Somali Single Mothers and Second Marriages!

[Nur]

Somali expatriate community is going thru difficult times, brought by the political situation and financial hardships. Families are being separated, divorce rates are balooning and suitable husbands for single Somali women are in short supply, even less likely in the case of divorced young single mums.

 

The following advice was a response I sent to a very intelligent and well raised young Somali lady raising a single child with the best of values in the west, without a father figure. An admirable lone parent. My heart goes with all Somali sisters in her sitauation.

 

 

Names and places in the following write-up are fictitious for privacy!

 

 

Dear Sister Halima

 

 

I have counseled many people in your situation before, Alhamdulillah, recently, I have succeeded helping a sister (31) with three kids 11, 9 and 4, whose hubby exploited her and abused her, and throwed her for the dogs, a fine sister otherwise, she was on her last throes when I reached out for her, now, she found her self esteem back, dignity, a career ( self employment at her home while looking after her kids) and her faith, her next challenge is also finding the right man, a success story Allah blessed me to change her life for the better.

 

Your case, is very similar, (without the financial aspect), the problem with many marriages nowadays is that they are not based on strong family commitment, the typical Somal Faarax comes home for food and sleeping, spending all his precious time with buddies, leaving the leftover of his time to family, which creates a rift in the long term, the couple slowly grow apart, and like you described, one day, the inevitable happens, a break up! If you stay unmarried for a long time, your child will miss the father figure she direly needs for a healthy growth, and you will also feel a lots of social /emotional hardship staying alone, the risk is high and the impact can be detrimental to your faith.

 

Your age group ( assuming that you are in your early 30s), are mostly mature women, and experienced in life, your ideal mate is more likely men from mid thirties to mid forties, the question is where are these men found. ( not at supermarkets I assure you) If we go back in the calendar, they are born from the early 60s to early 70s, these men were in their 20s in the years between 1980-1990. Its very likely that this age group have more than their shares in displacement, tragedies and travel, exposing them to different cultures, faiths and lifestyles, a minority of this age group may have survived the civil war ordeal by virtue of their Islamic principles , however they are likely to be married and even remarried ( second or third wife).

 

Your choices at this intersection in life is :

 

1. To look for and find an eligible single man in that age group.

 

2.Marry a single /divorcee/widower man who is at your age or younger if found.

 

3. Consider marrying a married man of the above age group( responsible and piousl not looking for fun only )

 

1. The first option is unlikely, but is its possible.

 

2. The second option is more likely, but still limited ( possibly lesser education/intellectual level than you) As for the third option, When men hit the 40s, they go through a second adoloscence phase, known as ( MLC) Mid Life Crises ( that is why you hear a forty somthin old man running away with an 18 year old girl to Kurtunwaarrey, leaving behind his Cambaro in Minnesota), its a fact of life that happens, and as a result it breaks homes and creates a lotta mess to an already established home. So, in light of a society where men want to marry a second (at times, for fun without the burden of responsiility) , with the possible cost of ruining the first marriage due to jealousy.

 

Looking all this against the backdrop of abundance of qualified women of all ages, extreme solutions are invented, but not without a side effect. Extreme situations call for extreme conditions, in Saudi Arabia, the Scholars facing a growing number of divorced and single ( Caanis, gabar weynaatay) women, ( 2 million) have come up with a new arrangement.

 

They call it "Misyaar Marriage", in this new marriage type, the father of the woman gives her hand to a man, usually a married man whose condition is that his present wife should not know of this second marriage, a flexible hours of attendance ( best effort companionship, not dedicated, does not have to switch nites).

 

This arrangement fits some women fine, but to others, its seen as demeaning and degrading the karaama of the woman who accepts this skewed arrangement. In my personal opinion, if the man does not have the guts to tell his wife, he should not consider it to begin with, because marriage is not only pleasure, its also solemn responsibility and commitment to a human being for life.

 

Looking after her and her kids, and giving them plenty of love and a fatherly guidnace for a healthy social growth to meet Allah's purpose in marraige which is Mawaadda wa Raxmah. Many married men ( of very good character sometimes ) are looking to marry a second, and even a third sometimes, they are financially able to support and spiritually very enlightening, however, as good as it may sound ( to men), the down side is a heavy responsibility on the man's shoulders, in addition to jealousy of the first lady, and only a man seeking Allah's pleasure can brave such a burden and risk, because its no fun.

