Choosing The Desired Wife: Why and How to Trust Allah

[Abu-Salman]

CHOOSING THE DESIRED WIFE

 

 

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful,

the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our

beloved and humble prophet Muhammad,and upon his family and

companions.

 

When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims

become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage,

trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a financial

burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came

to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately

we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam

so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather

than a delightful experience.

 

When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society,

the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a

result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome.

He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at

him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the

wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on, when he said: "O young

men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it

restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves

one from immorality..."

 

When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question

to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her

qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and

peaceful household, and how you will know who she is.

 

As Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and

that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life.

So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and

that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.

 

 

WHO TO MARRY

 

 

Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The

Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons:

for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so

try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This

specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are

seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her

religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery.

 

True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not

last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and

religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly

status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it

may be that through your intention of marrying her for her

religion, the rest is given to you anyway. In another hadith,

the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and

the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman."

Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious

woman! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah

(s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the

most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following ayah was

revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it

in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom.

On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of

Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be

branded therewith (and it will be said to them): 'Here is what

you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard'

"[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that,

when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w),

submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the

Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that the best thing to be

treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen,

obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her

husbands property when he is away. Abu Bakr once asked

Rasulallah (s.a.w) what was the best thing to be treasured, and

he (s.a.w) replied: "the tongue in remembrance of Allah, the

heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in

virtuous deeds". Look at how valuable such a woman is in the

sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a

person.

 

 

QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN

 

 

Alright, you say, you've convinced me, but what actually makes

her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allah himself has

described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur'an, and

in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous

attributes of a pious woman.

 

The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you

should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative

qualities. The following are some ayahs on the attributes of

the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and

appreciative qualities.

 

"And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity

are for women of purity"[s.24;v.26]

 

"Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard

in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them

guard"[s.4;v.34]

 

"It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him

in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who

believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who

worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and

fast..."[s.66;v.5].

 

And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities

loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident in

both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the

following attributes:

 

-a Muslim woman

 

-a believing woman

 

-a devout woman

 

-a true woman

 

-a woman who is patient and constant

 

-a woman who humbles herself

 

-a woman who gives charity

 

-a woman who fasts and denies herself

 

-a woman who guards her chastity

 

-a woman who engages much in Allah's praise.

 

Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by

Allah because of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship

your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with

those who bow down"[s.3;v.43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh:

"And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the

wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in

nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden' "[s.66;v.11].

 

The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious

qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab:

"(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in

the eyes of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a

woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more

God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood,

more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in

practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus

more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her."

 

Ahh, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if

that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first

place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the

women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction.

Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a

dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah

brings about through it a great deal of good"[s.4;v.19].

Remember also that you are not perfect either.

 

 

KNOWING WHO SHE IS

 

 

To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and

that firstone relies on your personal observation. In surah

Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should "lower

their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display

their beauty and ornaments," and also that they "should not

strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden

ornaments"[s.24;v.31 ]. If you notice a woman acting modestly,

being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice

when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions

(which includes her external beauty as well as her internal

charms), then you know she has some of those precious

qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting,

unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses

with males- keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married

you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty

other "just good friends".

 

Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature;

for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she

maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time

etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak

ones.

 

Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important

topic. You can look all you want ather, set a private investigator

to track her movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider

extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart

and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more

religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allah.

 

 

TRUST IN ALLAH

 

 

We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her

religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe

me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost

sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.

 

Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do

so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and

proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His

infinite knowledge and wisdom.

 

Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation

nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust

in Allah.

 

It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the

Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a

special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in

all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When

you are confused about what you should do in a certain

situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the

following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."

 

I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its

negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life,

knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn

to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah

responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance,

and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please

Him.

 

Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims

will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a

dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour

is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of

this salaat.

 

The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you

go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or

not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or

against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be

blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of

an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting

Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should

firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided,

and then afterwards follow the results willingly.

 

The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage.

She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her

intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything

until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive,

answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of

the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a

proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet

she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how

successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of

appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al

Qur'an.

 

The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream

for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth

and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth)

from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from

Allah, let Him carry it out' ".

 

Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If

marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the

best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken

the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long

companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her

worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and

knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose

her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but

superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent.

 

When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful

names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and

dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189].

Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be

among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our

offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the

righteous"[al-Furqan ,74].

 

I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must

put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for

us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in

Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in

Him"[s.3;v.159].

 

May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His

commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us

with wives whom He loves.

 

"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to

them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls

on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and

believe in Me: that they may walk in the right

way"[al-Baqarah,v.18 6].

 

 

By: IBRAHIM ABU KHALID

[bint hamid]

salaams wa jazakallah khayran bro abu salman for this timely reminder..inshallah more brothers will look for sunnah sisters with taqwa and eeman and beauty in their hearts.. ameen walaykum assalaam