common sense when they receive such offers.

 

"Nobody is going to call someone they don't know and offer to pay millions of dollars to help transfer money to the United States unless they're up to no good," Hoppe said.

 

Assistant U.S. Attorney Jennifer Gorland said the law firm is the victim -- not Poet.

 

"You can't use somebody else's money to follow one of these get-rich schemes," she said.

 

"If you use your own money, the worst thing you will be is a fool.

[Mr_Liquid_Ice]

This is one of those forwards I had to save. Check out the hidden massage in the massage

 

Dear Dad,

 

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

 

Love,

 

Your $on.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

 

Love,

 

Dad