 

To find the right partner, another choice is that you move to a more Faarax populated area in which meeting a good person is more likely such as back home ( be careful of men who exploit women for financial / travel document) and to volunteer with organizations that help the needy, its my strong opinion that if you begin volunteering with a good philanthropic organization that Allah will team you up with a good candidate, since Allah helps those who help their brothers/sisters.

 

 

Nur

 

 

2008 eNuri Family Counselling

 

"Haweenka, nimeyna ilma (tears of joy! or Sorrow!) ka keenin, ilmo ( Kids) ka ma keeno"

[Malika]

^Indeed,these are trial times for those brought up in traditional families,with families scattered around the globe,the woman is left to her own accord without the immediate support of the father/uncles/brother/cousins.I believe male relatives could play a great role in these circumstances,but alas! times have changed,when a woman has to be proactive.

 

Saying that,one has to remember "Allah never changes the grace, he bestowed upon any people until first change that which is in their souls"..Letting go of the past,changing ones views and self will help shape up the next episode of marriage life.

 

Trials come in different shape and form,with Sabr one will inshaallah find that balance.It is not easy being a single parent in the west,with the lack of immediate support,even though one can create a support network it is still the hardest job a woman can do on her own. But with determination and dedication it can be done.But also we have to remember that "Allah Subhana Wa Ta'Ala does not burden any soul with more than it can bear" (2:286) and whoever is tested in this life it is because Allah Subhana Wa Ta'Ala wants them to remember Him as the only guidance and counsel

 

To marry or not to marry again is not an easy decision especially when a child or children are involved.Your life isn't yours alone then,the person coming into your life has to be someone with great understanding,that you are not only there for him/her but there also to continue being there for the children.

I have seen,women caught up in predicaments that had caused them more stress then when they were single parents.Anywho, who said life is supposed to be easy?..

 

 

The prophet Sallallahu Alaihi wa sallam said, “Islam is sincere counseling and good advice ”[sahih Bukhari]. Mashaallah, your advice to the sister was sincere and heartfelt.

 

ps.The hidden marriages are not only degrading but so disrespectful and totally wrong in my books.

[Ashkiro]

I am not sure I caught the brother’s advice; it seems to me he didn’t leave a whole lot of choices to the young lady. Misyar marriage which he rightfully concluded is not a true marriage and lacks fulfillment, being second/third wife to an already married man, visiting a “ Faarax populated area”, or even joining NGO's, and maybe just maybe Allah may Grant her a husband. All of this in hopes of finding a husband, sounds very demoralizing and daunting wouldn’t you say? It’s important to get to the root cause of these communal ills, and it is a plague in this community if many children are growing up without their fathers or with a father whom isn’t involved in their lives. If the typical “Somal Faarax comes home for food and sleeping and spending all his precious time with buddies” as the poster stated than perhaps the single woman who invested in this unstable character by marrying him from the start, is sleeping in the bed she made for herself and should’ve known better?

 

Just in case my point maybe lost in translation, what I am trying to say it’s very important in laga fiirsado, as my hooyo always says, whom you marry as a young woman and not rush into something as serious as marriage on shaky ground, which seems to be the case for many. Granted, divorces may still occur even by making "all the right choices", but the chances will be greatly reduced. And this applies to both first-timers or second/third/fourth and so on timers, your value doesn't diminsh simply because a previous marriage did not work out for whatever reason. Go about it the smart way, where you finish depends on where you begin, in this case whom you begin with.

[Yaabka-Yaabkiis]

Sure it is..lol

[Nur]

Ashkiro sis

 

Thanks for your thoughtful analyses of the advice. An advice is not always what is best, but can be what is plausible and attainable after the fact.

 

Life does not have an UNDO button, so at every point in life, you do with what you have, to be practical, to suggest a retroactive action such as chosing the right spouse, does not help an urgent need at hand for this sister, ( Meel hoo u baahan, hadal wax kama taro) my attempt was to help the sister explore choices from which she can see the picture as wholesme, a person without choices is a person without a decision. I mentioned the Misyaar so that she does not fall in that trap, since a person in trouble can be negatively influenced.

 

Nur